i am beyond tired right now. you know when it gets to that stage when you're so tired that you can't even think about sleeping, and everything is just a blur? i actually feel semi-drunk with pure knackeredness. although that could also partially be down to the fact that i've been semi-drunk for pretty much all half term. my unit consumption must be getting in the hundreds, bleurrrgh. so i've decided to give up my one and only true vice for lent in the hope that for forty days i'll have a brighter complexion and won't wake up every saturday morning thinking "what the fuck happened last night?!"
half term has been pretty lovely though, i've kept myself busy every day with trips to leeds/york, lots of work and the like. and then i've had numerous gatherings/pub outings on the nights so it hasn't really been wasted. my proudest acheivement was actually managing to steer the car yesterday, i was beyond proud. i'm thinking i might actually pass my test this decade (im not exaggerating there) and then i'll be able to zoom all over the place and be free as a bird.
blog plug here, my english lit partner-in-crime harri has FINALLY started his blog, its www.thedeaddove.blogspot.com, he's a funny guy, check it out :D. i love how many people i've converted to the blogging way of life, you could almost say i'm like a blogging jesus although that might be taking it slightly too far...
so yeah i'm so so tired i actually can't think straight and everything i'm writing is complete shit (not that it normally isn't but anywhoo). i've just downed a cup of coffee and i'm about to get another, coffee has become my staple diet recently, i'm addicted. oscars tonight. i wish i could be all "here are my predictions" but the only nominated film i've seen was slumdog millionaire. which to be fair was epic. i SO want to see revolutionary road, i'm now reading the book having finished 'kill your friends' (read it, it's hilarious), and it's lovely. i don't know why but suburbia really freaks me out, probably after watching pleasentville too many times. the idea of monotonous houses, monotonous cars, monotonous people. i mean, i live in your typical commuter village, but it has variety and charm. i couldnt live in a suburb, it'd drive me mad.
right i'm going to leave it, i can't think of anything else to write because my head is switched off and all i can think about is this english essay i have to do and a million other buzzy little things that don't matter. sometimes i wish i had something really big to concentrate my thoughts on, i seem to waste my time mulling over crap that doesn't matter and dreaming my life away. fuck i'm stopping writing emo rubbish now haha! oh i'm listening to fall out boy's new stuff, it's like year 10 all over again before i got all pretentious about music and being like "yeah if it's not the libertines i'm not listening".
although, being fair, the libertines still rule. oh pete. i wish he'd taken that £2 million to reform for leeds fest. it would make my life.
victoria x
Sunday 22 February 2009
Wednesday 18 February 2009
mr darcy fantasies are ruining my life
i couldn't ever say this to your face
but i'm finding this whole experience quite, well boring.
and please don't take offence
but i've seen all this before.
same old tangled limbs, same old tired story
it might be a slightly different face but your mouth still tastes the same
first kiss is always the niccy rush and the second one is staler
all i can concentrate on is keeping my hands glued to my sides
and somewhere in the back of my mind there are slight hazy, barely-there memories
of butterflies dancing on my tongue
of fingers pulling through my hair
of piggy backs and grassy fields and lazy arguments, we didn't care.
but not you. not tonight.
it's hard to recreate something that was never truly quite there
and i'm fidgeting because my mother once said that those we love
never really leave us, they are the brightest stars, they are always watching.
are they watching me now?
are they watching me now and do they know that i'm apologising
for not being the clever seven year old who could recite all henry the eighth's wives
and is god up there somewhere damning me down
for doing this when i'm not in love
and will my whole fate be decided
on the way that you whisper my name
and are angels singing for me now
as you grasp for my hand in the dark?
so this is the poem i had inspiration for, the last two lines have been floating around my head for a couple of weeks so it's good to put them into context. as you can see, it's about meaningless 'romantic' encounters and how pointless they are, and how i feel guilty about having them when i could and should be doing something better. and about how sometimes the memory of being in love is the only motivation for it all, even if the love wasn't real in the first place. something like that anyway, i don't know. it's a bit ironic i guess, seeing as i haven't had any kind of encounter for months, but oh well. i have nothing else to write about except the amount of work i'm getting, and being skint. it doesn't have a title right now- i saved it under 'this is no bridget jones', after a line in one of my favourite songs but i'm not keen on it as an actual title, so i'm keeping my thinking cap on. it's starting to annoy me how my poetry is all the same and really quite boring and shallow and pretentious. i might experiment next time with some actual poetic constructs, i'm thinking rhythm and imagery and perhaps actual RHYME. who knows man ;)
yesterday was lovely, me and gracie had a perfect day in york. sometimes i think i take york for granted a bit- it's amazing to spend time in a city which is so vibrant, so present- yet also so chained to its past. to walk down the streets which have been tread for centuries, to see buildings that have sprogged up over the years, to take in its absolute breathtaking beauty. now i'm a leeds girl and i always will be- its an urban paradise, the most diverse and exciting city in the world (in my opinion anyway ;)) but york is a total enigma, somewhere i could spend hours just exploring, always knowing i was going to find something new. i've got just over another year to make the most of it, which is exactly what i intend to do.
