1) money, i hate not having it, i hate how it restricts your entire life only having a fiver in your bank account. i could have been out clubbing tonight with amigos but NO i had to stay in and have another pointless night on facebook because i haven't got the money to even get to pontefract, let alone entry to any clubs, not to mention drinks! urgh.
2) my stomach, hate hate hate almost as much as i dislike my face (so that's a great deal). no definition and it just jiggles about everywhere, has no tone whatsoever, and what's more i'm such a lazy shit that i cannae even be arsed to do anything about it.
3) my family or more specifically my brother- just because i am not out humping anything that moves, like you, does not make me a lesbian or a misfit, it just means i have standards that are hard to attain :). it pisses me off that i'm only seventeen and i'm already being seen as a failure for, oh gosh, not having a significant other, and that it's seen as odd to enjoy being single.
4) my wardrobe and how there seems to be nothing in it i want to wear anymore.
5) never having anything to do.
6) being so far away from fran and ryan nearly all the time when i literally need them to keep me sane sometimes.
7) bus timetables from hillam to just about everywhere, hate public transport, hate bus drivers.
8) the fact that i'm totally stupid and am likely to do shit in my a levels and not get in a good university and drop out of my degree and end up on the streets homeless except for the occasional cup of coffee bought by some kind old lady who thinks i'm a trampy man and i'll be a poor single-mother drug-addict by the time i'm 23, at which point some movie director will buy the rights to my story so i'll become a millionaire and maybe be slightly more cheerful.
9) not sleeping, like every night is supposed to be early night but i still find my brain whirring and ticking about until at least half twelve and then having to get up at the crack of dawn.
10) caring about people way too much and worrying about them too much, and when i'm exhausted about worrying about everyone else realizing i still have to worry about me.
11) being a perfectionist and not letting myself make mistakes- then beating myself up about it when i do.
12) the cold, i just want summer and sunshine and a beach where i can close my eyes and forget that everyone else apart from me exists.
13) how beautiful some people are- i mean i know beauty is skin deep and without wanting to sound all cocky, i like my personality (for the most part)- but seeing these girls with perfect faces and perfect hair just makes me want to scream. AARGH.
14) living in a village where the most exciting event to happen all year is the scarecrow festival, i kid you not.
15) the fact that i've lost all love for literature right now and that i'm actually regressing back to books i read when i was fifteen.
i am such a spoilt, idiotic, mardy little cow today. anyone reading this blog who doesn't know me in real life, doesn't know that in reality i'm a silly, happy girl with no reason to be angry at the world must think i'm a right emo. which i am so totally not, i'm just having a nice little strop about 'how the world doesn't understand me!' *slit slit* bahaha. need space to vent, AAAARGH. vented. grumpy old woman will shut up and go back in her cage, not to be released for several weeks. it's just been a bad bad few days i guess where i get pissed off with everyone and then assume everyone's pissed off at me- which let's face it, quite a few people probably are! haha. it will be right, i'm going to wakefield tomorrow to see ryan and becky (and take lots of cheesy pictures) and being around them will quieten me down, i think i just need someone to shake me and tell me stop being such an idiot. thursday will roll around and i'll walk into college happy as larry as usual :) and i'll do a grace and delete this blog entry for being so damn whiny and annoying.
sorry guys, as i'm sure you're all probably aware, i am so not usually like this! being a mardy bum and self obsessed and woe-is-me isn't really my cup of tea these days (i have too much to worry about my friends at the moment without getting all sad myself :( ), i promise that the infamous sourire (new french word i learnt today, it means smile) will be back tomorrow, tongue between teeth and everything! in the mean time feel free to call me an emo, i'm sure i deserve it just this once.
nanight guys, sending a hug to anyone who might be feeling as tired and cross as i am right now!
