when life hands you a lemon...

make lemonade ;)
okay, so suffice to say, summer really hasn't got off to the best possible start this year for me. however, being an eternal optimist (and not to mention, a very strong person, when i need to be) i've managing to find the silver linings to the blackest cloud i have had for a while. everything happens for a reason, as one door closes, another opens, yadda yadda yadda. suffice to say, it's not been the best week of my existance, or one that i'll look back on with happiness. however, i really do think these kind of experiences are the ones that build you into a much stronger person. life really is too short to live with regrets, and in the past four months i really have had none :) and i know i will always look back on that short period of my life and smile.

enough of the emo angst (god knows i've had enough of it!), now for the fun stuff. and despite everything, there has been a lot of fun stuff. last night we did the now traditional 'getting hammered in york' shebang. which involved us being kicked out of two places (dusk and pitcher and piano) and having to sneak round the back of the other two (lowther and vodka revs.) oh the joys of being a non-ID-carrying seventeen year old. i literally cannot wait for my birthday. only two months to go now, and i still haven't decided on if i'm even going to bother having a party. although i really think i should. i just need to think of a decent venue. my dad wants to hire out the bluebell in the village (aka, local drinking establishment of fourteen year olds, aka the place where without fail i am accosted by old men/friends of my dad/men who think rubbing stuffed deers on my leg is the way to my heart). naturally i have veto'd this idea entirely. i'm thinking of a classy do somewhere, but i have no idea where. then there is the whole guestlist/what shall i wear?/where should everyone stay? kerfuffle. too much for my head to deal with right now, or i might actually explode.

the whole turning eighteen thing makes me think a lot about the end of childhood, to be fair. whilst i don't expect to wake up on september 26th and feel like a different person, in a way, i really feel like i have grown up more over the past year. it's been a whirlwind actually, and i still can't believe that this time last year, i didn't know the amazing people that i do now. not returning to the girls' high in september was the best decision i've ever made really, instead of being the pretentious almost-rah that i was threatening to come, i feel like i've become someone who, if not always likeable, at least bearable ;). i still make stupid decisions and i still have days where i wake up and look in the mirror and think urrrrgh, but on the whole i'm a much more balanced and confident person. and it really is the people who've walked into my life this year who have enabled that, so if any of you arseholes has stopped smoking/drinking yourselves into oblivion long enough to read this, then thank you :)

but yes, i've decided i'm going to compile a list of my eighteen favourite memories from childhood, a little bit closer to my birthday. something tells me most of them will involve me doings things i really shouldn't have done (memories of throwing up all over pete cronin in wetherspoons etc...), but on the whole, i've been a pretty good girl methinks.

right, enough of my semi-philosophical ramblings. i need to go straighten my hair. the mushroom is in bad shape right now.

victoria x

god's moving about his furniture.

friday night and for the first time this year i think, we have a thunderstorm. this makes me very happy, i love nasty weather when i'm all snug as bug in my tattiest h&m jumper. everyone seems to be doing something tonight, the friends are watching a sketch show in town, the boyfriend is gallivanting about the harry potter film set and rubbing shoulders with the stars, even my parents are out on the lash somewhere. the only company i have is the dog, but actually it's nice to get some 'me-time'. i've been so busy and stressed what with exams and everything that it makes a real change to be able to have the luxury of sitting and writing about myself for quarter of an hour as etta james serenades me. aaaaah.
so, i've got AS theatre studies under my belt now, finally. what grade at remains to be seen i suppose, but at least it's done and dusted. i'd like to say no harm done, but unfortunatly my lovely friend shuna managed to stab her foot with a pitchfork in our performance. blood everywhere. my infamous vom nearly made an appearence actually, but the show must go on i suppose. i didn't really enjoy the play we performed actually- i found it rather boring, both to act and to watch. the gestus didn't really come through, which was a disappointment, but to be honest i'm just relieved that it's over and i never have to think about 'fear and misery in the third reich' ever again.
i feel like i should do something constructive. the urge to write a poem is getting stronger, which is good. i've not written anything decent in ages, the last one was a shitty ditty about how happy my friends and random walks into york make me. but it had no substance or real emotion to it and it felt as if i was making up random imagery for the sake of it. i genuinely don't think i've ever been happier than i am now- i have the best friends possible, i'm with someone amazing and it's nearly summer. however all this happiness does not make for good poetry it seems! maybe i can only write about depressing things. all my best poems have been written in times of turmoil, however right now i'm about as far from depression as possible (touch wood). i won't complain too much, if it's a choice between happiness and creative genius then i'll pick a day with harri in museum gardens followed by a night on the lash with the fold any day of the week, thank you very much.
so i feel like i've written enough for now, i'm gently weaning myself back into the world of blogging ;). nanight boys and girls- the ones who are still reading this! :)
x
ps there's no food in the house- tea tonight for me has been a cucumber.

