when life hands you a lemon...

make lemonade ;)
okay, so suffice to say, summer really hasn't got off to the best possible start this year for me. however, being an eternal optimist (and not to mention, a very strong person, when i need to be) i've managing to find the silver linings to the blackest cloud i have had for a while. everything happens for a reason, as one door closes, another opens, yadda yadda yadda. suffice to say, it's not been the best week of my existance, or one that i'll look back on with happiness. however, i really do think these kind of experiences are the ones that build you into a much stronger person. life really is too short to live with regrets, and in the past four months i really have had none :) and i know i will always look back on that short period of my life and smile.

enough of the emo angst (god knows i've had enough of it!), now for the fun stuff. and despite everything, there has been a lot of fun stuff. last night we did the now traditional 'getting hammered in york' shebang. which involved us being kicked out of two places (dusk and pitcher and piano) and having to sneak round the back of the other two (lowther and vodka revs.) oh the joys of being a non-ID-carrying seventeen year old. i literally cannot wait for my birthday. only two months to go now, and i still haven't decided on if i'm even going to bother having a party. although i really think i should. i just need to think of a decent venue. my dad wants to hire out the bluebell in the village (aka, local drinking establishment of fourteen year olds, aka the place where without fail i am accosted by old men/friends of my dad/men who think rubbing stuffed deers on my leg is the way to my heart). naturally i have veto'd this idea entirely. i'm thinking of a classy do somewhere, but i have no idea where. then there is the whole guestlist/what shall i wear?/where should everyone stay? kerfuffle. too much for my head to deal with right now, or i might actually explode.

the whole turning eighteen thing makes me think a lot about the end of childhood, to be fair. whilst i don't expect to wake up on september 26th and feel like a different person, in a way, i really feel like i have grown up more over the past year. it's been a whirlwind actually, and i still can't believe that this time last year, i didn't know the amazing people that i do now. not returning to the girls' high in september was the best decision i've ever made really, instead of being the pretentious almost-rah that i was threatening to come, i feel like i've become someone who, if not always likeable, at least bearable ;). i still make stupid decisions and i still have days where i wake up and look in the mirror and think urrrrgh, but on the whole i'm a much more balanced and confident person. and it really is the people who've walked into my life this year who have enabled that, so if any of you arseholes has stopped smoking/drinking yourselves into oblivion long enough to read this, then thank you :)

but yes, i've decided i'm going to compile a list of my eighteen favourite memories from childhood, a little bit closer to my birthday. something tells me most of them will involve me doings things i really shouldn't have done (memories of throwing up all over pete cronin in wetherspoons etc...), but on the whole, i've been a pretty good girl methinks.

right, enough of my semi-philosophical ramblings. i need to go straighten my hair. the mushroom is in bad shape right now.

victoria x

god's moving about his furniture.

friday night and for the first time this year i think, we have a thunderstorm. this makes me very happy, i love nasty weather when i'm all snug as bug in my tattiest h&m jumper. everyone seems to be doing something tonight, the friends are watching a sketch show in town, the boyfriend is gallivanting about the harry potter film set and rubbing shoulders with the stars, even my parents are out on the lash somewhere. the only company i have is the dog, but actually it's nice to get some 'me-time'. i've been so busy and stressed what with exams and everything that it makes a real change to be able to have the luxury of sitting and writing about myself for quarter of an hour as etta james serenades me. aaaaah.
so, i've got AS theatre studies under my belt now, finally. what grade at remains to be seen i suppose, but at least it's done and dusted. i'd like to say no harm done, but unfortunatly my lovely friend shuna managed to stab her foot with a pitchfork in our performance. blood everywhere. my infamous vom nearly made an appearence actually, but the show must go on i suppose. i didn't really enjoy the play we performed actually- i found it rather boring, both to act and to watch. the gestus didn't really come through, which was a disappointment, but to be honest i'm just relieved that it's over and i never have to think about 'fear and misery in the third reich' ever again.
i feel like i should do something constructive. the urge to write a poem is getting stronger, which is good. i've not written anything decent in ages, the last one was a shitty ditty about how happy my friends and random walks into york make me. but it had no substance or real emotion to it and it felt as if i was making up random imagery for the sake of it. i genuinely don't think i've ever been happier than i am now- i have the best friends possible, i'm with someone amazing and it's nearly summer. however all this happiness does not make for good poetry it seems! maybe i can only write about depressing things. all my best poems have been written in times of turmoil, however right now i'm about as far from depression as possible (touch wood). i won't complain too much, if it's a choice between happiness and creative genius then i'll pick a day with harri in museum gardens followed by a night on the lash with the fold any day of the week, thank you very much.
so i feel like i've written enough for now, i'm gently weaning myself back into the world of blogging ;). nanight boys and girls- the ones who are still reading this! :)
x
ps there's no food in the house- tea tonight for me has been a cucumber.

there is a light and it never goes out

blog neglect alert. i am a bad boy. real life is again catching up with me, and added to this i've been suffering from copious writer's block. so the online ramblings have been taking a back seat recently, however, i think it's time i made a return.

so yeah times have been lovely and shiny and happy these past few weeks. it's a combination of a lot of things- the nice weather always perks me up, and i've realized recently how lucky i am to have the friends i do (and i have to say, the new facebook relationship status is making me grin a fair bit as well ;) ). i feel like i've found a group of people i can trust a million percent, and i love it. unfortunatly, newfound strong friendships can put a strain on those which have been around for a lot longer. sometimes, it feels like the bonds fade from not seeing eachother enough, and it's easy for paranoia to set in. harsh words are a lot more easily exchanged over msn or on the phone than they are face-to-face and there's been times where i've felt like i've come close to losing three of the most important people to me altogether. i hope all three of them- they know who they are- know how much i still adore them, even if i can't show it as often as i'd like to.

god this is bad, i'm actually running out of things to say already. ummmm. have i read anything new? no. not really. have i listened to any good music? ooh. fleet foxes are a bit yummy and relaxing. and i like peter d's new album as well. although not as much as the libertines. but that's par for the course. i still wish they were headlining leeds fest, although i'm pleased with the headliners. arctic monkeys=love actually, although i think that's the same with any remotely 'indie' (SORRY FOR USING THAT WORD, PLEASE BURN ME AT THE STAKE) person. i saw last shadow puppets last year and they kicked absolute arse, so i know the monkeys won't disappoint, and we'll all be looking good on the dancefloor (see what i did there?). radiohead are a band i've never really listened to, so i'm going to try to get into them. i know of their complete legendary status so i'm confident i'll like them. and kings of leon are the sexiest band known to man, so that'll be good larks. i'm actually looking forward to it so much already. i know everyone's like 'it's at the end of august!' but last year it rolled around so quickly, i know we'll be sat outside our tents getting drunk on cheap cider in no time. BOLLLLLLLLOCKS!

hair dying time. imma going for my normal auburn shade, so nothing exciting. just about as exciting as this blog. sorry guys. i am a thick shit with nothing to say. oh my god that reminds me of one of my emo diary entries circa 2005 'i am an empty shell who does not deserve a name'. oh viki, you were a troubled soul.

queen of the geordies

okay guys, time to come clean. i've been suffering with hairy feet for some time now and with the support of those nearest and dearest to me i've been able to confront my insecurites and display my tootsies with pride. the hair is here to stay, i think it just adds to my already ravishing beauty...

the past few days have been a lot better and considerably more stress-free, thank goodness. even though work is still burning on my mind, i'm learning to accept the fact that i might not receive the four As that i always assumed were guarenteed. i'm hoping i do my very best, i know that by the end of my gcses i had completley run out of steam and didn't perform as well as i could/should have. however i have genuine motivation to keep me going- the prospect of newcastle for which i will need at the very least AAB will hopefully make sure that i get my arse in gear and work. saying that, right now i should be preparing for my mock french oral tomorrow and i'm not, so... :/. however, it's hard to be totally stressed out when for once, everything else in life seems to be going just absolutley right and i've been all smiley, for various reasons.

one of those reasons is that today finally felt like the first day of spring. now i think that england is the most beautiful place in the world throughout all the seasons- each one has something to offer, even winter when everything is cold and dead. but spring is really special, everything feels so alive and new, fresh beginnings and all that. today the sun was shining, the daffodils were out in full force and we sat on the lawn outside college and had a very mini picnic and i just thought, this is the life! i hope the good weather continues, i'm not a 'cold wrap up warm' person at all, i can't wait for the long lazy summer.