victoria x
Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
blinded by the lights
so, today was epihany day. sat in theatre studies and listened to my friend shuna tell the group that next year she's quitting college to go on mission in hawaii, paired with a theatre course. and i found myself thinking "wow". she's making something of her life- she's done so much with it already, and i realized that i've done pretty much nothing. okay it's all very well having these grand ideas about what i'm going to be when i'm 30, all the places i'm going to see and tell my grandchildren about. however, i know me better than anyone else does, and i'm one of those i'll-do-it-tomorrow sort of people. so now it's going to change. i had a long think about what i actually want to do. and i've decided, as so many people my age do, that what i want to do is travel. i want to see the world, i want to live it, not just watch it in films or read about it in books. i want to go to all the places, i want to spend weeks in paris, i want to travel round the rest of france and speak french all day long and discover everything there is to know about the country. i want to go to italy and greece. i want to roam up and down my home country, there's so many bits of fucking england i've never seen for christ's sake. i want to visit chawton (oh jane) and stratford (oh willy). i want to go back loch lomond, i want to go to stonehenge, i want to go to LONDON.
sorry, i sound overly excited here. it's funny, i've always been a homebody and now i've got this burning urge inside me to crack out of the house i've lived in for fifteen years, run away from this tiny little village i've always loved and find myself out there. problem is... when? summer seems like the perfect solution, however, selfish being i am, i'm not sure if i can give up leeds fest, endless nights drinking and the like. there's also the small matter of driving. i don't want to give up my lessons for a full summer, but i think it's unrealistic to say i'll have passed my test by then. so i'll weigh up my options as i come closer to that time, even if i only get to spend a week in paris, say, i'll at least feel as if i've achieved something. and then i am booking off summer 2010 for travelling alone. by that point i'll be 18, and legally old enough to take care of myself. this isn't something i'm going to think about and then never actually do, i'm comitted now to pro-actively making something of my days that doesn't revolve around facebook or mindless gossip. life is short, i want to grasp it.
so yes, i've got home internet AT LAST. it's taken seemingly forever but it's back now. so i'm going to post up no internet. i wrote this poem errrm last thursday i think? and i've tweaked it a bit. it's still really crap, and nowhere near as good as my year 11 poetry, but for now it'll suffice. so here it is in all its pretentious glory:
no internet
tick tick tick tick tick tick tock
goes my irritatingly correct alarm clock
another day with the wi-fi down again.
tick tick tick tick time won't stop
won't stop til i'm 16, 17, nearly 17 and a half now
i have little to show except a groaning bookcase, half finished poems and some tatty old shoes.
would i go back if i could? never.
one learns from one's mistakes, after all, and i'd say i've had my fair share.
pudding bowl haircuts, late nights and bleary mornings, my first cigarette.
too many moments with my personal paris, not enough with a romeo.
falling for wickham instead of darcy.
make do and mend, not looking gift horses in the mouth.
rosy pink memories of rosy pink cheeks, two little girls in a paddock
school uniforms, sports day, i always came last, i can piss myself about it now.
my literary career began with the babysitters club.
golden days, golden age, it's all still golden, everything we touch turns golden.
we're still such babies, we don't know yet know the years of gold slipping away and turning to grey dust.
this might just be the shitest little ditty i've ever put a pen to, but beggars can't be choosers
it's either this or crying over spilt milk and the fact that i can't check my facebook.
i now realize i have probably lost about half my blog readership (which is only about five anyway!) by showing how ridiculously bad my creative skills are. and here you all thought i was intelligent and interesting ;) baaah!
so for now, until you forgive me for posting up such tripe
a bientot! victoria x
Monday, 29 December 2008
so with the year about to end
here i present the 100 things i wanted to do in 2008 (originally on my myspace) and whether i have succeeded or not!
1. buy lots of different tights in lots of different colours. yeah i got that pretty much covered :)
2. get a subscription to nme well i get it saved for me at the newsagent so i guess so!
3. buy a cd. instead of downloading all my music from limewire. sadly, this was never going to happen.
4. take lots of old clothes to oxfam again, sadly not!
5. sort out my socks and put them into pairs. i don't wear socks anymore
6. increase a shoe size. still size 2/3, my baby feet are here to stay :(
7. decrease a dress size well there was a brief point over the summer where i was a certified size 8, sadly i'm back to a 10 now
.8. learn to use a compass properly i was never the outdoorsy type!