spending time with grace is the best thing ever too. for those who don't know, gracie is my childhood best friend- we have literally known eachother from being in nappies (our first meeting was me as a one year old being pushed in a pram by my grandma, scoffing up chocolate buttons. some things never change). her family used to live next door to my grandma's and i'd shout over the paddock fence every time i visited "graaaaaace! graaaaace!" and we'd spend ages running around the paddock, making up stories and tormenting her older sister. as we grew up, we became a twosome at primary school (even at that age, we knew we were intellectual oddities!) and i was left bereft when she moved to beverley when we were ten. however for the past six years we've kept a really, really strong friendship and i have a bond with her which is unlike one i have to anyone else. we have so many memories to fall back on, and i know she'd be there for me through anything. it's so strange how we've spent our adolescence apart yet our lives have so many parrallels, the way we dress, the music and books we read, our general mindsets. it's brilliant. i love her. thanks for everything gracamund :)
i bought this massive reebok jumper for £3 from expressions (currently wearing said jumper, teamed with my trusty leggings), and three books- the perks of being a wallflower (read. loved. although it wasn't as good as catcher in the rye. but then, nothing is.), kill your friends (started today, love it so far, completly piss your pants hilarious) and revolutionary road, which i want to read before seeing the film and going ballistic over the beautiful kate winslet. oh kate, i am you.
pride and prejudice binge today, i reread my favourite chapters, watched some clips on youtube (completly gratuitous, simply fufilling my burning need to see colin firth in a wet shirt smouldering. oh colin, oh colin. fuck i have to stop. the man is like fifty. fuck i don't care. oh colin...) and then reading my 'making of pride and prejudice' book that came out with the 1995 series. oh colin. sorry. but yes, that's how hardcore i am. i even got the pride and prejudice question right on university challenge. watching said challenge has also dissuaded me from applying to oxbridge, i shall NEVER be that clever.
and now i am off to bed. tomorrow i intend to work hard, on everything. because i have so much work to do, it actually slightly makes me want to cry. and then i intend to find some disney film or possibly mean girls to watch as my reward for working hard. i love organising my days. i think i'm turning into mary ann spier. oh well. as long as it's not mallory. DYKE.
nanight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite (unless you're into kinky biting. who knows? i'm not. unless it's from colin... oh god. i have problems, i really do)
victoria x
but i'm finding this whole experience quite, well boring.
and please don't take offence
but i've seen all this before.
same old tangled limbs, same old tired story
it might be a slightly different face but your mouth still tastes the same
first kiss is always the niccy rush and the second one is staler
all i can concentrate on is keeping my hands glued to my sides
and somewhere in the back of my mind there are slight hazy, barely-there memories
of butterflies dancing on my tongue
of fingers pulling through my hair
of piggy backs and grassy fields and lazy arguments, we didn't care.
but not you. not tonight.
it's hard to recreate something that was never truly quite there
and i'm fidgeting because my mother once said that those we love
never really leave us, they are the brightest stars, they are always watching.
are they watching me now?
are they watching me now and do they know that i'm apologising
for not being the clever seven year old who could recite all henry the eighth's wives
and is god up there somewhere damning me down
for doing this when i'm not in love
and will my whole fate be decided
on the way that you whisper my name
and are angels singing for me now
as you grasp for my hand in the dark?
so this is the poem i had inspiration for, the last two lines have been floating around my head for a couple of weeks so it's good to put them into context. as you can see, it's about meaningless 'romantic' encounters and how pointless they are, and how i feel guilty about having them when i could and should be doing something better. and about how sometimes the memory of being in love is the only motivation for it all, even if the love wasn't real in the first place. something like that anyway, i don't know. it's a bit ironic i guess, seeing as i haven't had any kind of encounter for months, but oh well. i have nothing else to write about except the amount of work i'm getting, and being skint. it doesn't have a title right now- i saved it under 'this is no bridget jones', after a line in one of my favourite songs but i'm not keen on it as an actual title, so i'm keeping my thinking cap on. it's starting to annoy me how my poetry is all the same and really quite boring and shallow and pretentious. i might experiment next time with some actual poetic constructs, i'm thinking rhythm and imagery and perhaps actual RHYME. who knows man ;)
yesterday was lovely, me and gracie had a perfect day in york. sometimes i think i take york for granted a bit- it's amazing to spend time in a city which is so vibrant, so present- yet also so chained to its past. to walk down the streets which have been tread for centuries, to see buildings that have sprogged up over the years, to take in its absolute breathtaking beauty. now i'm a leeds girl and i always will be- its an urban paradise, the most diverse and exciting city in the world (in my opinion anyway ;)) but york is a total enigma, somewhere i could spend hours just exploring, always knowing i was going to find something new. i've got just over another year to make the most of it, which is exactly what i intend to do.
spending time with grace is the best thing ever too. for those who don't know, gracie is my childhood best friend- we have literally known eachother from being in nappies (our first meeting was me as a one year old being pushed in a pram by my grandma, scoffing up chocolate buttons. some things never change). her family used to live next door to my grandma's and i'd shout over the paddock fence every time i visited "graaaaaace! graaaaace!" and we'd spend ages running around the paddock, making up stories and tormenting her older sister. as we grew up, we became a twosome at primary school (even at that age, we knew we were intellectual oddities!) and i was left bereft when she moved to beverley when we were ten. however for the past six years we've kept a really, really strong friendship and i have a bond with her which is unlike one i have to anyone else. we have so many memories to fall back on, and i know she'd be there for me through anything. it's so strange how we've spent our adolescence apart yet our lives have so many parrallels, the way we dress, the music and books we read, our general mindsets. it's brilliant. i love her. thanks for everything gracamund :)
i bought this massive reebok jumper for £3 from expressions (currently wearing said jumper, teamed with my trusty leggings), and three books- the perks of being a wallflower (read. loved. although it wasn't as good as catcher in the rye. but then, nothing is.), kill your friends (started today, love it so far, completly piss your pants hilarious) and revolutionary road, which i want to read before seeing the film and going ballistic over the beautiful kate winslet. oh kate, i am you.