oxbridge conference yesterday up in newcastle. becca drove me there and back, and at first i was slightly nervous as i didn't know her well at all, however we totally hit it off straight away and had a brilliant road trip, involving mcdonalds and cheesy music and getting lost around newcastle trying to find a piercing studio. i'm seriously considering getting a nose stud, but i'm terrified i'll look all common, i might do a little survey tomorrow to find out what people think of them haha. i watched becca get her industrial done, and i have to say, just looking at a needle made me feel slightly ill. however, one has to suffer in the name of fashion i suppose. it's funny how i travelled all the way to newcastle for an oxbridge conference and ended up falling in love with the city itself. it seemed so cosmopolitan and the people so friendly, whereas the students and tutors from oxbridge seemed almost cold and clinicial. i know i can't be happy in a place where work will always, always come first and for that reason i've decided oxbridge definitly isn't for me and i'm not going to waste a UCAS place applying. (not that i'd get in anyway). the parents are thrilled by this decision, espcially my 'inverted snob' dad who hates jack wills/ugg culture almost as much as i do. i think they'd already guessed that i would decide that oxbridge wasn't for me, and they want me to stay close to home. hopefully if i can get in somewhere like newcastle, it'll be the best of both worlds.

anyway i'm rather tired and i really should prepare for the french oral tomorrow and try to get just a little bit of sleep- i'm running low on slumber time at the moment- so i will bid adieu. 'parting is such sweet sorrow' as darling chris would say.

victoria x

"mr bennett, you have no compassion for my poor nerves!"

so yes, stress. over the past few days/weeks/whatever, i've been suffering with that particular problem. now don't get me wrong, it's not a depressing kind of stress, more the kind that makes you want to punch something and go 'AAAAAARGH'. i'm not usually prone to tears at all but i had a bit of a crying fit with mother-dearest the other night because i have to let out all this stressful angry energy sometimes.

what is the reason for this newfound stresshead? i really just don't know, it isn't like me at all to be overly paranoid and cross and basically 'rawwwwwwwwwh!'. a lot of it is down to work, it's just hit me recently that i have big bad exams in what, eight weeks? or something equally ridiculous, and i know nothing. the only subject i am confident of passing with a really good mark is le francais, six months of slacking off in english lit and not even trying to comprehend history has done me no favours, i fear. don't get me started on theatre- six weeks to pull together an entire show is an extremely daunting prospect and if we fail miserably i'm going to be very bitter. however, i have great confidence in my fellow thespians that we will do ourselves proud. i've decided that as of now i am blowing my stresses away on a cloud. it's time for me to remember that the world isn't going to end if things go slightly pear-shaped, and that i can use my inner genius to pass all my exams with flying colours and get a full scholarship to oxbridge and become a nobel peace prize winner and marry stephen fry. that'd be fun.

wednesday nights are pretty much my favourite thing in the whole world right now, waterloo road/gossip girl fest, oh yes. i shall be quite desolate when the series finish. i'm paticularly enjoying waterloo road right now, maxine's death, cry cry. i knew it was coming, but still *weeps*. and then after my tv fest i'm going to read some more anna karenina, which i'm totally hearting so far, it's like pride and prej but russian which makes it all exotic and wow. i wish i was a russian princess like kitty. princess victoriana finyani. i think my natural regal grace is going to waste sometimes, i was obv born to sit on a throne.

speaking of thrones, i saw the young victoria on saturday. i loved it, it was historically accurate, gorgeous costumes, emily blunt and rupert friend had amazing onscreen chemistry so it basically ticked all the 'perfect period drama' boxes. i've actually never been a big 'victorian' person, but i've been doing a bit of background reading since watching the film and i'm finding all quite interesting. they may take over the tudors as my reigning historical obsession, god knows i'm sick to bloody death of cardinal wolsey and his crappy little treaty of london. i am going to fail history and it makes me sad. such is life.

lent is also going well, it is almost three weeks since i touched the demon drop and i feel like a much healthier, cleaner person- almost a new me, you could say. well okay, that's a lie, but i do like the fact that i'm doing something actually challenging and i'm determined to stick it out. alcohol plays a big part in nearly every social event i find myself at, and it's strange to be saying 'no thank you' instead of 'yes please!' but at least i'm not making a tit of myself all the time. well no, i still am making a tit of myself all the time, but at least i can remember it. whether this is better or worse remains to be seen!

anyway i can almost hear the chimes of waterloo road beginning so i shall love you and leave you. i feel calmer for writing my stresses down actually, it's a good job, because i was getting so stressed i was almost at the point of explosion. and whilst seeing me spotaneously combust would probably be very amusing, it could be slightly painful. for me anyway.

vic x

i return- fanfares please.

hello hello, to anyone who has been checking this blog every single hour in need of a new post (in which case please leave your name and address, a restraining order may be needed), i am very sorry! for once, real life (which means oodles of college work and knackeredness) has caught up on me and prevented me from posting. however it's friday night and i've found myself with nothing to do, so i thought an update was in order!

this week has been overly dramatic, it's like everything has been humdrum for the past few weeks and now it's all exploded. some of it is very good, some of it is bad. by nature, i'm not an argumentative or confrontational person- it takes a lot to ruffle my feathers and i hate any kind of falling out. so yesterday was pretty hard for me, having a massive argument with one of my closest friends. however, friendships are a bit like marriages, you have to work, and it's all 'give and take'. the particular girl in question i've been bezzers with for nearly six months now and we've never had any kind of major argument, so perhaps a bit of air clearing was needed? in any case things are fine now and i'm back to my normal chirpy self!

just watched last night's episode of skins and i think that it's one of the best in the series so far- JJ instantly became the most likeable and real character in the programme and the only one i can universally sympathise with (except pandora, who IS me). i thought the debussy music was inspired as well, it juxtaposed so well with the action scenes like cook and JJ running from the police. i don't know, i was really sceptical about this series of skins at first, and i still have to say series one is my all time favourite- but i don't agree at all with the massive backlash against this series. it's not the same programme- there have been fundamental changes, but in a lot of cases i think this is for the better and i can't wait to see how the rest of the series pans out :)

tomorrow will hopefully be fun. i'm seeing my own ron and hermione (also known as ryan and francesca) in leeds for shopping and cinema and general reunion times. it's weird how even just a couple of weeks after seeing them i feel as if i've lost a limb. i shall jump on them both tomorrow and we'll go to mcdonald's, because we're scaffs and it's the only place cheap enough. plus i want to save my money because i believe it's high time i bought a new going out dress. there's actually a nice one in primarni, £13, yer can't go wrong! i had to donate my last fiver to richard today, after losing our 'who will pass their driving test first' bet. the only silver lining is that he's agreed to drive me into college on thursdays, so i now get a second lie in every week! good, i've been needing more and more zzzzzzs recently.

yummy, i'm listening to travis, i'd forgotten how much i loved them albeit in a rather cringey way. spotify is my new best friend, if you don't have it, you should totes download it. it has every single album you can imagine on it so i'm rediscovering some right gems :) i'm thinking billie piper next? oh dear did i just say that out loud...

anyway i'm taking my leave as i have stuff to do, people to see, deals to make, you know, it's a busy life mine! bahaha. oh gosh driving tomorrow. last lesson wasn't my finest hour, making the instructor scream as i nearly cavorted into some old woman's car is quite funny looking back... however i really don't believe i'm supposed to be on the roads. i might stick to public transport and rely on my increasing number of driving friends to ferry me about :) thanks guys!

nanight, victoria x

tonight make me unstoppable

i am beyond tired right now. you know when it gets to that stage when you're so tired that you can't even think about sleeping, and everything is just a blur? i actually feel semi-drunk with pure knackeredness. although that could also partially be down to the fact that i've been semi-drunk for pretty much all half term. my unit consumption must be getting in the hundreds, bleurrrgh. so i've decided to give up my one and only true vice for lent in the hope that for forty days i'll have a brighter complexion and won't wake up every saturday morning thinking "what the fuck happened last night?!"

half term has been pretty lovely though, i've kept myself busy every day with trips to leeds/york, lots of work and the like. and then i've had numerous gatherings/pub outings on the nights so it hasn't really been wasted. my proudest acheivement was actually managing to steer the car yesterday, i was beyond proud. i'm thinking i might actually pass my test this decade (im not exaggerating there) and then i'll be able to zoom all over the place and be free as a bird.

blog plug here, my english lit partner-in-crime harri has FINALLY started his blog, its www.thedeaddove.blogspot.com, he's a funny guy, check it out :D. i love how many people i've converted to the blogging way of life, you could almost say i'm like a blogging jesus although that might be taking it slightly too far...