.9. go camping leeds fest baby!
.10. go to a youth hostel again, this was never going to happen.
.11. learn to curl my hair. it looks shit, but at least i've done it.
12. have a proper nice kiss with someone but not want to get emotionally attached afterwards. plenty of these. plenty of kisses where i did want to get attached as well. they were pretty special.
13. read a book that will make people think i'm clever. the bell jar, oh yes
14. find all my old babysitters club books and throw them away. yes. goodbye kristy et al. miss you mary anne.
15. save up a fiver a week for my leeds fest ticket. does it count that i promised my parents i'd pay them back...
16. get a proper job. yes :) working at lush made my summer.
17. get served alcohol in as many places as possible. well i think its safe to say i managed that one!
18. find my guitar. was on the top of my locker, ha
19. learn to play it. three chords!
20. form a band and write a half decent song. no, i wrote a lot of poems though.
21. learn to walk properly in heels. yes, i could give posh spice a run for her money
22. get a car. sadly i didn't become a millionaire in 2008
23. somehow pay for insurance and driving lessons. well i got driving lessons...
24. start buying accessories for sixth form. seeing as i decided to go to college, this point is moot.
25. become less of a lightweight. i can hold 5 archers and lemonades now, not just 2...
26. decrease the volume of my voice by a few notches. HAHAHA.
27. pass all my gcses. 3 a* 4 a 2 b, i was pretty proud of myself.
28. drink lots of coffee and white wine. too much of both.
29. talk about books to a person in a book shop. did it with mel in waterstones. she loved phillipa greggory as well, but didn't like meg rossoff.
30. watch amelie all the way through. did so in french. i miss mrs slack.
31. apply lipstick properly. yes, dita von teese eat yer heart out.
32. convince a randomer i'm french. no, but one day i will!
33. be in a play.pirates of penzance, i proper miss it!
34. stop taking so many myspace quizzes. i don't go on myspace anymore really.
35. bitchslap someone who deserves it. miranda at owen's ha, okay well maybe she didn't deserve it...
36. paint my bedroom. it's now black and gold.
37. go a week without crying.i hardly ever cry anymore.
38. turn down my ipod a bit so i don't go deaf. it's now at half volume, unless i'm feeling really crunk.
39. have a lovely party. no :( 2009, for the big eighteenth though!
40. cook a meal for the family me, cook?!
.41. somehow persuade someone to take me on a topshop spending spree. merci maman :)
42. hug people less. i know that sounds stupid, but i'm an overenthusiastic hugger. no, you can still find me cuddling everyone at any oppertunity.
43. try vindaloo. no i tried balti though...
43. find my "Beatles" badge. found it, and promptly lost it again.
44. somehow find a way of making the corn exchange re-open. it's a foodcourt now, bleurgh
45. eat less at mcdonalds no
.46. ditto burger king.no
47. ditto kfc. no
48. ditto nandos.no. i really am a chubby little shit.
49. limit my consumption of salsa to a jar a week. i have now moved up... to three jars.
50. get my braces off. aah ,mes dents sont beaux.
51. stop my constant bitterness about the happiness of others. i think i've managed this :)
52. buy a pencil skirt. it's grey and black and pretty.
53. go see the wombats. done, they were great.
54. go see jose vanders. twice, she was wonderful.
55. go see other bands, lots of them. lots and lots of them :)
56. tell my mum and dad i love them every day. i always do this now, even after we've had a fight.
57. learn the school song off by heart. oh aye, miss you wakey girls.
58. buy a classy mascara. some bad gal from benefit :)
59. sleep a lot more. i now sleep too much.
60. find a gay best friend. well i'll always have ryan. although he's not gay. but he still counts.
61. watch marie antoinette until i learn it by heart. je suis princess antoinette, watched this too many times
62. decide whether to take politics or drama for a level.drama. we all knew it was going to be!
63. apply liquid eyeliner beautifully. yesss, i'm a make up supreme now.