there is a light and it never goes out

blog neglect alert. i am a bad boy. real life is again catching up with me, and added to this i've been suffering from copious writer's block. so the online ramblings have been taking a back seat recently, however, i think it's time i made a return.

so yeah times have been lovely and shiny and happy these past few weeks. it's a combination of a lot of things- the nice weather always perks me up, and i've realized recently how lucky i am to have the friends i do (and i have to say, the new facebook relationship status is making me grin a fair bit as well ;) ). i feel like i've found a group of people i can trust a million percent, and i love it. unfortunatly, newfound strong friendships can put a strain on those which have been around for a lot longer. sometimes, it feels like the bonds fade from not seeing eachother enough, and it's easy for paranoia to set in. harsh words are a lot more easily exchanged over msn or on the phone than they are face-to-face and there's been times where i've felt like i've come close to losing three of the most important people to me altogether. i hope all three of them- they know who they are- know how much i still adore them, even if i can't show it as often as i'd like to.

god this is bad, i'm actually running out of things to say already. ummmm. have i read anything new? no. not really. have i listened to any good music? ooh. fleet foxes are a bit yummy and relaxing. and i like peter d's new album as well. although not as much as the libertines. but that's par for the course. i still wish they were headlining leeds fest, although i'm pleased with the headliners. arctic monkeys=love actually, although i think that's the same with any remotely 'indie' (SORRY FOR USING THAT WORD, PLEASE BURN ME AT THE STAKE) person. i saw last shadow puppets last year and they kicked absolute arse, so i know the monkeys won't disappoint, and we'll all be looking good on the dancefloor (see what i did there?). radiohead are a band i've never really listened to, so i'm going to try to get into them. i know of their complete legendary status so i'm confident i'll like them. and kings of leon are the sexiest band known to man, so that'll be good larks. i'm actually looking forward to it so much already. i know everyone's like 'it's at the end of august!' but last year it rolled around so quickly, i know we'll be sat outside our tents getting drunk on cheap cider in no time. BOLLLLLLLLOCKS!

hair dying time. imma going for my normal auburn shade, so nothing exciting. just about as exciting as this blog. sorry guys. i am a thick shit with nothing to say. oh my god that reminds me of one of my emo diary entries circa 2005 'i am an empty shell who does not deserve a name'. oh viki, you were a troubled soul.

queen of the geordies

okay guys, time to come clean. i've been suffering with hairy feet for some time now and with the support of those nearest and dearest to me i've been able to confront my insecurites and display my tootsies with pride. the hair is here to stay, i think it just adds to my already ravishing beauty...

the past few days have been a lot better and considerably more stress-free, thank goodness. even though work is still burning on my mind, i'm learning to accept the fact that i might not receive the four As that i always assumed were guarenteed. i'm hoping i do my very best, i know that by the end of my gcses i had completley run out of steam and didn't perform as well as i could/should have. however i have genuine motivation to keep me going- the prospect of newcastle for which i will need at the very least AAB will hopefully make sure that i get my arse in gear and work. saying that, right now i should be preparing for my mock french oral tomorrow and i'm not, so... :/. however, it's hard to be totally stressed out when for once, everything else in life seems to be going just absolutley right and i've been all smiley, for various reasons.

one of those reasons is that today finally felt like the first day of spring. now i think that england is the most beautiful place in the world throughout all the seasons- each one has something to offer, even winter when everything is cold and dead. but spring is really special, everything feels so alive and new, fresh beginnings and all that. today the sun was shining, the daffodils were out in full force and we sat on the lawn outside college and had a very mini picnic and i just thought, this is the life! i hope the good weather continues, i'm not a 'cold wrap up warm' person at all, i can't wait for the long lazy summer.

oxbridge conference yesterday up in newcastle. becca drove me there and back, and at first i was slightly nervous as i didn't know her well at all, however we totally hit it off straight away and had a brilliant road trip, involving mcdonalds and cheesy music and getting lost around newcastle trying to find a piercing studio. i'm seriously considering getting a nose stud, but i'm terrified i'll look all common, i might do a little survey tomorrow to find out what people think of them haha. i watched becca get her industrial done, and i have to say, just looking at a needle made me feel slightly ill. however, one has to suffer in the name of fashion i suppose. it's funny how i travelled all the way to newcastle for an oxbridge conference and ended up falling in love with the city itself. it seemed so cosmopolitan and the people so friendly, whereas the students and tutors from oxbridge seemed almost cold and clinicial. i know i can't be happy in a place where work will always, always come first and for that reason i've decided oxbridge definitly isn't for me and i'm not going to waste a UCAS place applying. (not that i'd get in anyway). the parents are thrilled by this decision, espcially my 'inverted snob' dad who hates jack wills/ugg culture almost as much as i do. i think they'd already guessed that i would decide that oxbridge wasn't for me, and they want me to stay close to home. hopefully if i can get in somewhere like newcastle, it'll be the best of both worlds.