so yeah i'm so so tired i actually can't think straight and everything i'm writing is complete shit (not that it normally isn't but anywhoo). i've just downed a cup of coffee and i'm about to get another, coffee has become my staple diet recently, i'm addicted. oscars tonight. i wish i could be all "here are my predictions" but the only nominated film i've seen was slumdog millionaire. which to be fair was epic. i SO want to see revolutionary road, i'm now reading the book having finished 'kill your friends' (read it, it's hilarious), and it's lovely. i don't know why but suburbia really freaks me out, probably after watching pleasentville too many times. the idea of monotonous houses, monotonous cars, monotonous people. i mean, i live in your typical commuter village, but it has variety and charm. i couldnt live in a suburb, it'd drive me mad.

right i'm going to leave it, i can't think of anything else to write because my head is switched off and all i can think about is this english essay i have to do and a million other buzzy little things that don't matter. sometimes i wish i had something really big to concentrate my thoughts on, i seem to waste my time mulling over crap that doesn't matter and dreaming my life away. fuck i'm stopping writing emo rubbish now haha! oh i'm listening to fall out boy's new stuff, it's like year 10 all over again before i got all pretentious about music and being like "yeah if it's not the libertines i'm not listening".

although, being fair, the libertines still rule. oh pete. i wish he'd taken that £2 million to reform for leeds fest. it would make my life.

victoria x

mr darcy fantasies are ruining my life

i couldn't ever say this to your face
but i'm finding this whole experience quite, well boring.
and please don't take offence
but i've seen all this before.

same old tangled limbs, same old tired story
it might be a slightly different face but your mouth still tastes the same
first kiss is always the niccy rush and the second one is staler
all i can concentrate on is keeping my hands glued to my sides

and somewhere in the back of my mind there are slight hazy, barely-there memories
of butterflies dancing on my tongue
of fingers pulling through my hair
of piggy backs and grassy fields and lazy arguments, we didn't care.
but not you. not tonight.

it's hard to recreate something that was never truly quite there
and i'm fidgeting because my mother once said that those we love
never really leave us, they are the brightest stars, they are always watching.
are they watching me now?

are they watching me now and do they know that i'm apologising
for not being the clever seven year old who could recite all henry the eighth's wives
and is god up there somewhere damning me down
for doing this when i'm not in love
and will my whole fate be decided
on the way that you whisper my name
and are angels singing for me now
as you grasp for my hand in the dark?

so this is the poem i had inspiration for, the last two lines have been floating around my head for a couple of weeks so it's good to put them into context. as you can see, it's about meaningless 'romantic' encounters and how pointless they are, and how i feel guilty about having them when i could and should be doing something better. and about how sometimes the memory of being in love is the only motivation for it all, even if the love wasn't real in the first place. something like that anyway, i don't know. it's a bit ironic i guess, seeing as i haven't had any kind of encounter for months, but oh well. i have nothing else to write about except the amount of work i'm getting, and being skint. it doesn't have a title right now- i saved it under 'this is no bridget jones', after a line in one of my favourite songs but i'm not keen on it as an actual title, so i'm keeping my thinking cap on. it's starting to annoy me how my poetry is all the same and really quite boring and shallow and pretentious. i might experiment next time with some actual poetic constructs, i'm thinking rhythm and imagery and perhaps actual RHYME. who knows man ;)

yesterday was lovely, me and gracie had a perfect day in york. sometimes i think i take york for granted a bit- it's amazing to spend time in a city which is so vibrant, so present- yet also so chained to its past. to walk down the streets which have been tread for centuries, to see buildings that have sprogged up over the years, to take in its absolute breathtaking beauty. now i'm a leeds girl and i always will be- its an urban paradise, the most diverse and exciting city in the world (in my opinion anyway ;)) but york is a total enigma, somewhere i could spend hours just exploring, always knowing i was going to find something new. i've got just over another year to make the most of it, which is exactly what i intend to do.

spending time with grace is the best thing ever too. for those who don't know, gracie is my childhood best friend- we have literally known eachother from being in nappies (our first meeting was me as a one year old being pushed in a pram by my grandma, scoffing up chocolate buttons. some things never change). her family used to live next door to my grandma's and i'd shout over the paddock fence every time i visited "graaaaaace! graaaaace!" and we'd spend ages running around the paddock, making up stories and tormenting her older sister. as we grew up, we became a twosome at primary school (even at that age, we knew we were intellectual oddities!) and i was left bereft when she moved to beverley when we were ten. however for the past six years we've kept a really, really strong friendship and i have a bond with her which is unlike one i have to anyone else. we have so many memories to fall back on, and i know she'd be there for me through anything. it's so strange how we've spent our adolescence apart yet our lives have so many parrallels, the way we dress, the music and books we read, our general mindsets. it's brilliant. i love her. thanks for everything gracamund :)

i bought this massive reebok jumper for £3 from expressions (currently wearing said jumper, teamed with my trusty leggings), and three books- the perks of being a wallflower (read. loved. although it wasn't as good as catcher in the rye. but then, nothing is.), kill your friends (started today, love it so far, completly piss your pants hilarious) and revolutionary road, which i want to read before seeing the film and going ballistic over the beautiful kate winslet. oh kate, i am you.

pride and prejudice binge today, i reread my favourite chapters, watched some clips on youtube (completly gratuitous, simply fufilling my burning need to see colin firth in a wet shirt smouldering. oh colin, oh colin. fuck i have to stop. the man is like fifty. fuck i don't care. oh colin...) and then reading my 'making of pride and prejudice' book that came out with the 1995 series. oh colin. sorry. but yes, that's how hardcore i am. i even got the pride and prejudice question right on university challenge. watching said challenge has also dissuaded me from applying to oxbridge, i shall NEVER be that clever.

and now i am off to bed. tomorrow i intend to work hard, on everything. because i have so much work to do, it actually slightly makes me want to cry. and then i intend to find some disney film or possibly mean girls to watch as my reward for working hard. i love organising my days. i think i'm turning into mary ann spier. oh well. as long as it's not mallory. DYKE.

nanight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite (unless you're into kinky biting. who knows? i'm not. unless it's from colin... oh god. i have problems, i really do)
victoria x

a lesson learnt in time

this weekend i've begun to realize the joys of spontaneity. i'm normally one of those people who meticulously plans every day, even silly trips to town. so ringing up people and being all "right let's do something right now" is fun. take friday for instance- i brought amy home to cheer her up and we ended up down at the blue bell (again) with steven, ben and andrew and we had a lovely wine-fuelled evening. i again demonstrated my ability to attract chavs :/ seriously, i find it so hard to understand how normal, decent guys don't really ever look at me, but i seem to emit some kind of "come-hither" waves at chavs. judging by the amount of wolf whistling anyway, grrr. but yeah, i managed to control my feelings of lust for said chavs, coughcough, to drag a very drunk amy home. bless her little cotton socks, i can't believe i've suddenly become the one amongst my friends who can hold their drink, when did that happen?!

saturday was lovely too, after a day nursing my little hungover princess we met up with our coral for the gig at town hall, unfortunatly the bands were not up to scratch, but we had fun moshing about anyway. i also had a small fit of jealousy over all the year tens in selby who are better dressed than me, it made me feel physically ill. one day i will become good, i swear, and wear outfits that will make people gasp at their sheer genius. back to coral's to watch the notebook, armed with dixy chicken, and for once i didn't cry (probably because i spent most of it asleep...)

and then yesterday was francesca-filled, the best kind of day. i got to meet her lovely friends, carrie, haseeb, nicola and becca and we shared the nicest pizza in the world along with a bottle of lambrini. i made everyone watch antiques roadshow, but its disappointing now that old guy has left. just isn't the same. fact of the day: fran's mum fancies my dad. my mommy has competition, it seems! the ladies just can't get enough of our mick. oh dear...

however all this loveliness and fun days comes after a few very testing events- every silver lining comes with a cloud. i've actually had to deal with real problems, as opposed to my normal "my-hair-looks-shit-today" horrors. to one girl in particular who i hope is reading this, i'm not giving up on you, or our friendship- it just means too much to me. i've realized over the past couple of days that we need to stick together- something tells me in the next few weeks we're all going to need eachother a lot. sometimes it's hard to put a brave face on, but if we can all keep smiling i know that we'll see all this shit through. i know that it's tested my limits a lot- my mum heard me crying for the first time in goodness knows how long yesterday morning, (i tend to let films be my emotional outlet these days!) and i think i freaked her out a bit by wailing "i'm not crying about my problems, i'm crying about everyone else's!" as if i've become some crazy philanthropist in my old age. sadly not.