64. not touch a drop of cider. i thought my chavvy days were over until i sucuumed to a can of magners...
65. find a shop that sells small bags of cool original doritos. wood street, wakefield. i was dead happy. i squealed "i can cross that off my list. people looked at me strangely.
66. becoming alluring. alluring is something i'll never be :(
67. read a book in starbucks. no, i really wanted to do this as well!
68. find a new historical obsession. no, the tudors are still firmly wedged in my heart.
69. ;) unfortunatly i am still (almost) as pure as i was this time last year.
70. go out clubbing.SHAKEY WAKEY.
71. go a week without the computor. facebook stole my soul
72. keep secrets. partially.
73. get drunk in january. done so at my new year's party, the bluebell with the fryston lot, and at owen's party.
74. not send anyone a valentines card in february. i still hate valentines
75. buy a new umbrella in march. thanks primark
76. put flowers by naomi's tree in april. it made me cry but i had to do it. think about you all the time, sweetheart.
77. be clever in my exams in may. not as clever as i could have been.
76. put up my paddling pool and have a pool party in june. it rained and rained and rained
77. sleep until 12 in july. every day.
72. buy a suit in august. chose college so again, moot point.
73. make a good start to my AS levels in september. i think i'm doing pretty well so far!
74. dress as anne boleyn for halloween in october. i went as a flapper
75. hold someones hand during fireworks in november. no :( my paws were cold! i want someone's hand to hold.
76. buy lovely christmas presents in december. i hope everyone liked them :)
77. get so drunk i can't remember anything in the morning. ben's house. from the videos i've seen i was a total embarrasment.
78. make my mum and dad customized t shirts for their anniversary. i forgot! but next year for the big 25!
79. renew my attendance at the gym.pah. have you seen my belly?
80. stop listening to westlife. not only did i not stop listening, i went to see them live...
81. find some blu tack and stick up my bansky and pete doherty posters.
.82. go a day a fortnight without make up, to replenish my skin. i don't bother at weekends anymore.
83. make myself a salad. yummy cherry tomatoes, oh i am a chef.
84. use more semi colons and brackets. (i tried to do this as much as possible; i found it hard)85. somehow meet jk rowling or pete doherty. i'm still waiting
86. visit versailles again. no but versailles 09 with the blands!
87. take a tram. no, many buses though.
88. buy an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini. primark didn't have any, szrd.
89. laugh everyday, in every situation. hahahahaaaa i did my very best.
90. use up my juicy lucy friendship cards. i still have a couple left for some lucky people!
91. have a solo shopping trip, just me on my own. many times, i am now skint.
92. take less posey pictures. lots more.
93. take more "natural" pictures. lots more
94. discover new bands on myspace. it wasn't as fruiful a year for music as 2007 but still i found some beauties.
95. delete all the phone numbers of the people i'll never need to talk to. no, hello boy who i pulled on holiday 2 years ago, hello random people in clubs, hello friends of parents. let's all get together sometime for a drink.
96. do my own laundry. never.
97. learn to like mushrooms. they still repulse me.
98. do my work experience in a school. i loved every second of it. highlight of my year, well one of them. can't wait to be a teacher.
99. borrow more from the library. got more fines as well.
100. when i feel the tears coming on, smile, bite them back, and remember how lucky i am. this went pretty well. i'm happier now.
as you can see, a pretty good year's progress. i'm proud of myself, but i won't be making another list for 2009. i'm going to take each day as it comes and spend it with the people i love most. life is all about surprises, after all.
my last blog for this year most probably as i jet off at half 4 tomorrow morning to tenerife. have an amazing new year everyone, i hope 2009's a cracker. drink too much, laugh too much, kiss too much. in the immortal words of mcfly: baby we won't ever die, because we're the young, we're alright.
a bientot, victoria x
1. buy lots of different tights in lots of different colours. yeah i got that pretty much covered :)
2. get a subscription to nme well i get it saved for me at the newsagent so i guess so!
3. buy a cd. instead of downloading all my music from limewire. sadly, this was never going to happen.