pride and prejudice binge today, i reread my favourite chapters, watched some clips on youtube (completly gratuitous, simply fufilling my burning need to see colin firth in a wet shirt smouldering. oh colin, oh colin. fuck i have to stop. the man is like fifty. fuck i don't care. oh colin...) and then reading my 'making of pride and prejudice' book that came out with the 1995 series. oh colin. sorry. but yes, that's how hardcore i am. i even got the pride and prejudice question right on university challenge. watching said challenge has also dissuaded me from applying to oxbridge, i shall NEVER be that clever.
and now i am off to bed. tomorrow i intend to work hard, on everything. because i have so much work to do, it actually slightly makes me want to cry. and then i intend to find some disney film or possibly mean girls to watch as my reward for working hard. i love organising my days. i think i'm turning into mary ann spier. oh well. as long as it's not mallory. DYKE.
nanight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite (unless you're into kinky biting. who knows? i'm not. unless it's from colin... oh god. i have problems, i really do)
victoria x
Monday 16 February 2009
a lesson learnt in time
this weekend i've begun to realize the joys of spontaneity. i'm normally one of those people who meticulously plans every day, even silly trips to town. so ringing up people and being all "right let's do something right now" is fun. take friday for instance- i brought amy home to cheer her up and we ended up down at the blue bell (again) with steven, ben and andrew and we had a lovely wine-fuelled evening. i again demonstrated my ability to attract chavs :/ seriously, i find it so hard to understand how normal, decent guys don't really ever look at me, but i seem to emit some kind of "come-hither" waves at chavs. judging by the amount of wolf whistling anyway, grrr. but yeah, i managed to control my feelings of lust for said chavs, coughcough, to drag a very drunk amy home. bless her little cotton socks, i can't believe i've suddenly become the one amongst my friends who can hold their drink, when did that happen?!
saturday was lovely too, after a day nursing my little hungover princess we met up with our coral for the gig at town hall, unfortunatly the bands were not up to scratch, but we had fun moshing about anyway. i also had a small fit of jealousy over all the year tens in selby who are better dressed than me, it made me feel physically ill. one day i will become good, i swear, and wear outfits that will make people gasp at their sheer genius. back to coral's to watch the notebook, armed with dixy chicken, and for once i didn't cry (probably because i spent most of it asleep...)
and then yesterday was francesca-filled, the best kind of day. i got to meet her lovely friends, carrie, haseeb, nicola and becca and we shared the nicest pizza in the world along with a bottle of lambrini. i made everyone watch antiques roadshow, but its disappointing now that old guy has left. just isn't the same. fact of the day: fran's mum fancies my dad. my mommy has competition, it seems! the ladies just can't get enough of our mick. oh dear...
however all this loveliness and fun days comes after a few very testing events- every silver lining comes with a cloud. i've actually had to deal with real problems, as opposed to my normal "my-hair-looks-shit-today" horrors. to one girl in particular who i hope is reading this, i'm not giving up on you, or our friendship- it just means too much to me. i've realized over the past couple of days that we need to stick together- something tells me in the next few weeks we're all going to need eachother a lot. sometimes it's hard to put a brave face on, but if we can all keep smiling i know that we'll see all this shit through. i know that it's tested my limits a lot- my mum heard me crying for the first time in goodness knows how long yesterday morning, (i tend to let films be my emotional outlet these days!) and i think i freaked her out a bit by wailing "i'm not crying about my problems, i'm crying about everyone else's!" as if i've become some crazy philanthropist in my old age. sadly not.
right i'm thinking this has been a very boring blog entry, sorry i have nothing more interesting to say... i think i need sleep/a decent book to read. but right now my dog is whimpering for me to take him out, so it's time to don my wellies and brace myself for the mud, good times for all!
oh and i am beastly excited for tomorrow, meeting grace and jack in york for shopping and nando's time. hopefully we can make "rah-expose" part two. good craic, good craic. and i've just been hit by poetical inspiration, i will mull over it as i dog-walk and write on my return!
victoria x
Well it's been a long time, long time now
Since I've seen you smile
And I'll gamble away my fright
And I'll gamble away my time
And in a year, a year or so
This will slip into the sea
Well it's been a long time, long time now
Since I've seen you smile - beirut, nantes.
saturday was lovely too, after a day nursing my little hungover princess we met up with our coral for the gig at town hall, unfortunatly the bands were not up to scratch, but we had fun moshing about anyway. i also had a small fit of jealousy over all the year tens in selby who are better dressed than me, it made me feel physically ill. one day i will become good, i swear, and wear outfits that will make people gasp at their sheer genius. back to coral's to watch the notebook, armed with dixy chicken, and for once i didn't cry (probably because i spent most of it asleep...)
and then yesterday was francesca-filled, the best kind of day. i got to meet her lovely friends, carrie, haseeb, nicola and becca and we shared the nicest pizza in the world along with a bottle of lambrini. i made everyone watch antiques roadshow, but its disappointing now that old guy has left. just isn't the same. fact of the day: fran's mum fancies my dad. my mommy has competition, it seems! the ladies just can't get enough of our mick. oh dear...