right i'm thinking this has been a very boring blog entry, sorry i have nothing more interesting to say... i think i need sleep/a decent book to read. but right now my dog is whimpering for me to take him out, so it's time to don my wellies and brace myself for the mud, good times for all!

oh and i am beastly excited for tomorrow, meeting grace and jack in york for shopping and nando's time. hopefully we can make "rah-expose" part two. good craic, good craic. and i've just been hit by poetical inspiration, i will mull over it as i dog-walk and write on my return!

victoria x

Well it's been a long time, long time now
Since I've seen you smile
And I'll gamble away my fright
And I'll gamble away my time
And in a year, a year or so
This will slip into the sea
Well it's been a long time, long time now
Since I've seen you smile - beirut, nantes.

i wouldn't thank you for a valentine

so it's coming up to the loveliest day of the year for couples, valentine's. i've always hated the day, although obviously not out of bitterness coughcough. this could be because i've always (bar one year) been single for valentines- and on that said one year, my romantic present from my partner of the time was a cheap tatty card which said "from -insert-name-" no kisses. i think he might have bought me a chocolate bar as well. i was obviously adored... so yeah, the day has obvious negative connatations for me.

i remember in year eight maybe always being jealous of those elusive year eleven girls, walking around school on the 14th of february with flowers in one arm and a balloon in the other "to the best girlfriend ever." i always thought that being that age would automatically mean i'd have a boyfriend, conveniantly there to splash out on me. of course when my own year eleven rolled around, i had to sit discontentedly in the corner of the common room whilst my friends waltzed around with their flowers and cards, humphing to myself "valentine's is just a commercial gimmick anyway."

it totally is though, to be fair. i mean, to say i was in a serious relationship for nearly a year, i've never had the whole romance deal (at least not a real reciprocated romance!)- you know, the heart churning, butterflies in stomach, melt in the mouth kind of love that my friends insist does exist, even if i've never properly felt it. however i imagine when and if i do feel that kind of love, valentine's day still won't matter to me. i know so many people say it, but you really don't need one designated day of the year to show your affections to someone.

however, i am sure there are people reading this (well hopefully reading this, i don't like to think i'm writing this blog for nothing!) who are thinking 'well she doesn't have a boyfriend, she doesn't understand.' and maybe i don't- sad as it sounds, i've actually forgotten what it feels like to be in a relationship, to have someone to think about and call up when i'm bored. this doesn't make me as depressed as it used to though, haha. i have this theory that somone incredibly brilliant and mystical and clever and funny and basically all i've ever really wanted is waiting just around the corner, or right under my nose (not literally, although finding someone lovely in my back garden would be pretty cool), ready to show up tomorrow, or in a week, or in a month, or in ten years and that's what i'm waiting for because i've gotten so used to the little flings and 'seeing people' that have always been second best. and that person won't care that i'm unnattractive to the point of hilarity, or that i can be a bit shy and awkward and make really unnecessary comments when i'm nervous, or that i'm a grumpy so and so first thing in the morning and i am literally unfit to face the world until 11 am, or that i scrounge food off EVERYBODY because they will see me for who i really am, or at least who i'd like to think i really am. well that's what i'm hoping anyway haha. something tells me the reality is going to be something different- 60 years of spinsterhood and being 'everybody's favourite aunt' is coming my way, i fear! ;)

so to anyone single reading this who is desparing because they don't have a valentine this year: you are not alone! :D. just be thankful you don't have to spend drinking/clothing/leeds fest-funding money (because we're all starting to realize that tickets come out NEXT MONTH and we're skinto!) on crappy cards and chocolates. i'm off for a girls night out to good old selby on valentine's day and i can't wait. if all else fails, stay at home and stick bridget jones on (i AM bridget jones) with a tub on ben and jerrys. sounds like a plan to me.

as i began to write this, my parents were asleep on the sofa, both facing opposite directions but with my dad's feet neatly tucked inside my mum's. now that's true romance for you.

victoria x

last night i dreamt i went to manderley again

samsung g600, we hardly knew ye. sad news today guys- after a long and happy relationship, i am widowed after my lovely mobile died. whether it is to have a christ-like resurrection remains to be seen, but in the mean time i need numbers for my old nokia something or other please. so if you are reading this, and i am friends with you (or enemies, who knows) GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER BITCH. and i will be grateful and love you to all eternity, amen. my number is still the same by the way- won't post it on here for obvious reasons!

so tonight was lovely, i went round to charlie's house and we watched la vie en rose and played on the wii fit and i ate some of the loftus' fajitas, even though i'd already had tea, because i cannot resist mexican EVER. charlie's french partner, alexandre, was there as well and we had a right gigglefest hoola-hooping on the wii, which naturally i was hopeless at. typical that even virtual sports render me useless, one of these days i AM going to get fit and become a super athlete and win sixteen gold medals at the 2012 olympics. so suck on that. i'm thinking rowing might be my forte.

i actually kind of wish i had done french exchange this year, the partners all seem really nice and it really is a good way of improving votre francais. not to mention it looks pretty swish on ucas forms. no victoria, shut up about ucas. but i suppose i already did one with the hated sarah in year ten (angouleme- the french version of doncaster), so i can't really complain. besides, according to guillame my french is good enough anyway! tee hee hee. i do love completley immersing myself in the language though, i love being in france and speaking french all day. it's funny how it almost becomes instinct- sometimes i catch myself having little thoughts in french and it makes me smile. i remember in angouleme, i took a book with me (katie price- angel. i kid you not, my fifteen year old self was a badass) and i didn't open it until maybe the fifth day. it actually took me a few pages to get back into the swing of reading in english, i'd been so used to parlaying french. i definitly want to spend some time there, whether as part of university or a gap year. my dad told me the other day that he thinks i'm like a little bird who will soon want to fly the nest and that he can see me moving abroad. i don't know about a permanant move- i am so yorkshire born and bred it's untrue. i'm one of those annoying people who gets a lump in their throat when they see the yorkshire moors or an old man sat with a flat cap outside a pub with a whippet. i love god's own county.

so i'm halfway through rebecca, and i absolutly love it. i'm finding it genuinly chilling, and it's hard to find a book that isn't stephen king, scary. mrs danvers is such a lesbian creep, i love her. it's the perfect setting as well- having been to cornwall, i know how eerie it can seem. i will hopefully get it finished this weekend- sunday probably, i'm doing nothing else. and then i'm going to set myself the challenge of anna karenina, which i am not looking forward to but i feel has to be done. that'll take up my reading for at least two weeks i'd say, bad times. and then i want to read fear and loathing in las vegas. and revolutionary road. i'm going through a bit of an american literature phase at the moment, it's all about the discontment of the american dream maaan. on top of all this i'm supposed to be finding a monologue for theatre, i found one about percy shelley's first wife (she threw herself into the serpentine you know!) which seemed intruiging, also a gothic lezza fantasy which i might do just for the laughs. or there was the shakespeare katherine of aragon one, decisions decisions. i wish i could act, i really do.

so tomorrow i'm going to see benjamin button and swoon over brad pitt. i hope it's as good as the reviews say it is, i'm expecting a real treat. the concept slightly reminds me of the time traveller's wife, but hopefully not as sad. i shall just have to cry on mel's shoulder- i am tres excited about seeing her, elle and miranda. it's been too long and i love them dearly!

anyway i'm off to rest my sleepy head, it's late and my pillows look welcoming. sweet dreams.
victoria x

You're such a beautiful writer that's not all you are
I'm sorry about making a pass
It was subtle but I think that you grasped
The meaning intended
I can be a friend to you
I won't pretend I'm not interested in breaking your heart
It's not love no it's nothing like that
I'll leave that to lookers like him
Oh he's such a delicate thing
Now it's such a fragile thing that we have
I should be suspended from class - Suspended From Class, Camera Obscura

i gyve unto my wief my second best bed

letters to and from my 12 year old self.

sometimes i think you knew more than i do
as you sit there pen in hand, chewing for the right word
they say wisdom comes with age, but i cannot offer you the solace you deserved

dear diary, he's so fit, he looked at me today
do you think he likes me dear diary? no he doesn't
silly girl, stop dreaming, start living
plenty of time for your first kiss
you'll cry after it anyway and wish you'd waited for something sweeter

you're more lovely innocent then you'll ever be corrupted
kohl-less eyes and your sticky first lip gloss
cheap perfume smudged onto maths homework
square roots aren't as important as you'd think

i can see you now lying in my old single bed
hair sprayed ungracefully on the pillow
dreaming of some guy on the bus who remarked on how caramel it was
(you always used to think it was yellow as dishwater)
and of how your world would be straight and simple in five years time

dear diary, youth is wasted on the young, love victoria.