4. take lots of old clothes to oxfam again, sadly not!
5. sort out my socks and put them into pairs. i don't wear socks anymore
6. increase a shoe size. still size 2/3, my baby feet are here to stay :(
7. decrease a dress size well there was a brief point over the summer where i was a certified size 8, sadly i'm back to a 10 now
.8. learn to use a compass properly i was never the outdoorsy type!
.9. go camping leeds fest baby!
.10. go to a youth hostel again, this was never going to happen.
.11. learn to curl my hair. it looks shit, but at least i've done it.
12. have a proper nice kiss with someone but not want to get emotionally attached afterwards. plenty of these. plenty of kisses where i did want to get attached as well. they were pretty special.
13. read a book that will make people think i'm clever. the bell jar, oh yes
14. find all my old babysitters club books and throw them away. yes. goodbye kristy et al. miss you mary anne.
15. save up a fiver a week for my leeds fest ticket. does it count that i promised my parents i'd pay them back...
16. get a proper job. yes :) working at lush made my summer.
17. get served alcohol in as many places as possible. well i think its safe to say i managed that one!
18. find my guitar. was on the top of my locker, ha
19. learn to play it. three chords!
20. form a band and write a half decent song. no, i wrote a lot of poems though.
21. learn to walk properly in heels. yes, i could give posh spice a run for her money
22. get a car. sadly i didn't become a millionaire in 2008
23. somehow pay for insurance and driving lessons. well i got driving lessons...
24. start buying accessories for sixth form. seeing as i decided to go to college, this point is moot.
25. become less of a lightweight. i can hold 5 archers and lemonades now, not just 2...
26. decrease the volume of my voice by a few notches. HAHAHA.
27. pass all my gcses. 3 a* 4 a 2 b, i was pretty proud of myself.
28. drink lots of coffee and white wine. too much of both.
29. talk about books to a person in a book shop. did it with mel in waterstones. she loved phillipa greggory as well, but didn't like meg rossoff.
30. watch amelie all the way through. did so in french. i miss mrs slack.
31. apply lipstick properly. yes, dita von teese eat yer heart out.
32. convince a randomer i'm french. no, but one day i will!
33. be in a play.pirates of penzance, i proper miss it!
34. stop taking so many myspace quizzes. i don't go on myspace anymore really.
35. bitchslap someone who deserves it. miranda at owen's ha, okay well maybe she didn't deserve it...
36. paint my bedroom. it's now black and gold.
37. go a week without crying.i hardly ever cry anymore.
38. turn down my ipod a bit so i don't go deaf. it's now at half volume, unless i'm feeling really crunk.
39. have a lovely party. no :( 2009, for the big eighteenth though!
40. cook a meal for the family me, cook?!
.41. somehow persuade someone to take me on a topshop spending spree. merci maman :)
42. hug people less. i know that sounds stupid, but i'm an overenthusiastic hugger. no, you can still find me cuddling everyone at any oppertunity.
43. try vindaloo. no i tried balti though...
43. find my "Beatles" badge. found it, and promptly lost it again.
44. somehow find a way of making the corn exchange re-open. it's a foodcourt now, bleurgh
45. eat less at mcdonalds no
.46. ditto burger king.no
47. ditto kfc. no
48. ditto nandos.no. i really am a chubby little shit.
49. limit my consumption of salsa to a jar a week. i have now moved up... to three jars.
50. get my braces off. aah ,mes dents sont beaux.
51. stop my constant bitterness about the happiness of others. i think i've managed this :)
52. buy a pencil skirt. it's grey and black and pretty.
53. go see the wombats. done, they were great.
54. go see jose vanders. twice, she was wonderful.
55. go see other bands, lots of them. lots and lots of them :)
56. tell my mum and dad i love them every day. i always do this now, even after we've had a fight.
57. learn the school song off by heart. oh aye, miss you wakey girls.
58. buy a classy mascara. some bad gal from benefit :)
59. sleep a lot more. i now sleep too much.
60. find a gay best friend. well i'll always have ryan. although he's not gay. but he still counts.