anyway i'm rather tired and i really should prepare for the french oral tomorrow and try to get just a little bit of sleep- i'm running low on slumber time at the moment- so i will bid adieu. 'parting is such sweet sorrow' as darling chris would say.

victoria x

"mr bennett, you have no compassion for my poor nerves!"

so yes, stress. over the past few days/weeks/whatever, i've been suffering with that particular problem. now don't get me wrong, it's not a depressing kind of stress, more the kind that makes you want to punch something and go 'AAAAAARGH'. i'm not usually prone to tears at all but i had a bit of a crying fit with mother-dearest the other night because i have to let out all this stressful angry energy sometimes.

what is the reason for this newfound stresshead? i really just don't know, it isn't like me at all to be overly paranoid and cross and basically 'rawwwwwwwwwh!'. a lot of it is down to work, it's just hit me recently that i have big bad exams in what, eight weeks? or something equally ridiculous, and i know nothing. the only subject i am confident of passing with a really good mark is le francais, six months of slacking off in english lit and not even trying to comprehend history has done me no favours, i fear. don't get me started on theatre- six weeks to pull together an entire show is an extremely daunting prospect and if we fail miserably i'm going to be very bitter. however, i have great confidence in my fellow thespians that we will do ourselves proud. i've decided that as of now i am blowing my stresses away on a cloud. it's time for me to remember that the world isn't going to end if things go slightly pear-shaped, and that i can use my inner genius to pass all my exams with flying colours and get a full scholarship to oxbridge and become a nobel peace prize winner and marry stephen fry. that'd be fun.

wednesday nights are pretty much my favourite thing in the whole world right now, waterloo road/gossip girl fest, oh yes. i shall be quite desolate when the series finish. i'm paticularly enjoying waterloo road right now, maxine's death, cry cry. i knew it was coming, but still *weeps*. and then after my tv fest i'm going to read some more anna karenina, which i'm totally hearting so far, it's like pride and prej but russian which makes it all exotic and wow. i wish i was a russian princess like kitty. princess victoriana finyani. i think my natural regal grace is going to waste sometimes, i was obv born to sit on a throne.

speaking of thrones, i saw the young victoria on saturday. i loved it, it was historically accurate, gorgeous costumes, emily blunt and rupert friend had amazing onscreen chemistry so it basically ticked all the 'perfect period drama' boxes. i've actually never been a big 'victorian' person, but i've been doing a bit of background reading since watching the film and i'm finding all quite interesting. they may take over the tudors as my reigning historical obsession, god knows i'm sick to bloody death of cardinal wolsey and his crappy little treaty of london. i am going to fail history and it makes me sad. such is life.

lent is also going well, it is almost three weeks since i touched the demon drop and i feel like a much healthier, cleaner person- almost a new me, you could say. well okay, that's a lie, but i do like the fact that i'm doing something actually challenging and i'm determined to stick it out. alcohol plays a big part in nearly every social event i find myself at, and it's strange to be saying 'no thank you' instead of 'yes please!' but at least i'm not making a tit of myself all the time. well no, i still am making a tit of myself all the time, but at least i can remember it. whether this is better or worse remains to be seen!

anyway i can almost hear the chimes of waterloo road beginning so i shall love you and leave you. i feel calmer for writing my stresses down actually, it's a good job, because i was getting so stressed i was almost at the point of explosion. and whilst seeing me spotaneously combust would probably be very amusing, it could be slightly painful. for me anyway.

vic x

i return- fanfares please.

hello hello, to anyone who has been checking this blog every single hour in need of a new post (in which case please leave your name and address, a restraining order may be needed), i am very sorry! for once, real life (which means oodles of college work and knackeredness) has caught up on me and prevented me from posting. however it's friday night and i've found myself with nothing to do, so i thought an update was in order!

this week has been overly dramatic, it's like everything has been humdrum for the past few weeks and now it's all exploded. some of it is very good, some of it is bad. by nature, i'm not an argumentative or confrontational person- it takes a lot to ruffle my feathers and i hate any kind of falling out. so yesterday was pretty hard for me, having a massive argument with one of my closest friends. however, friendships are a bit like marriages, you have to work, and it's all 'give and take'. the particular girl in question i've been bezzers with for nearly six months now and we've never had any kind of major argument, so perhaps a bit of air clearing was needed? in any case things are fine now and i'm back to my normal chirpy self!