okay, i'm not sure on the title, or the last line. think they're a bit cheesy, but it's a good effort and i'm pretty pleased with it. i feel as if i'm getting back into the swing of things now and will hopefully one day produce my masterpiece and become the next emily dickinson and have lots of people kiss my grave and leave lipstick marks, a la oscar wilde. (yes you can tell i've been watching paris je t'aime clips on youtube).

snow was lahvely yesterday, i hate that awful slushy yellow stuff we normally get in england so to wake up to at least six inches of beautiful powdery proper crunchy snow was amazing. i didn't have to think twice about taking the day off college, and me and ellie had a lazy day walking through the village and throwing snowballs at eachother (i will just digress to say that i LOVE that girl and i am so glad we've put our issues behind us and got close again. i missed you hamsterface!) then we went back to hers and spent the rest of the day eating out her house and baking the world's worst chocolate cake with icing that tasted of pure alcohol. after which i persuaded ellie to watch shakespeare in love with me. oh my god, joseph fiennes. oh my god, ben affleck, oh my god, COLIN FIRTH. needless to say the film was a success with both of us, and it would be a lovely story if it were true. poor anne hathaway, i always used to feel so sorry for her until i read the poem by carol ann duffy. which gave a different, if probably inaccurate spin on things!

so yeah it's short but sweet today (like me then!). the more discerning of you may have noticed the music player toodling along in the background, i filled it up last night with about thirty songs- they're not necessarily all my favourites (i couldn't find my favourite ever song, i will follow you into the dark) but they are all choons that are making me happy and thoughtful at this moment in time. had to include some musical tracks for old times sake haha. but if anyone doesn't like it- i'll freely admit it's a bit myspace- let me know and i'll whisk it off a.s.a.p.

also i am FINALLY reading a decent book to get my teeth into- rebecca by daphne du maurier which i've had lingering on my shelf for about a year. so far 100 pages in, i'm really enjoying it and i'm totally getting the whole 'you're supposed to fall in love with the dead wife, not the narrator' thing. recommended to anyone who fancies a good murder mystery, i've heard the film is supposed to be a cracker as well, might have to buy it to watch over half term :)

anyway i'm off for some peri-peri chicken, yum!
victoria x

ps. they've opened an american apparal in manchester. god i know you're watching this and i know you love me- so please get the powers that be to open one in leeds?! thank you.

"each for all and all for god"? my arse

okay so i've stuck my smiley face back where it belongs and yesterday and today have brightened things up, thank goodness! i hate being all drippy and sappy so not feeling turd-like is a great relief! however at the moment i am smiling through gritted, gritted teeth after my lovely day at the girls' high yesterday has been soured by the news today that one of my close mates is being kicked out. not because of, i don't know, drugs or bullying or something that would reasonably get you kicked out of college, no. the nice pies at the girls' high are kicking her out because "she wasn't working hard enough." i'm sorry, even as a born-again hard grafter, but i have to say that is the most ridiculous excuse to expel anyone, ever. by "not working hard enough" the senior management team are basically saying to my friend "look, you're not going to get AAA on results day, we don't want you here." it's pissed me off so much, urgh. just a few weeks before her a2 exams as well, now she's just been left in the lurch. hopefully she'll be coming to col in september to re do her a2s, but still. what pisses me off more is that two boys over at the boys school cockslapped a girl in my year the other day and have got off pretty much scot free, that's blatant sexism for you. mnnnrgh. makes me so glad i've left, i think i'd be in the same boat had i stayed on!

having said all that, i did have a lovely day visiting yesterday. it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder and seeing all my posh friends (love you guys!) in their suits did make me feel proud and almost a little wistful. it's funny how you can be away from a place for so long but still feel like you belong there when you go back, albeit if only for a few hours. of course i had to literally jump on every single person who walked through the common room with cries of "oh my gawwwd i've missed you so much!" and then make ryan walk me around school to try to find people i knew. everyone was staring at us as we walked by and i asked him if it was because my leaving had made such an impact that people were stunned by my return. however he brutally quashed my dreams of leaving a legacy by telling me "actually vicky, i think it's because i'm a boy...walking round an all girls school". i'd forgotten how we used to treat the male sixth formers you'd occasionally see in the corridors as local-celebrities, it was even funnier how all the small children assumed me and ryan were a couple- i was a bit naughty with this, i had a go at a year eight for saying she always thought ryan was gay ("i find the fact that you think my boyfriend is gay pretty offensive actually!").

but yes, it was nice to see everybody, although it served as a reminder that i am really happy where i am and certainly made the right choice in coming to college. i don't think i could cope permanantly with the stifling atmosphere and the overwhelming pressure to achieve, not to mention the stark financial situation of some of the girls' compared to my own (and most of my new friends'). i take for example one girl- who is absolutly lovely in her defence- who was upset because the courtesy car she'd been sent after crashing her new mini cooper is a fiat punto. i'm sorry but i would kill (not people, perhaps a bird or a small rodent) for a fiat punto or indeed any set of wheels. heck i wouldn't mind a three wheeler, in fact i think they're pretty cool in a vintagey way. just have to pass my test first, and that's the complicated bit. andrewboy passed his yesterday with one minor, the bloody driving savant. i'm going to full on make him take me on so many roadtrips in the holidays for all the times he's called me fat/nicked my hairband/been a general dick to me. scarborough here we come! haha.

so yeah, i'm knackered- i always am- and i'm psyched about skins tonight, and i can't believe i actually used the word psyched and i want to have some tea and wash my mop before it comes on and stuff, so i'm going to love you and leave you whilst i tuck into some lettuce. i've been so healthy today, it kills me inside. my effort to stay this side of twenty stone is wearing thin, i think i might just give up to the chips and cake and die a happy old lady, stuck to the sofa. haha imagine if they had to get a crane or something to pull me out, like in what's eating gilbert grape. oh wait no, they didn't get a crane, they just burnt down the house, with the fat woman in it, because she was too massive to move. that was a hilarious, if slightly disturbing movie. it's always weird to see a pre-titanic leo, and still find his 14 year old self attractive. even if he is past it now. oh leo, how disappointing. you were so beautiful in titanic, why did you have to die, just because stupid kate winslet wouldnt shove her ass up a bit on that floating door. you didn't deserve it leo, you should have been with someone like me.

anyway i digress! finally taking my leave :)
a bientot, victoria x

blairoholics anonymous

*goes into dreamlike trance* if i could have looked as hot as this in a school uniform, i swear i would have stayed at the girls' high. that's right, it's back and i am already hooked (how predictable). series two of gossip girl, which i have been looking forward to since...forever. okay slight exaggeration, but a long time. as predicted, my darling blair did not dissapoint. how hot was her outfit at the white party? although serena's dress just pipped it to the post, along with the best hairstyle i have ever seen in a gossip girl episode. speaking of serena... eeek! how happy am i that her and dan are back together? very, very- although something tells me the happiness isn't to last. i'm already counting down the days until next week's episode. oh blair waldorf. how easy life would be if i was you... *snaps out of trance*

hello everyone, sorry for that brief interruption! i am beyond absolutly knackered right now, i've reached the point where you're so tired that you feel wired. all thanks to amy and liv for keeping me up until 2 in the morning :D although we did have a good time at aerobics. sadly any hopes for a miraculous increase in my co-ordination were soon quashed so i just sort of bopped around and punched the air whilst liv and amy did complicated moves like 'grapevine' and 'square'. one day i WILL find a sport at which i can excel and become olympic standard. even if it's chess.


i'm so glad it's friday tomorrow, this week has gone by so slowly and really i just need some sleep. i'm planning to do nothing all weekend- my plans to go to a gig tomorrow night have been pretty much scuppered thanks to my never-ending skintness. i'm in the early stages of planning a charity- RSNMNV, the Royal Society (chief patron: The Queen) for the Nurturing of the Materialistic Needs of Victoria. All donations welcome to this very worthy cause, expect tear-inducing adverts on your telly any day now. i really wish i still worked at lush, i was thinking about how much i missed it today. it was the perfect job, selling (and getting to use!) products that i love, making customers feel great and putting smiles on their faces, and working with some really cool people who i actually do miss. i might beg for my job back when summer rolls around, god knows i'm in there badgering them often enough :) if anyone is ever looking for a job, i couldn't recommend working in lush more (the leeds one anyway!). it was the best bloody thing about my summer, i'll tell you that.