however all this loveliness and fun days comes after a few very testing events- every silver lining comes with a cloud. i've actually had to deal with real problems, as opposed to my normal "my-hair-looks-shit-today" horrors. to one girl in particular who i hope is reading this, i'm not giving up on you, or our friendship- it just means too much to me. i've realized over the past couple of days that we need to stick together- something tells me in the next few weeks we're all going to need eachother a lot. sometimes it's hard to put a brave face on, but if we can all keep smiling i know that we'll see all this shit through. i know that it's tested my limits a lot- my mum heard me crying for the first time in goodness knows how long yesterday morning, (i tend to let films be my emotional outlet these days!) and i think i freaked her out a bit by wailing "i'm not crying about my problems, i'm crying about everyone else's!" as if i've become some crazy philanthropist in my old age. sadly not.
right i'm thinking this has been a very boring blog entry, sorry i have nothing more interesting to say... i think i need sleep/a decent book to read. but right now my dog is whimpering for me to take him out, so it's time to don my wellies and brace myself for the mud, good times for all!
oh and i am beastly excited for tomorrow, meeting grace and jack in york for shopping and nando's time. hopefully we can make "rah-expose" part two. good craic, good craic. and i've just been hit by poetical inspiration, i will mull over it as i dog-walk and write on my return!
victoria x
Well it's been a long time, long time now
Since I've seen you smile
And I'll gamble away my fright
And I'll gamble away my time
And in a year, a year or so
This will slip into the sea
Well it's been a long time, long time now
Since I've seen you smile - beirut, nantes.
Tuesday 10 February 2009
coral is my hero
so i'm posting a poem that isn't by me! this is an ode to our english shenanigans by my lovely chum coral (www.bellusforever.blogspot.com)
to harri-with-an-i and victoire...
so you thought you'd be clever and play a little game
but it didn't turn out the way you wanted- WHAT A FRICKIN SHAME!!
guys you make me piss my panties
and i wish i was up to scratch with your antics
however i think i care about my future
enough to know i can't fail literature!
...ahaha you guys go BANG!
you're on FIRE
WOW...
you rock my socks muchly
X <3>
je t'adore cozzie g!
in other news, my face is burning after using william's christmas present- an 89p face peel from boyes. what an attentive sibling he is... :/. also i have french and theatre essays that need doing, blaah. work work work, i refuse to cope. if i fail my as exams, i am suing facebook. although i have only myself and my weak work ethic to blame.
so i'm off to do one of two things now, a) solider on with anna karenina (which is more enjoyable than expected) or b) watch the devil wears prada. hmm...
love a short but sweet victoria x
ps. "guess who spoke to me today?!" bahaha
pps. "carol, i'd like to hear your thoughts on this matter!"
ppps LUDLOW 2009. i'm full on going to visit the room where arthur and katherine of aragon may have consummated their marriage. oh arthur, why did philippa gregory kill you off? broke my heart it did...
to harri-with-an-i and victoire...
so you thought you'd be clever and play a little game
but it didn't turn out the way you wanted- WHAT A FRICKIN SHAME!!
guys you make me piss my panties
and i wish i was up to scratch with your antics
however i think i care about my future
enough to know i can't fail literature!
...ahaha you guys go BANG!
you're on FIRE
WOW...
you rock my socks muchly
X <3>
je t'adore cozzie g!
in other news, my face is burning after using william's christmas present- an 89p face peel from boyes. what an attentive sibling he is... :/. also i have french and theatre essays that need doing, blaah. work work work, i refuse to cope. if i fail my as exams, i am suing facebook. although i have only myself and my weak work ethic to blame.
so i'm off to do one of two things now, a) solider on with anna karenina (which is more enjoyable than expected) or b) watch the devil wears prada. hmm...
love a short but sweet victoria x
ps. "guess who spoke to me today?!" bahaha
pps. "carol, i'd like to hear your thoughts on this matter!"
ppps LUDLOW 2009. i'm full on going to visit the room where arthur and katherine of aragon may have consummated their marriage. oh arthur, why did philippa gregory kill you off? broke my heart it did...
Monday 9 February 2009
things i love monday #1
okay, i nicked it off galadarling (check her blog by the way, it's a humdinger.) but basically, monday is everyone's least favourite day of the week. so i've decided every monday my new thing is going to be to post the five things that are floating my boat, to cheer myself and anyone else up :). it's going to be books, music, anything that i'm enjoying right now. so hmm here we go!
1) rebecca by daphne du maurier- so i finished this yesterday. it's brilliant, if you like murder mysteries, romance, scary gothic stories, i totally recommend it. i'm going to buy the film methinks :)
2) lily allen's new album, "it's not me, it's you." espcially the tracks 'chinese' 'back to the start' and 'him'. totally lily at her best. 'back to the start' IS me and ellie, so it made me all emotional. also love how she's just blatantly ripped the chorus of take that's 'shine' for 'who'd have known' but just changed the lyrics. oh lil.
3) nick & norah's infinite playlist. i saw this on saturday and totally hearted it. kat dennings is gorgeous and such a good actress, and michael cera... well michael cera looks kind of like my ex boyfriend but that can't be helped. the story was so effing cute. "shit sandwich! we are shit sandwich!". i guarentee after seeing this film, you will never chew a piece of gum in the same way again.
4) i am BEYOND excited for coraline to come out. if you haven't already read it, do so. it might be a children's book but it is the scariest book i have ever read. you're all coming with me when it comes out at the cinema, i need some shoulders to bury my head and squeal in. the stuff of nightmares.
