so, today was epihany day. sat in theatre studies and listened to my friend shuna tell the group that next year she's quitting college to go on mission in hawaii, paired with a theatre course. and i found myself thinking "wow". she's making something of her life- she's done so much with it already, and i realized that i've done pretty much nothing. okay it's all very well having these grand ideas about what i'm going to be when i'm 30, all the places i'm going to see and tell my grandchildren about. however, i know me better than anyone else does, and i'm one of those i'll-do-it-tomorrow sort of people. so now it's going to change. i had a long think about what i actually want to do. and i've decided, as so many people my age do, that what i want to do is travel. i want to see the world, i want to live it, not just watch it in films or read about it in books. i want to go to all the places, i want to spend weeks in paris, i want to travel round the rest of france and speak french all day long and discover everything there is to know about the country. i want to go to italy and greece. i want to roam up and down my home country, there's so many bits of fucking england i've never seen for christ's sake. i want to visit chawton (oh jane) and stratford (oh willy). i want to go back loch lomond, i want to go to stonehenge, i want to go to LONDON.
sorry, i sound overly excited here. it's funny, i've always been a homebody and now i've got this burning urge inside me to crack out of the house i've lived in for fifteen years, run away from this tiny little village i've always loved and find myself out there. problem is... when? summer seems like the perfect solution, however, selfish being i am, i'm not sure if i can give up leeds fest, endless nights drinking and the like. there's also the small matter of driving. i don't want to give up my lessons for a full summer, but i think it's unrealistic to say i'll have passed my test by then. so i'll weigh up my options as i come closer to that time, even if i only get to spend a week in paris, say, i'll at least feel as if i've achieved something. and then i am booking off summer 2010 for travelling alone. by that point i'll be 18, and legally old enough to take care of myself. this isn't something i'm going to think about and then never actually do, i'm comitted now to pro-actively making something of my days that doesn't revolve around facebook or mindless gossip. life is short, i want to grasp it.
so yes, i've got home internet AT LAST. it's taken seemingly forever but it's back now. so i'm going to post up no internet. i wrote this poem errrm last thursday i think? and i've tweaked it a bit. it's still really crap, and nowhere near as good as my year 11 poetry, but for now it'll suffice. so here it is in all its pretentious glory:
no internet
tick tick tick tick tick tick tock
goes my irritatingly correct alarm clock
another day with the wi-fi down again.
tick tick tick tick time won't stop
won't stop til i'm 16, 17, nearly 17 and a half now
i have little to show except a groaning bookcase, half finished poems and some tatty old shoes.
would i go back if i could? never.
one learns from one's mistakes, after all, and i'd say i've had my fair share.
pudding bowl haircuts, late nights and bleary mornings, my first cigarette.
too many moments with my personal paris, not enough with a romeo.
falling for wickham instead of darcy.
make do and mend, not looking gift horses in the mouth.
rosy pink memories of rosy pink cheeks, two little girls in a paddock
school uniforms, sports day, i always came last, i can piss myself about it now.
my literary career began with the babysitters club.
golden days, golden age, it's all still golden, everything we touch turns golden.
we're still such babies, we don't know yet know the years of gold slipping away and turning to grey dust.
this might just be the shitest little ditty i've ever put a pen to, but beggars can't be choosers
it's either this or crying over spilt milk and the fact that i can't check my facebook.
i now realize i have probably lost about half my blog readership (which is only about five anyway!) by showing how ridiculously bad my creative skills are. and here you all thought i was intelligent and interesting ;) baaah!
so for now, until you forgive me for posting up such tripe
a bientot! victoria x
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