listening to mumford and sons right now. i don't know the lead singer's name but his voice is making me slightly emotional, and that is a VERY rare occurence so they must be a bit special. they're playing city screen basement in york 6th feb and i'm going to organise a gathering, or at least try. if no one wants to go, i will go on my own and look all cultured in the crowd. i still haven't forgiven my friends for not wanting to come see glasvegas in castleford last year and look how famous they are now. they will never come to cas vegas again, and i missed my chance! grrr.


okay so i've just watched the first episode of skins, and i'm having very mixed feelings. now i never was one of those "omfrrickinggod why have you got rid of the old cast" people, i was really looking forward to the new cast. and for the most part, i quite like the new cast. naomi (the blonde girl) and emily (the quiet twin) seem very intruiging, i think they're my favourites so far. however, the other twin, katie, cannot act to save her life. i'm sorry but in my opinion that was gcse drama grade C standard, not good enough for a show with a reputation like skins. i'm thinking already that they might do an anwar on her next series-realise she can't act and then cut her out of most of it. effy of course stood out, but to be fair to the other members of the cast, she's had an extra 2 years experience. one thing i didn't like was the amount of 'slapstick' humour. with a few exceptions, series one of skins was very understated when it came to humour with a lot of the characters, i felt this episode was slightly dumbed down. the stresshead teacher is not realistic at all, it's basically taking angie from series one and brechtifying her. however, i'm not going to be all negative- the preview for the rest of the series looks IMMENSE. me and our william were both sat there squealing- william more about seeing effy shag someone to be honest. bless fifteen year olds. he now thinks that all college students spend their time in the corridors taking drugs and having sex in the toilets. i had to tell him that sadly that's untrue, his little face broke my heart.

so, much as i'd like to write something interesting or relevant and prove that i'm not a boring old fart, i'm far too tired to even put my words together properly. bed time for me i think. i hope mr sandman is kind!

victoria x

I ran away
I could not take the burden of both me and you
It was too fast
Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break
When it was a promise I could not make
- from 'hold on to what you believe', mumford and sons, mmmmm yummy.

the demon blogger of main street

oh i am so having nightmares tonight. just watched sweeney todd, courtesy of harri (of harri-hate fame), and i actually can't get the image of alan rickman's slashed throat out of my mind. i've never been much of a blood-and-guts girl, i love a good old riveting ghost story but when it comes to all things gory i have a pretty weak stomach. i admit, i did have to bite a cushion at the first sign of blood... and my mum did run in to ask me why i was wailing... and i now have two broken nails after some very anxious nibbling! but i still managed to sit through what i thought was a very good film.

for a start, helena bonham carter is just wow wow wow. i've been a major fan of hers ever since she played the perfect anne boleyn back in errrm 2002 maybe? she has this rare quality which just makes me magnatised to her everytime she's on screen, and she had the whole victorian gothic chic thing down to perfection. i liked the complexity of her character as well- unlike sweeney, mrs lovett actually seemed to be wrestling with her conscience which was very interesting to watch. alan rickman as well, what a cracker. i know that he is given the part of the token villian in nearly every film (except sense and sensibility where he played one of my favourite austen heroines, colonel brandon) but damn it it's not surprising when he's got that smouldering sneering voice going on. i actually hate with a passion every character that he plays, in the best possible way. timothy spall was pretty good as well, although his face just makes me LOL. i know that's a bit harsh but it's something about the teeth... he reminds me of a rat.
johnny depp was good also, although to say it was 'his' film, he didn't stand out to me that much. i think sometimes he has a bit of a tendency to over-act things, i don't identify with his characters as much. i also felt that sweeney's character was a little one dimensional in itself. i have to say though, in johnny's favour, the final scene in the bake-house was AMAZING, the way he swung from mood to mood, calmness to hysteria, and then just broke down over a batch of bloody bodies. riveting stuff.

i'm becoming a little bit obsessed with lovely cinematography after watching a very long engagement, and this didn't disappoint. i loved the blue tint on everything, making the whole film seem slightly surreal (i actually didn't know it's based on a true story!)- i also loved the fact that even as mrs lovett daydreamt about her and sweeney's future her and sweeney were still portrayed as greying compared to the rest of the scene, i think it showed their inner corruptness. the songs were brilliant as well, my favourite being the gentle 'joanna' as sweeney cut everyone's throats, the irony did make me chuckle. oh dear i'm not too great with being clever about cinema! but i think i'd say ****. wasn't my favourite tim burton (nightmare before christmas please! although everyone HAS to say that) but it beat some- corpse bride i'm talking to you.

speaking of tim burton, mega eek excited about his alice which is coming out sometime later this year i think. i'm determined to go down to oxford where all the alice shops are and where lewis carroll met alice liddell. i might also have a look at the uni and remind myself of where i could have been aiming for, had i tried a bit harder in my gcses. oh i shouldn't be so pedantic about these things, i was never going to get more than a B in maths anyway so... i'm going to stop thinking about uni now because stressing already about what to write on my personal statement is doing my head in.

aerobics with the bland and liv tomorrow, how exciting, can't wait to don me trackies, it's been a while since i did any excersize and frankly i'm puzzled as to how i've still not managed to end up on one of those "half ton girl" documentaries, one of these days my metabolism is going to fail and i will wake up 50 stone. i look forward to it, it will give me an excuse to stay in bed and not move all day. and the fashionista in me is also singing out for joy as GOSSIP GIRL SERIES TWO STARTS TOMORROW. i repeat GOSSIP GIRL, possible the most fash-gasmic programme out there. oh jenny humphery, how i wish i was you with your cute little hair bands and coloured tights. i think i might actually cry with happiness when it starts, i've had to survive with just the series one boxset since september and it's been a long long wait!

anyway it's a bit of a disjointed blog again but i'm tired and my fingers are hurting from typing so much and biting my nails! so until next time :)
victoria x

reports of my demise are greatly exaggerated.

i finally feel well enough to write a blog, although still not 100%. my nose is smeared in vaseline to stop it drying and flaking up, ick ick. but at least i'm sneezing once every 30 seconds so hopefully i'm well on the way to blissful post-cold recovery!

this weekend has been lovely and uneventful, just the way i like it. i took the promised day off on friday to recuperate, and ended up in my duvet in the living room watching winnie the pooh. it was just like being a five year old off poorly with a tummy ache and the adventures of owl and eeyore and pooh cheered me up no end. i'd forgotten how much i used to worship that bloody bear, i could still remember all the songs. disney films were SO much better pre 1990. okay, they had the whole lion king/beauty and the beast renaissance, but you can't compare to snow white/sleeping beauty etc. i remember when i used to literally think i WAS snow white waiting for my prince. that girl was my first hero. i still get goosebumps when i hear old disney songs, they remind me of a simpler time when it didn't matter who was pulling who and hangovers didn't exist, and the most taxing thing on my mind was whether to do some colouring or play in the sandpit.

friday night was immense as well, i met up with becky and we went to see slumdog millionaire. i cannot recommend this film enough to anyone who is reading this. the acting was out of this world, especially by the slum kids who play the younger version of anwar's character (sorry dev patel, you will always be anwar to me). it was a really poignant piece of cinema, one which made me laugh and cry (well nearly) and most importantly, think. it was one of those films which sticks in your memory for ages after, i'm still thinking about it now. dev patel was actually semi-impressive as well, from being a very weak actor in skins he has developed his skills. i still think calls for him to get best actor at the oscars are ridiculous but maybe in a few years time hey?

carried on the disney theme on saturday by watching mary poppins, which again i'd forgotten how much i love. i love the idealized view of london it represents, and it's just so magical and twee. mary is so becoming my new style icon, i need a parrot umbrella as a matter of urgency. julie andrews is just perfect, i watched some of the princess diaries on youtube so i could carry on my hero worship of her. what a legend. mary poppins pisses over maria, i don't know her surname, but the one from the sound of music. i mean if i could choose to have a nanny who could either a) jump into pictures and make them real, fly and tidy up rooms at a click of her finger or b) play edelweiss on guitar, i know which one i'd pick.

and then today i saw ryan, francesca and olivia lewis in good old leeds. i love the fact that no matter how long i stay away from the wakefield lot, when i'm back with them it's like we've never been apart. i also like how they don't know me as the "posh" one so i can be as disgustingly uncouth as i like in front of them. full on ran into ryan's arms in the train station, what a romantic moment. i swear one day me and that boy are going to have beautiful child, bahaha. no, he fills the "best male friend" role in my life very nicely and is still the only boy my own age i can trust will never hurt me. if you're reading this stones, evington and lewis, as you should be because i told you YOU ARE MY TARGET AUDIENCE, i love you i do. let's all see eachother soon.