61. watch marie antoinette until i learn it by heart. je suis princess antoinette, watched this too many times
62. decide whether to take politics or drama for a level.drama. we all knew it was going to be!
63. apply liquid eyeliner beautifully. yesss, i'm a make up supreme now.
64. not touch a drop of cider. i thought my chavvy days were over until i sucuumed to a can of magners...
65. find a shop that sells small bags of cool original doritos. wood street, wakefield. i was dead happy. i squealed "i can cross that off my list. people looked at me strangely.
66. becoming alluring. alluring is something i'll never be :(
67. read a book in starbucks. no, i really wanted to do this as well!
68. find a new historical obsession. no, the tudors are still firmly wedged in my heart.
69. ;) unfortunatly i am still (almost) as pure as i was this time last year.
70. go out clubbing.SHAKEY WAKEY.
71. go a week without the computor. facebook stole my soul
72. keep secrets. partially.
73. get drunk in january. done so at my new year's party, the bluebell with the fryston lot, and at owen's party.
74. not send anyone a valentines card in february. i still hate valentines
75. buy a new umbrella in march. thanks primark
76. put flowers by naomi's tree in april. it made me cry but i had to do it. think about you all the time, sweetheart.
77. be clever in my exams in may. not as clever as i could have been.
76. put up my paddling pool and have a pool party in june. it rained and rained and rained
77. sleep until 12 in july. every day.
72. buy a suit in august. chose college so again, moot point.
73. make a good start to my AS levels in september. i think i'm doing pretty well so far!
74. dress as anne boleyn for halloween in october. i went as a flapper
75. hold someones hand during fireworks in november. no :( my paws were cold! i want someone's hand to hold.
76. buy lovely christmas presents in december. i hope everyone liked them :)
77. get so drunk i can't remember anything in the morning. ben's house. from the videos i've seen i was a total embarrasment.
78. make my mum and dad customized t shirts for their anniversary. i forgot! but next year for the big 25!
79. renew my attendance at the gym.pah. have you seen my belly?
80. stop listening to westlife. not only did i not stop listening, i went to see them live...
81. find some blu tack and stick up my bansky and pete doherty posters.
.82. go a day a fortnight without make up, to replenish my skin. i don't bother at weekends anymore.
83. make myself a salad. yummy cherry tomatoes, oh i am a chef.
84. use more semi colons and brackets. (i tried to do this as much as possible; i found it hard)85. somehow meet jk rowling or pete doherty. i'm still waiting
86. visit versailles again. no but versailles 09 with the blands!
87. take a tram. no, many buses though.
88. buy an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini. primark didn't have any, szrd.
89. laugh everyday, in every situation. hahahahaaaa i did my very best.
90. use up my juicy lucy friendship cards. i still have a couple left for some lucky people!
91. have a solo shopping trip, just me on my own. many times, i am now skint.
92. take less posey pictures. lots more.
93. take more "natural" pictures. lots more
94. discover new bands on myspace. it wasn't as fruiful a year for music as 2007 but still i found some beauties.
95. delete all the phone numbers of the people i'll never need to talk to. no, hello boy who i pulled on holiday 2 years ago, hello random people in clubs, hello friends of parents. let's all get together sometime for a drink.
96. do my own laundry. never.
97. learn to like mushrooms. they still repulse me.
98. do my work experience in a school. i loved every second of it. highlight of my year, well one of them. can't wait to be a teacher.
99. borrow more from the library. got more fines as well.
100. when i feel the tears coming on, smile, bite them back, and remember how lucky i am. this went pretty well. i'm happier now.
as you can see, a pretty good year's progress. i'm proud of myself, but i won't be making another list for 2009. i'm going to take each day as it comes and spend it with the people i love most. life is all about surprises, after all.
my last blog for this year most probably as i jet off at half 4 tomorrow morning to tenerife. have an amazing new year everyone, i hope 2009's a cracker. drink too much, laugh too much, kiss too much. in the immortal words of mcfly: baby we won't ever die, because we're the young, we're alright.
a bientot, victoria x
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