5) marianne dashwood. after re-reading sense and sensibility, i'm in love with her again. i think marianne is always going to be the austen heroine i identify most with, i think she's the freshest of all of them (except perhaps emma woodhouse). seventeen, addicted to literature, waiting for true romance and always believing there's something better out there- sounds slightly familiar. although i still debate with myself over whether she would have married colonel brandon really. i prefer the idea of her pining over willoughby forever more. oh well. jane knows best!
Sunday 8 February 2009
i wouldn't thank you for a valentine
so it's coming up to the loveliest day of the year for couples, valentine's. i've always hated the day, although obviously not out of bitterness coughcough. this could be because i've always (bar one year) been single for valentines- and on that said one year, my romantic present from my partner of the time was a cheap tatty card which said "from -insert-name-" no kisses. i think he might have bought me a chocolate bar as well. i was obviously adored... so yeah, the day has obvious negative connatations for me.
i remember in year eight maybe always being jealous of those elusive year eleven girls, walking around school on the 14th of february with flowers in one arm and a balloon in the other "to the best girlfriend ever." i always thought that being that age would automatically mean i'd have a boyfriend, conveniantly there to splash out on me. of course when my own year eleven rolled around, i had to sit discontentedly in the corner of the common room whilst my friends waltzed around with their flowers and cards, humphing to myself "valentine's is just a commercial gimmick anyway."
it totally is though, to be fair. i mean, to say i was in a serious relationship for nearly a year, i've never had the whole romance deal (at least not a real reciprocated romance!)- you know, the heart churning, butterflies in stomach, melt in the mouth kind of love that my friends insist does exist, even if i've never properly felt it. however i imagine when and if i do feel that kind of love, valentine's day still won't matter to me. i know so many people say it, but you really don't need one designated day of the year to show your affections to someone.
however, i am sure there are people reading this (well hopefully reading this, i don't like to think i'm writing this blog for nothing!) who are thinking 'well she doesn't have a boyfriend, she doesn't understand.' and maybe i don't- sad as it sounds, i've actually forgotten what it feels like to be in a relationship, to have someone to think about and call up when i'm bored. this doesn't make me as depressed as it used to though, haha. i have this theory that somone incredibly brilliant and mystical and clever and funny and basically all i've ever really wanted is waiting just around the corner, or right under my nose (not literally, although finding someone lovely in my back garden would be pretty cool), ready to show up tomorrow, or in a week, or in a month, or in ten years and that's what i'm waiting for because i've gotten so used to the little flings and 'seeing people' that have always been second best. and that person won't care that i'm unnattractive to the point of hilarity, or that i can be a bit shy and awkward and make really unnecessary comments when i'm nervous, or that i'm a grumpy so and so first thing in the morning and i am literally unfit to face the world until 11 am, or that i scrounge food off EVERYBODY because they will see me for who i really am, or at least who i'd like to think i really am. well that's what i'm hoping anyway haha. something tells me the reality is going to be something different- 60 years of spinsterhood and being 'everybody's favourite aunt' is coming my way, i fear! ;)
so to anyone single reading this who is desparing because they don't have a valentine this year: you are not alone! :D. just be thankful you don't have to spend drinking/clothing/leeds fest-funding money (because we're all starting to realize that tickets come out NEXT MONTH and we're skinto!) on crappy cards and chocolates. i'm off for a girls night out to good old selby on valentine's day and i can't wait. if all else fails, stay at home and stick bridget jones on (i AM bridget jones) with a tub on ben and jerrys. sounds like a plan to me.
as i began to write this, my parents were asleep on the sofa, both facing opposite directions but with my dad's feet neatly tucked inside my mum's. now that's true romance for you.
victoria x
i remember in year eight maybe always being jealous of those elusive year eleven girls, walking around school on the 14th of february with flowers in one arm and a balloon in the other "to the best girlfriend ever." i always thought that being that age would automatically mean i'd have a boyfriend, conveniantly there to splash out on me. of course when my own year eleven rolled around, i had to sit discontentedly in the corner of the common room whilst my friends waltzed around with their flowers and cards, humphing to myself "valentine's is just a commercial gimmick anyway."
it totally is though, to be fair. i mean, to say i was in a serious relationship for nearly a year, i've never had the whole romance deal (at least not a real reciprocated romance!)- you know, the heart churning, butterflies in stomach, melt in the mouth kind of love that my friends insist does exist, even if i've never properly felt it. however i imagine when and if i do feel that kind of love, valentine's day still won't matter to me. i know so many people say it, but you really don't need one designated day of the year to show your affections to someone.