ryan and fran got me thinking in nando's. we were talking about love lives and they said "what's going on with you then vicky?" (still find it hard to get used to people calling me vicky when i'm so used to victoria at college!) and as a joke i said "oh i'm having a full on romance" and they both started pissing themselves, like the idea of me having a relationship is hilarious. which to be fair it is. i've been single (not counting 1 week fling type things) for over two years now which does sound a bit ridiculous, but honestly i just can't find anybody to interest me enough for a relationship or if i can there's some factor that stops me from going for it- normally they're taken/emotionally unavailable/not interested in a 5"2 idiot who looks like topshop vommed on her. i've never been desperate though, i'm a firm believer that 'good things come to those who wait' and the reason why i'm so lacking on the romance front is that the right person simply hasn't come along yet, or if they have, i just can't see it. i'm quite irritating when it comes to men, i'll lust after a guy for ages and then the minute they're interested i'm turned off. last year for instance, i had a big thing for this boy in my friendship group at school who i was really close to. i watched in exasperation as he worked his way through all the girls we were friends with until finally it was my turn. and when it came down to getting it on with him, it was just like going through the motions, i didn't really feel anything except for "i might as well be kissing him, i've wanted it for so long". and after that one night where we were more than friends, we just reverted back to being good mates again, no awkwardness, no nothing. i'm good at being friends with boys, it's just a shame that i can never bring myself to be more. it's a shyness thing more than anything (yes i know, me, shy?!) but when i like someone, they never know about it, because i'm so scared of that feeling called rejection which over the past couple of years i've got to know all too well.

anyway i'm going to stop being all 'woe-is-me' about such silly matters. i might just turn lesbian. haha memories of being come on to by a really butch young woman in tenerife. bless. maybe it's because of fran's resemblance to katy perry? hmm, at least there's life in this old dog yet, i'm still attracting the lesbians!

and on that note, i've decided to go out on the town and get some lesbian action. expect me in college tomorrow with a crew cut and an eyebrow piercing with "cindy" tattooed on my arm. oh my gosh, my brother is playing sean paul's temperature in his room, forgotten how obsessed i was with that song circa 2005. time to groooove.

a bientot, you-can-call-me-victor x

manflu is unisex you know.

urghhhh i am so, so, ill. like on my deathbed, written out my will and been administred the last rites ill. okay so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, i haven't yet been given the last rites. the priest is on his way though. i HATE colds, i know they're only supposed to be a minor little ailment but they make you feel so poxy and crappy when you have one. i'm having to cancel my babysitting tonight (my current only source of income) because i don't want to pass on my disgusting germs to the kids. looks like a night on the sofa with my duvet and gavin and stacey boxset is on the cards. i might take tomorrow off college as well, i'm determined not to miss my outing tomorrow night with bee so i'll need my rest and recuperation!

it seemed a bit pointless going into college today, i only had one lesson- english lit, which was completly ruined. this awful boy was sat next to me and he smelt skeggy, although skeggy is NOT a word. and then he had the cheek to say i stank of perfume and then he called my face grotesque. it ruined my whole day i tell you, and now my self confidence is at an all time low. i don't want to name any names so i will use a code, h*rr*. i hope he's not reading this, i don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that his snide little comments have really got to me, sob sob sob. (bahahaha, hope you like your mention, as promised :), the first instalment of 'harri-hate'- my new regular feature!)

so then when juliette didn't turn up to theatre i gave up and decided to just go home. my bus ride was actually peaceful. there's something about listening to the beatles on winding country lanes through villages. it calmed me and my coughing throat down until i arrived at my grandmas and she gave me some special honey drink. which was ick to be honest but i gulped it down because it might help fight my illness. i doubt it though, i can feel life ebbing out of me every second.

found out today i've been selected for the sixties fashion show, this surprised and pleased me greatly. i only auditioned on a whim and because my friend ben is on the course, and i'm certainly not what i'd call model-like, but i'll give it my all. i love sixties fashion (i hope i'm allowed to be a mod or beatnik!) and music so it should be really fun times :D. the show's on the 26th february and i hope lots of people come watch it- the highlight will be seeing jamie in a lycra catsuit, muahaha.

today i was also thinking about the sims 2. now this is a weird thing to think about, i grant you, but does anyone remember when you used to make characters and you had to pick an aspiration for them? like money, love, all that kind of thing. i used to love making character versions of myself and i'd always give them the aspiration 'family'. i've always been the old fashioned 2.4 children, 1 husband and a dog kind of girl. however i realized today that my actual aspiration in life is the 'knowledge' option. i want to know EVERYTHING, i want to know everybody's gossip, i want to know the endings to every book on every shelf, i want to know what all those scientific theories really mean, i want to speak oodles of languages, i want to know the story behind every face that i see. i think the reason why i have this natural thirst for knowledge is my wonderful dad (who has this minute come into the house blasting about 'how fucking untidy it is in this cess-pit') insisting that instead of having a couch potato child, i'd be given books. i could read competently, as well as i can read now, by the age of six and a half, something my parents have always bursted with pride about. i think that's why i've always wanted to teach as well- wanting to know so much gives me a desire to impart any knowledge i might gain onto others. oh i am a pretentious twit.

wish it was summer. winter seems to be all doom and gloom after christmas, i miss light evenings and days without sub-zero temperatures. only a few months to go though, and it is getting a little bit warmer, i went out without a coat yesterday and didn't immediatly get frostbite so its a start!

anyway this cold is making me feel boring and unstimulated so i'm going to leave my rambling thoughts. i must warn you this may be my last ever blog as i feel the grim reaper hovering over me. please play the macarena at my funeral. see you all in hell.*

a bientot, victoria x

* disclaimer- i'm sure you're all actually going to heaven to be little cherubs.

hello pizzaface

ZITS. ARE. EVIL. here i am, complacently peaches and cream when suddenly my whole life comes crashing down as i look in the mirror and see one of those beasts on my forehead, raw red, shiny, just popped up to say hello to the world and make a nuisance of itself. time to dig out the old witch hazel. this is what you get, victoria, for not sticking to a decent skincare routine. i'm ditching the cleansing wipes in favour of some lovely sensitive skin lush cleanser. my skin is certainly feeling sensitive now :(

so today, certainly nothing out of the ordinary (not that my days ever really are!). i really like my outfit today, normally i am my biggest fashion critic but i think my peach topshop dominoes vest+grey anchor cardigan+leggings+pearls+black lace ups are totally channelling 80s dancer chic. not too bad considering i didn't get up until ten past seven and had to leg it for the bus, adam following me closely (anyone from the monk fryston/hillam area will know how traumatic this can be.). it's flipping cold out, but there's something lovely about being tucked up into my duvet knowing that other poor souls are freezing outside. is that too sadistic? i can't be "too nice" all the time! (if someone told me a year ago people would be describing me as "too nice" i would literally LOL in their face. i guess college really has changed me. i actually look back in utter shame at some of things i used to do... but i guess that's a story for another day.)

got the ball rolling for my travelling plan as well last night. i've decided to go on french work experience with acorn educational in the summer. this means i'll be jetting away for a week with a group of students from all over the country, to an as yet unknown city in france to do work experience. the whole prospect is a little bit daunting, but beyond exciting as well. if i go through with it (and i'm determined to!) it'll be the most independant, challenging thing i've ever done. but i feel like i need these experiences. in just over a year and a half i'll be at university in some far flung corner of the country, and i can't live in my mum and dad's pockets forever.

just been browsing postsecret, i'd forgotten about it in my little "no internet" blip, it was good to catch up. one secret really struck a chord with me, it said "i don't have the time to read all the books i think i should to make me a better person". now my close friends know about my literary troubles at the moment, i feel really stupid for not being able to understand the classics and even worse for not enjoying them. i think i have to bear in mind i'm only seventeen and i'm trying to read books that even academics find challenging. i read about three pages of madame bovary last night before falling asleep, it just couldn't hold my attention, but i REALLY want to finish it. i'd hate to have to say i gave up the "second most perfect book in existance" because i found it boring. maybe i'm destined to read trashy danielle steele for the rest of my life and write a six hundred page stonking bonkbuster. i wish i was as intelligent and sure of myself as everyone else thinks i seem to be. i realized last night how crap i am at french as well, my friend lloyd told me we should talk in french to help us with our exams (i'm AS, he's A2) and he was just so much better than me and i was making these stupid, crappy year 9 mistakes, urgh. i wish i had just one talent, one thing i could show off to the world and say "hey! i can do this! look at me!". instead i resort to my loudness and reasonable amount of wit to see me through with people. i'm scared that one day i'll be exposed as this big fake. who knew that gustave flaubert and his stupid, too difficult book, could make me feel this way?!

