"mr bennett, you have no compassion for my poor nerves!"

so yes, stress. over the past few days/weeks/whatever, i've been suffering with that particular problem. now don't get me wrong, it's not a depressing kind of stress, more the kind that makes you want to punch something and go 'AAAAAARGH'. i'm not usually prone to tears at all but i had a bit of a crying fit with mother-dearest the other night because i have to let out all this stressful angry energy sometimes.

what is the reason for this newfound stresshead? i really just don't know, it isn't like me at all to be overly paranoid and cross and basically 'rawwwwwwwwwh!'. a lot of it is down to work, it's just hit me recently that i have big bad exams in what, eight weeks? or something equally ridiculous, and i know nothing. the only subject i am confident of passing with a really good mark is le francais, six months of slacking off in english lit and not even trying to comprehend history has done me no favours, i fear. don't get me started on theatre- six weeks to pull together an entire show is an extremely daunting prospect and if we fail miserably i'm going to be very bitter. however, i have great confidence in my fellow thespians that we will do ourselves proud. i've decided that as of now i am blowing my stresses away on a cloud. it's time for me to remember that the world isn't going to end if things go slightly pear-shaped, and that i can use my inner genius to pass all my exams with flying colours and get a full scholarship to oxbridge and become a nobel peace prize winner and marry stephen fry. that'd be fun.

wednesday nights are pretty much my favourite thing in the whole world right now, waterloo road/gossip girl fest, oh yes. i shall be quite desolate when the series finish. i'm paticularly enjoying waterloo road right now, maxine's death, cry cry. i knew it was coming, but still *weeps*. and then after my tv fest i'm going to read some more anna karenina, which i'm totally hearting so far, it's like pride and prej but russian which makes it all exotic and wow. i wish i was a russian princess like kitty. princess victoriana finyani. i think my natural regal grace is going to waste sometimes, i was obv born to sit on a throne.

speaking of thrones, i saw the young victoria on saturday. i loved it, it was historically accurate, gorgeous costumes, emily blunt and rupert friend had amazing onscreen chemistry so it basically ticked all the 'perfect period drama' boxes. i've actually never been a big 'victorian' person, but i've been doing a bit of background reading since watching the film and i'm finding all quite interesting. they may take over the tudors as my reigning historical obsession, god knows i'm sick to bloody death of cardinal wolsey and his crappy little treaty of london. i am going to fail history and it makes me sad. such is life.

lent is also going well, it is almost three weeks since i touched the demon drop and i feel like a much healthier, cleaner person- almost a new me, you could say. well okay, that's a lie, but i do like the fact that i'm doing something actually challenging and i'm determined to stick it out. alcohol plays a big part in nearly every social event i find myself at, and it's strange to be saying 'no thank you' instead of 'yes please!' but at least i'm not making a tit of myself all the time. well no, i still am making a tit of myself all the time, but at least i can remember it. whether this is better or worse remains to be seen!

anyway i can almost hear the chimes of waterloo road beginning so i shall love you and leave you. i feel calmer for writing my stresses down actually, it's a good job, because i was getting so stressed i was almost at the point of explosion. and whilst seeing me spotaneously combust would probably be very amusing, it could be slightly painful. for me anyway.

vic x

things that annoy and slightly worry me day

1) money, i hate not having it, i hate how it restricts your entire life only having a fiver in your bank account. i could have been out clubbing tonight with amigos but NO i had to stay in and have another pointless night on facebook because i haven't got the money to even get to pontefract, let alone entry to any clubs, not to mention drinks! urgh.
2) my stomach, hate hate hate almost as much as i dislike my face (so that's a great deal). no definition and it just jiggles about everywhere, has no tone whatsoever, and what's more i'm such a lazy shit that i cannae even be arsed to do anything about it.
3) my family or more specifically my brother- just because i am not out humping anything that moves, like you, does not make me a lesbian or a misfit, it just means i have standards that are hard to attain :). it pisses me off that i'm only seventeen and i'm already being seen as a failure for, oh gosh, not having a significant other, and that it's seen as odd to enjoy being single.
4) my wardrobe and how there seems to be nothing in it i want to wear anymore.
5) never having anything to do.
6) being so far away from fran and ryan nearly all the time when i literally need them to keep me sane sometimes.
7) bus timetables from hillam to just about everywhere, hate public transport, hate bus drivers.
8) the fact that i'm totally stupid and am likely to do shit in my a levels and not get in a good university and drop out of my degree and end up on the streets homeless except for the occasional cup of coffee bought by some kind old lady who thinks i'm a trampy man and i'll be a poor single-mother drug-addict by the time i'm 23, at which point some movie director will buy the rights to my story so i'll become a millionaire and maybe be slightly more cheerful.
9) not sleeping, like every night is supposed to be early night but i still find my brain whirring and ticking about until at least half twelve and then having to get up at the crack of dawn.
10) caring about people way too much and worrying about them too much, and when i'm exhausted about worrying about everyone else realizing i still have to worry about me.
11) being a perfectionist and not letting myself make mistakes- then beating myself up about it when i do.
12) the cold, i just want summer and sunshine and a beach where i can close my eyes and forget that everyone else apart from me exists.
13) how beautiful some people are- i mean i know beauty is skin deep and without wanting to sound all cocky, i like my personality (for the most part)- but seeing these girls with perfect faces and perfect hair just makes me want to scream. AARGH.
14) living in a village where the most exciting event to happen all year is the scarecrow festival, i kid you not.
15) the fact that i've lost all love for literature right now and that i'm actually regressing back to books i read when i was fifteen.

i am such a spoilt, idiotic, mardy little cow today. anyone reading this blog who doesn't know me in real life, doesn't know that in reality i'm a silly, happy girl with no reason to be angry at the world must think i'm a right emo. which i am so totally not, i'm just having a nice little strop about 'how the world doesn't understand me!' *slit slit* bahaha. need space to vent, AAAARGH. vented. grumpy old woman will shut up and go back in her cage, not to be released for several weeks. it's just been a bad bad few days i guess where i get pissed off with everyone and then assume everyone's pissed off at me- which let's face it, quite a few people probably are! haha. it will be right, i'm going to wakefield tomorrow to see ryan and becky (and take lots of cheesy pictures) and being around them will quieten me down, i think i just need someone to shake me and tell me stop being such an idiot. thursday will roll around and i'll walk into college happy as larry as usual :) and i'll do a grace and delete this blog entry for being so damn whiny and annoying.

sorry guys, as i'm sure you're all probably aware, i am so not usually like this! being a mardy bum and self obsessed and woe-is-me isn't really my cup of tea these days (i have too much to worry about my friends at the moment without getting all sad myself :( ), i promise that the infamous sourire (new french word i learnt today, it means smile) will be back tomorrow, tongue between teeth and everything! in the mean time feel free to call me an emo, i'm sure i deserve it just this once.

nanight guys, sending a hug to anyone who might be feeling as tired and cross as i am right now!
victoria x