just watched last night's episode of skins and i think that it's one of the best in the series so far- JJ instantly became the most likeable and real character in the programme and the only one i can universally sympathise with (except pandora, who IS me). i thought the debussy music was inspired as well, it juxtaposed so well with the action scenes like cook and JJ running from the police. i don't know, i was really sceptical about this series of skins at first, and i still have to say series one is my all time favourite- but i don't agree at all with the massive backlash against this series. it's not the same programme- there have been fundamental changes, but in a lot of cases i think this is for the better and i can't wait to see how the rest of the series pans out :)

tomorrow will hopefully be fun. i'm seeing my own ron and hermione (also known as ryan and francesca) in leeds for shopping and cinema and general reunion times. it's weird how even just a couple of weeks after seeing them i feel as if i've lost a limb. i shall jump on them both tomorrow and we'll go to mcdonald's, because we're scaffs and it's the only place cheap enough. plus i want to save my money because i believe it's high time i bought a new going out dress. there's actually a nice one in primarni, £13, yer can't go wrong! i had to donate my last fiver to richard today, after losing our 'who will pass their driving test first' bet. the only silver lining is that he's agreed to drive me into college on thursdays, so i now get a second lie in every week! good, i've been needing more and more zzzzzzs recently.

yummy, i'm listening to travis, i'd forgotten how much i loved them albeit in a rather cringey way. spotify is my new best friend, if you don't have it, you should totes download it. it has every single album you can imagine on it so i'm rediscovering some right gems :) i'm thinking billie piper next? oh dear did i just say that out loud...

anyway i'm taking my leave as i have stuff to do, people to see, deals to make, you know, it's a busy life mine! bahaha. oh gosh driving tomorrow. last lesson wasn't my finest hour, making the instructor scream as i nearly cavorted into some old woman's car is quite funny looking back... however i really don't believe i'm supposed to be on the roads. i might stick to public transport and rely on my increasing number of driving friends to ferry me about :) thanks guys!

nanight, victoria x

tonight make me unstoppable

i am beyond tired right now. you know when it gets to that stage when you're so tired that you can't even think about sleeping, and everything is just a blur? i actually feel semi-drunk with pure knackeredness. although that could also partially be down to the fact that i've been semi-drunk for pretty much all half term. my unit consumption must be getting in the hundreds, bleurrrgh. so i've decided to give up my one and only true vice for lent in the hope that for forty days i'll have a brighter complexion and won't wake up every saturday morning thinking "what the fuck happened last night?!"

half term has been pretty lovely though, i've kept myself busy every day with trips to leeds/york, lots of work and the like. and then i've had numerous gatherings/pub outings on the nights so it hasn't really been wasted. my proudest acheivement was actually managing to steer the car yesterday, i was beyond proud. i'm thinking i might actually pass my test this decade (im not exaggerating there) and then i'll be able to zoom all over the place and be free as a bird.

blog plug here, my english lit partner-in-crime harri has FINALLY started his blog, its www.thedeaddove.blogspot.com, he's a funny guy, check it out :D. i love how many people i've converted to the blogging way of life, you could almost say i'm like a blogging jesus although that might be taking it slightly too far...

so yeah i'm so so tired i actually can't think straight and everything i'm writing is complete shit (not that it normally isn't but anywhoo). i've just downed a cup of coffee and i'm about to get another, coffee has become my staple diet recently, i'm addicted. oscars tonight. i wish i could be all "here are my predictions" but the only nominated film i've seen was slumdog millionaire. which to be fair was epic. i SO want to see revolutionary road, i'm now reading the book having finished 'kill your friends' (read it, it's hilarious), and it's lovely. i don't know why but suburbia really freaks me out, probably after watching pleasentville too many times. the idea of monotonous houses, monotonous cars, monotonous people. i mean, i live in your typical commuter village, but it has variety and charm. i couldnt live in a suburb, it'd drive me mad.

right i'm going to leave it, i can't think of anything else to write because my head is switched off and all i can think about is this english essay i have to do and a million other buzzy little things that don't matter. sometimes i wish i had something really big to concentrate my thoughts on, i seem to waste my time mulling over crap that doesn't matter and dreaming my life away. fuck i'm stopping writing emo rubbish now haha! oh i'm listening to fall out boy's new stuff, it's like year 10 all over again before i got all pretentious about music and being like "yeah if it's not the libertines i'm not listening".

although, being fair, the libertines still rule. oh pete. i wish he'd taken that £2 million to reform for leeds fest. it would make my life.

victoria x