however, i am sure there are people reading this (well hopefully reading this, i don't like to think i'm writing this blog for nothing!) who are thinking 'well she doesn't have a boyfriend, she doesn't understand.' and maybe i don't- sad as it sounds, i've actually forgotten what it feels like to be in a relationship, to have someone to think about and call up when i'm bored. this doesn't make me as depressed as it used to though, haha. i have this theory that somone incredibly brilliant and mystical and clever and funny and basically all i've ever really wanted is waiting just around the corner, or right under my nose (not literally, although finding someone lovely in my back garden would be pretty cool), ready to show up tomorrow, or in a week, or in a month, or in ten years and that's what i'm waiting for because i've gotten so used to the little flings and 'seeing people' that have always been second best. and that person won't care that i'm unnattractive to the point of hilarity, or that i can be a bit shy and awkward and make really unnecessary comments when i'm nervous, or that i'm a grumpy so and so first thing in the morning and i am literally unfit to face the world until 11 am, or that i scrounge food off EVERYBODY because they will see me for who i really am, or at least who i'd like to think i really am. well that's what i'm hoping anyway haha. something tells me the reality is going to be something different- 60 years of spinsterhood and being 'everybody's favourite aunt' is coming my way, i fear! ;)
so to anyone single reading this who is desparing because they don't have a valentine this year: you are not alone! :D. just be thankful you don't have to spend drinking/clothing/leeds fest-funding money (because we're all starting to realize that tickets come out NEXT MONTH and we're skinto!) on crappy cards and chocolates. i'm off for a girls night out to good old selby on valentine's day and i can't wait. if all else fails, stay at home and stick bridget jones on (i AM bridget jones) with a tub on ben and jerrys. sounds like a plan to me.
as i began to write this, my parents were asleep on the sofa, both facing opposite directions but with my dad's feet neatly tucked inside my mum's. now that's true romance for you.
victoria x
Friday 6 February 2009
last night i dreamt i went to manderley again
samsung g600, we hardly knew ye. sad news today guys- after a long and happy relationship, i am widowed after my lovely mobile died. whether it is to have a christ-like resurrection remains to be seen, but in the mean time i need numbers for my old nokia something or other please. so if you are reading this, and i am friends with you (or enemies, who knows) GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER BITCH. and i will be grateful and love you to all eternity, amen. my number is still the same by the way- won't post it on here for obvious reasons!
so tonight was lovely, i went round to charlie's house and we watched la vie en rose and played on the wii fit and i ate some of the loftus' fajitas, even though i'd already had tea, because i cannot resist mexican EVER. charlie's french partner, alexandre, was there as well and we had a right gigglefest hoola-hooping on the wii, which naturally i was hopeless at. typical that even virtual sports render me useless, one of these days i AM going to get fit and become a super athlete and win sixteen gold medals at the 2012 olympics. so suck on that. i'm thinking rowing might be my forte.
i actually kind of wish i had done french exchange this year, the partners all seem really nice and it really is a good way of improving votre francais. not to mention it looks pretty swish on ucas forms. no victoria, shut up about ucas. but i suppose i already did one with the hated sarah in year ten (angouleme- the french version of doncaster), so i can't really complain. besides, according to guillame my french is good enough anyway! tee hee hee. i do love completley immersing myself in the language though, i love being in france and speaking french all day. it's funny how it almost becomes instinct- sometimes i catch myself having little thoughts in french and it makes me smile. i remember in angouleme, i took a book with me (katie price- angel. i kid you not, my fifteen year old self was a badass) and i didn't open it until maybe the fifth day. it actually took me a few pages to get back into the swing of reading in english, i'd been so used to parlaying french. i definitly want to spend some time there, whether as part of university or a gap year. my dad told me the other day that he thinks i'm like a little bird who will soon want to fly the nest and that he can see me moving abroad. i don't know about a permanant move- i am so yorkshire born and bred it's untrue. i'm one of those annoying people who gets a lump in their throat when they see the yorkshire moors or an old man sat with a flat cap outside a pub with a whippet. i love god's own county.
so i'm halfway through rebecca, and i absolutly love it. i'm finding it genuinly chilling, and it's hard to find a book that isn't stephen king, scary. mrs danvers is such a lesbian creep, i love her. it's the perfect setting as well- having been to cornwall, i know how eerie it can seem. i will hopefully get it finished this weekend- sunday probably, i'm doing nothing else. and then i'm going to set myself the challenge of anna karenina, which i am not looking forward to but i feel has to be done. that'll take up my reading for at least two weeks i'd say, bad times. and then i want to read fear and loathing in las vegas. and revolutionary road. i'm going through a bit of an american literature phase at the moment, it's all about the discontment of the american dream maaan. on top of all this i'm supposed to be finding a monologue for theatre, i found one about percy shelley's first wife (she threw herself into the serpentine you know!) which seemed intruiging, also a gothic lezza fantasy which i might do just for the laughs. or there was the shakespeare katherine of aragon one, decisions decisions. i wish i could act, i really do.
so tomorrow i'm going to see benjamin button and swoon over brad pitt. i hope it's as good as the reviews say it is, i'm expecting a real treat. the concept slightly reminds me of the time traveller's wife, but hopefully not as sad. i shall just have to cry on mel's shoulder- i am tres excited about seeing her, elle and miranda. it's been too long and i love them dearly!
anyway i'm off to rest my sleepy head, it's late and my pillows look welcoming. sweet dreams.
victoria x
You're such a beautiful writer that's not all you are
I'm sorry about making a pass
It was subtle but I think that you grasped
The meaning intended
I can be a friend to you
I won't pretend I'm not interested in breaking your heart
It's not love no it's nothing like that
I'll leave that to lookers like him
Oh he's such a delicate thing
Now it's such a fragile thing that we have
I should be suspended from class - Suspended From Class, Camera Obscura
so tonight was lovely, i went round to charlie's house and we watched la vie en rose and played on the wii fit and i ate some of the loftus' fajitas, even though i'd already had tea, because i cannot resist mexican EVER. charlie's french partner, alexandre, was there as well and we had a right gigglefest hoola-hooping on the wii, which naturally i was hopeless at. typical that even virtual sports render me useless, one of these days i AM going to get fit and become a super athlete and win sixteen gold medals at the 2012 olympics. so suck on that. i'm thinking rowing might be my forte.