reading a couple of sylvia plath poems in the library today calmed me down though. i've decided i'm going to buy my own copy of ariel so i can scribble my ideas all over it. her poetry is so accessible to me, i love it, even though it is dark and gloomy and slit-yer-wrists depressing. i read w h auden's funeral blues last night as well, it seemed familiar and then i remembered four weddings and a funeral. but anyway the poem almost made me cry. you should look it up.

fajitas for tea, mmmm. as i said to amy, i could eat mexican for tea every night. nachos mmm. SALSA DIP MMMMM. being a greedy little shite is such fun. i'd hate to deprive myself of my favourites. sure i might have a little belly instead of the flat one i've secretly always lusted after, but its a small price to pay for foody goodness.. mmm. food. oh god. i am homer simpson.

so i'm determined to make 2009 a good year for finding music, as i got a bit lazy with this in 2008. i've started my campaign well, so this is a heads up for everyone to check out alessi's ark on myspace, and los campesinos!'s new album 'we are beautiful, we are doomed' which is a work of total indie purity. alessi's ark has the potential to become the new jose vanders in my heart, she's very marling-esque and just very pretty really. so give them a listen and let me know what you think. also fallen a bit in love with the cure thanks to gracie posting some lyrics on her blog. limewire is a good boy to me.

so i can smell my fajitas sizzling, i'll leave you all (yes, all three of you) to enjoy whatever you're having for tea. please don't be fish and chips. or i'd be a very jealous girl.

a bientot, victoria x

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

tales from the secret annexe

i want to go on living, even after my death- anne frank.

yet another wet day.

i quite like rain, it beats the other forms of precipitation (hail, snow, eurgh) and it PWNS over wind. i swear, god created wind to piss people who spend meticulous hours on their hair, like me, off. but rain's pretty inoffensive, in fact i'd go as far to say it's pretty romantic. i've been kissed in the rain and it is quite lovely, although not half as lovely as the films would tell you.

so, according to mother, we finally have home internet (albeit a crappy connection) thanks to a mysterious object called a "dongle". i'm going to give it a try tonight, hopefully it'll be enough to get me onto facebook/blogger/other websites i peruse that i don't want people knowing about because it would damage my reputation (perezhiltoncoughcough). until then it's back to library on one at college, waiting for history to start. there's something wrong with me at the moment because i'm just not connecting with history at all. i think it's because i'm not paticularly motivated by the characters we're studying at the moment. henry vii just doesn't do it for me (unlike his altogether more interesting son). to tell you the truth, i'm much more of a feminist historia. give me joan of arc, katherine swynford or marie antoinette any day of the week and i can relate to and understand the history a lot more. hopefully things will pick up soon- in general i love history and i love zoe, my tutor. i guess i just need to find my own view on what i'm learning about.

so, le weekend. friday night was a bit of a downer. last episode of anne frank was on. it's amazing how anne's story, no matter how many times i read/watch it, has the ability to move me like almost no other. by the end of it i was weeping my little eyes out. what i loved about this adaptation was that it didn't show anne as a martyr. despite her being one of my personal heroines, i can see how easily people must have been pissed off with her in the annexe. dussel and margot were portrayed in a much more sympathetic light, which i really appreciated. i also liked the fact that peter wasn't presented as some kind of tragic romantic hero, he was presented as the often infuriatingly cloudy boy he is in the diary. lesley sharpe was inspired as petronella van daan, at first i didn't like the casting at all, but again she threw a sympathetic and understandable light on a character who is so maligned in anne's diary. i hope the programme helped raise awareness for anne's story for people my own age who don't know it. my own brother asked me who anne frank was, and i think it is important that she and her diary are never forgotten and serve as a constant reminder of the holocaust. anti-semetic jokes are rife these days, but personally i will not use the word "jew" as an insult, however much in jest, EVER. it's the first dangerous step to a repeat of the atrocities comitted just sixty years ago.

i went sales shopping yesterday, it was reasonably sucessful. i purchased a fred-perry-alike tennis dress and a illustratedpeople cardigan, both from topshop, and some cute little ballet flats from primark, so i came home a happy girl, even happier to watch the hilarious (and somehow quite sexy...) james corden present the sunday night project. giggles all around.

oh, this is a cry for help- if anyone knows of ANY job or work going in my area (selby-leeds-york), PLEASE let me know. i now have approximatly £7 to my name and when that's gone... it's gone. so please help me earn my keep before i get turfed out onto the streets and have to start selling myself :) none of us would want that!

wrote a very short story on saturday night, it's called "the looking glass". it's pretty shitty as all my original writing has been recently, but once again i'm getting back into the swing of things. i'll try to post tonight if i can get the dongle working. it's not an "erotic novel" i'll leave those to a woman we all know and love ;). i also want to tweak 'no internet' for posting, it's not quite ready yet but if i've got a spare half an hour tonight, i'll have a look.

aaah so i'm now sat at home on the dongle. that sounds very wrong, oh well, imagine what you will. how sickening. but yes, i had a right big brother moment whilst typing out this beast earlier, a little pop-up came up on my screen saying "this is not college work, please turn it off". the librarians scare me, i'm sorry to say, they really do. i read a bit of our english lit anthology on the way home. i hope for our other poetry unit we do auden, i gave him a quick deek and his poems seemed a lot more interesting and relevant than the other poets. hmm we will see, i have faith in bridget to pick us someone decent!

anyway, this has been a pretty long blog so i'll leave it now. poem and/or short story to come later in the evening hopefully. ooh whilst i remember as well, anyone from the girls' high/qegs (who i'm friends with, i'm well aware that most of the pathetic boys at that institution aren't my biggest fans) who fancies a meet up this weekend, give me a buzz on my mobile or facebook :).

a bientot, victoria x

my mind feels like a big squashy lump today.

baaah i wish i could post a picture to make this blog look a bit more interesting, however all my best photographs are on the laptop. at home. still without internet connection, urgh. i'm finding it harder than i thought i would, which is really pathetic i know. but i'm used to my home comforts and it's hard to fill my gappy evenings up without eating shitloads and watching friends re-runs again and again and again, there's only so much time you can hear ross say "we were on a break" without it feeling, well... a bit old.
so last night in a effort to do at least something productive, i wrote a poem. i'm glad because it's the first one i've written since...ermm... august? i think, and although it's not my best one (writer's block is still my favourite), i'm using the excuse that i need to get back in the swing of things before producing an opus! the new poem is called no internet (yes i know, original) and it started as a lament to how bored i was and ended up meandering about the passing of time. if (fingers crossed) my lovely mother has restored the wi-fi to its full glory at home i'll post it up, crappy as it is, and i guess you can judge for yourself.
finally finished my english coursework, it actually wasn't as hard or tedious as i expected. in fact i found the further i got with it, the more i have to say on the subject and it was quite hard to distill it to the word count. king lear is an immense play, i love everything of the bard's that i've read- but i'm glad to have moved onto something different now. madame bovary is picking up as well, now that emma bovary has stopped moping and actually started shagging people i'm finding the whole affair a bit more interesting.
first driving lesson tomorrow. i should be more nervous about this, i've never been the most...co-ordinated of people... and it'll be a miracle if me, the car, and the instructor come away unscathed. however i suppose it has to be done, i can't go catching the 403 forever, espcially as the timetable is becoming increasingly shite.
i'm suffering from a lack of creative inspiration today, apologies for how blabbery i am, i guess i can't be pretentiously intellectual all the time ;)
shopping on sunday as well, i want to get one of those oversized holey jumpers fearne cotton has. in my opinion that girl cannot put a foot wrong fashion wise. alexa is beginning to grate on me a little bit, she seems a bit stuck up and very aware of her hotness, but fearne is a girls' girl with a very accessible way of dressing. her and diana vickers were definitly my fashion crushes of 2008, with michelle williams shaping up to take over in 2009. post-heath michelle is an absolute fashion fox, her look is so undone. i love it.
okay so it's 4:15. it's about time to go i think, weekend awaits :D. have a good one, hopefully will post up soon when i'm feeling a bit less stupid than i am now.
a bientot, victoria x