i wouldn't thank you for a valentine

so it's coming up to the loveliest day of the year for couples, valentine's. i've always hated the day, although obviously not out of bitterness coughcough. this could be because i've always (bar one year) been single for valentines- and on that said one year, my romantic present from my partner of the time was a cheap tatty card which said "from -insert-name-" no kisses. i think he might have bought me a chocolate bar as well. i was obviously adored... so yeah, the day has obvious negative connatations for me.

i remember in year eight maybe always being jealous of those elusive year eleven girls, walking around school on the 14th of february with flowers in one arm and a balloon in the other "to the best girlfriend ever." i always thought that being that age would automatically mean i'd have a boyfriend, conveniantly there to splash out on me. of course when my own year eleven rolled around, i had to sit discontentedly in the corner of the common room whilst my friends waltzed around with their flowers and cards, humphing to myself "valentine's is just a commercial gimmick anyway."

it totally is though, to be fair. i mean, to say i was in a serious relationship for nearly a year, i've never had the whole romance deal (at least not a real reciprocated romance!)- you know, the heart churning, butterflies in stomach, melt in the mouth kind of love that my friends insist does exist, even if i've never properly felt it. however i imagine when and if i do feel that kind of love, valentine's day still won't matter to me. i know so many people say it, but you really don't need one designated day of the year to show your affections to someone.

however, i am sure there are people reading this (well hopefully reading this, i don't like to think i'm writing this blog for nothing!) who are thinking 'well she doesn't have a boyfriend, she doesn't understand.' and maybe i don't- sad as it sounds, i've actually forgotten what it feels like to be in a relationship, to have someone to think about and call up when i'm bored. this doesn't make me as depressed as it used to though, haha. i have this theory that somone incredibly brilliant and mystical and clever and funny and basically all i've ever really wanted is waiting just around the corner, or right under my nose (not literally, although finding someone lovely in my back garden would be pretty cool), ready to show up tomorrow, or in a week, or in a month, or in ten years and that's what i'm waiting for because i've gotten so used to the little flings and 'seeing people' that have always been second best. and that person won't care that i'm unnattractive to the point of hilarity, or that i can be a bit shy and awkward and make really unnecessary comments when i'm nervous, or that i'm a grumpy so and so first thing in the morning and i am literally unfit to face the world until 11 am, or that i scrounge food off EVERYBODY because they will see me for who i really am, or at least who i'd like to think i really am. well that's what i'm hoping anyway haha. something tells me the reality is going to be something different- 60 years of spinsterhood and being 'everybody's favourite aunt' is coming my way, i fear! ;)

so to anyone single reading this who is desparing because they don't have a valentine this year: you are not alone! :D. just be thankful you don't have to spend drinking/clothing/leeds fest-funding money (because we're all starting to realize that tickets come out NEXT MONTH and we're skinto!) on crappy cards and chocolates. i'm off for a girls night out to good old selby on valentine's day and i can't wait. if all else fails, stay at home and stick bridget jones on (i AM bridget jones) with a tub on ben and jerrys. sounds like a plan to me.

as i began to write this, my parents were asleep on the sofa, both facing opposite directions but with my dad's feet neatly tucked inside my mum's. now that's true romance for you.

victoria x