i actually kind of wish i had done french exchange this year, the partners all seem really nice and it really is a good way of improving votre francais. not to mention it looks pretty swish on ucas forms. no victoria, shut up about ucas. but i suppose i already did one with the hated sarah in year ten (angouleme- the french version of doncaster), so i can't really complain. besides, according to guillame my french is good enough anyway! tee hee hee. i do love completley immersing myself in the language though, i love being in france and speaking french all day. it's funny how it almost becomes instinct- sometimes i catch myself having little thoughts in french and it makes me smile. i remember in angouleme, i took a book with me (katie price- angel. i kid you not, my fifteen year old self was a badass) and i didn't open it until maybe the fifth day. it actually took me a few pages to get back into the swing of reading in english, i'd been so used to parlaying french. i definitly want to spend some time there, whether as part of university or a gap year. my dad told me the other day that he thinks i'm like a little bird who will soon want to fly the nest and that he can see me moving abroad. i don't know about a permanant move- i am so yorkshire born and bred it's untrue. i'm one of those annoying people who gets a lump in their throat when they see the yorkshire moors or an old man sat with a flat cap outside a pub with a whippet. i love god's own county.
so i'm halfway through rebecca, and i absolutly love it. i'm finding it genuinly chilling, and it's hard to find a book that isn't stephen king, scary. mrs danvers is such a lesbian creep, i love her. it's the perfect setting as well- having been to cornwall, i know how eerie it can seem. i will hopefully get it finished this weekend- sunday probably, i'm doing nothing else. and then i'm going to set myself the challenge of anna karenina, which i am not looking forward to but i feel has to be done. that'll take up my reading for at least two weeks i'd say, bad times. and then i want to read fear and loathing in las vegas. and revolutionary road. i'm going through a bit of an american literature phase at the moment, it's all about the discontment of the american dream maaan. on top of all this i'm supposed to be finding a monologue for theatre, i found one about percy shelley's first wife (she threw herself into the serpentine you know!) which seemed intruiging, also a gothic lezza fantasy which i might do just for the laughs. or there was the shakespeare katherine of aragon one, decisions decisions. i wish i could act, i really do.
so tomorrow i'm going to see benjamin button and swoon over brad pitt. i hope it's as good as the reviews say it is, i'm expecting a real treat. the concept slightly reminds me of the time traveller's wife, but hopefully not as sad. i shall just have to cry on mel's shoulder- i am tres excited about seeing her, elle and miranda. it's been too long and i love them dearly!
anyway i'm off to rest my sleepy head, it's late and my pillows look welcoming. sweet dreams.
victoria x
You're such a beautiful writer that's not all you are
I'm sorry about making a pass
It was subtle but I think that you grasped
The meaning intended
I can be a friend to you
I won't pretend I'm not interested in breaking your heart
It's not love no it's nothing like that
I'll leave that to lookers like him
Oh he's such a delicate thing
Now it's such a fragile thing that we have
I should be suspended from class - Suspended From Class, Camera Obscura
Tuesday 3 February 2009
i gyve unto my wief my second best bed
letters to and from my 12 year old self.
sometimes i think you knew more than i do
as you sit there pen in hand, chewing for the right word
they say wisdom comes with age, but i cannot offer you the solace you deserved
dear diary, he's so fit, he looked at me today
do you think he likes me dear diary? no he doesn't
silly girl, stop dreaming, start living
plenty of time for your first kiss
you'll cry after it anyway and wish you'd waited for something sweeter
do you think he likes me dear diary? no he doesn't
silly girl, stop dreaming, start living
plenty of time for your first kiss
you'll cry after it anyway and wish you'd waited for something sweeter
you're more lovely innocent then you'll ever be corrupted
kohl-less eyes and your sticky first lip gloss
cheap perfume smudged onto maths homework
square roots aren't as important as you'd think
i can see you now lying in my old single bed
hair sprayed ungracefully on the pillow
dreaming of some guy on the bus who remarked on how caramel it was
(you always used to think it was yellow as dishwater)
and of how your world would be straight and simple in five years time
dear diary, youth is wasted on the young, love victoria.
okay, i'm not sure on the title, or the last line. think they're a bit cheesy, but it's a good effort and i'm pretty pleased with it. i feel as if i'm getting back into the swing of things now and will hopefully one day produce my masterpiece and become the next emily dickinson and have lots of people kiss my grave and leave lipstick marks, a la oscar wilde. (yes you can tell i've been watching paris je t'aime clips on youtube).
snow was lahvely yesterday, i hate that awful slushy yellow stuff we normally get in england so to wake up to at least six inches of beautiful powdery proper crunchy snow was amazing. i didn't have to think twice about taking the day off college, and me and ellie had a lazy day walking through the village and throwing snowballs at eachother (i will just digress to say that i LOVE that girl and i am so glad we've put our issues behind us and got close again. i missed you hamsterface!) then we went back to hers and spent the rest of the day eating out her house and baking the world's worst chocolate cake with icing that tasted of pure alcohol. after which i persuaded ellie to watch shakespeare in love with me. oh my god, joseph fiennes. oh my god, ben affleck, oh my god, COLIN FIRTH. needless to say the film was a success with both of us, and it would be a lovely story if it were true. poor anne hathaway, i always used to feel so sorry for her until i read the poem by carol ann duffy. which gave a different, if probably inaccurate spin on things!
so yeah it's short but sweet today (like me then!). the more discerning of you may have noticed the music player toodling along in the background, i filled it up last night with about thirty songs- they're not necessarily all my favourites (i couldn't find my favourite ever song, i will follow you into the dark) but they are all choons that are making me happy and thoughtful at this moment in time. had to include some musical tracks for old times sake haha. but if anyone doesn't like it- i'll freely admit it's a bit myspace- let me know and i'll whisk it off a.s.a.p.
also i am FINALLY reading a decent book to get my teeth into- rebecca by daphne du maurier which i've had lingering on my shelf for about a year. so far 100 pages in, i'm really enjoying it and i'm totally getting the whole 'you're supposed to fall in love with the dead wife, not the narrator' thing. recommended to anyone who fancies a good murder mystery, i've heard the film is supposed to be a cracker as well, might have to buy it to watch over half term :)
anyway i'm off for some peri-peri chicken, yum!
victoria x
ps. they've opened an american apparal in manchester. god i know you're watching this and i know you love me- so please get the powers that be to open one in leeds?! thank you.
so yeah it's short but sweet today (like me then!). the more discerning of you may have noticed the music player toodling along in the background, i filled it up last night with about thirty songs- they're not necessarily all my favourites (i couldn't find my favourite ever song, i will follow you into the dark) but they are all choons that are making me happy and thoughtful at this moment in time. had to include some musical tracks for old times sake haha. but if anyone doesn't like it- i'll freely admit it's a bit myspace- let me know and i'll whisk it off a.s.a.p.
also i am FINALLY reading a decent book to get my teeth into- rebecca by daphne du maurier which i've had lingering on my shelf for about a year. so far 100 pages in, i'm really enjoying it and i'm totally getting the whole 'you're supposed to fall in love with the dead wife, not the narrator' thing. recommended to anyone who fancies a good murder mystery, i've heard the film is supposed to be a cracker as well, might have to buy it to watch over half term :)
anyway i'm off for some peri-peri chicken, yum!
victoria x
ps. they've opened an american apparal in manchester. god i know you're watching this and i know you love me- so please get the powers that be to open one in leeds?! thank you.
Sunday 1 February 2009
note to potential suitors: don't try to sweet talk me with taxidermy.
so it's been a while since i've visited that hallowed place, the bluebell inn. lack of funds/people to go with have prevented me from making the ten minute trip down to my local drinking establishment, so me and fran were eek mega excited about last night. we hyped it up so much in our minds that we began to believe the reality couldn't possibly be as good as what we remembered. we were wrong- it was better.
honestly, to say i live in what is described as a 'desirable middle-class village', you don't half get some characters in that pub. within about twenty minutes of arriving, fran had been accosted by none other than william's best friend's father stating "i'm fucked, want to come back to mine?". a tempting offer which i am sure was hard to decline. i was beginning to despair of finding any totty in the pub, until after returning from the ladies room, fran informed me that some lad had told her 'yer mate is fooooking gorgeous'. feeling slightly more heartened, i turned to look at my admirer. sadly i was disappointed- not the worst looking man in the world but currently pissed off his face and rolling around on the floor, having fallen off his chair. 'ratboy' as i found out his friends called him, approached me and did the whole "can i get your number, are we going to pull?" routine. sadly it wasn't ratboy's lucky day (i wasn't drunk enough to not know better and getting with twenty-six year old eejits has never been my thing anyway) but we chatted for a bit anyway, me and fran getting more and more amused by his outrageous drunkenness. things came to head when he grabbed a random stuffed deer head off the wall and in some strange bid to impress me started... stroking my leg with it. oh my god, to say i was freaked out would be a gross understatement, i went completley psycho on him for running a dead deer over me. i've always hated stuffed animals (memories of year seven: my mum phoning in to complain to my biology teacher i'd come home crying after having to sit next to a stuffed owl in lessons) so it was NOT the best way to get into my good books. thankfully we left soon after (although not before having been bought a drink by a drunk old man who told me he loved my father and that my grandad was a beautiful man), walked back home and crashed straight into bed... where we didn't surface from until eleven this morning.
lazy day again today, me and francesca watched st trinians and bemoaned the fact that we don't look like gemma arterton or talulah riley whilst eating copious amounts of cereal. and i've literally done nothing all afternoon except re-read the other boleyn girl in a bid to get my mind back in gear, it's actually worked as i've spent the past half an hour researching anne boleyn and trying to decide whether she was guilty or not. at the moment i'm swaying towards possibly guilty of certain charges but i think phillipa gregory has influenced me there. may just have a debate with zoe about it tomorrow in history, henry viii's reign can still inspire me even when his dad's cannot. i really should have done some work today, i need to get my hedda gabler lines stuck in my head, do my exploration notes, do some history, do some english coursework, the list goes on and i just want to bury my head in a pillow and make it all go away.
i think i'm going to brave the snow, go visit my grandma and watch pride and prejudice for probably the fiftieth time (i swear i don't watch it because colin firth circa 1995 was sex on legs...) and pretend that i am elizabeth bennett. although you know, me really, catherine morland much? although i haven't got the whole hopeless romantic thing going on so maybe i'm a bit like emma woodhouse? or maybe i'm not really good enough to be any austen heroine and should spend my time striving to do good deeds (although i'm putting my emma-like matchmaking to bed for a while!) instead of scribbling away on this blog for hours on end? haha, who knows?
victoria x
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