"each for all and all for god"? my arse

okay so i've stuck my smiley face back where it belongs and yesterday and today have brightened things up, thank goodness! i hate being all drippy and sappy so not feeling turd-like is a great relief! however at the moment i am smiling through gritted, gritted teeth after my lovely day at the girls' high yesterday has been soured by the news today that one of my close mates is being kicked out. not because of, i don't know, drugs or bullying or something that would reasonably get you kicked out of college, no. the nice pies at the girls' high are kicking her out because "she wasn't working hard enough." i'm sorry, even as a born-again hard grafter, but i have to say that is the most ridiculous excuse to expel anyone, ever. by "not working hard enough" the senior management team are basically saying to my friend "look, you're not going to get AAA on results day, we don't want you here." it's pissed me off so much, urgh. just a few weeks before her a2 exams as well, now she's just been left in the lurch. hopefully she'll be coming to col in september to re do her a2s, but still. what pisses me off more is that two boys over at the boys school cockslapped a girl in my year the other day and have got off pretty much scot free, that's blatant sexism for you. mnnnrgh. makes me so glad i've left, i think i'd be in the same boat had i stayed on!

having said all that, i did have a lovely day visiting yesterday. it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder and seeing all my posh friends (love you guys!) in their suits did make me feel proud and almost a little wistful. it's funny how you can be away from a place for so long but still feel like you belong there when you go back, albeit if only for a few hours. of course i had to literally jump on every single person who walked through the common room with cries of "oh my gawwwd i've missed you so much!" and then make ryan walk me around school to try to find people i knew. everyone was staring at us as we walked by and i asked him if it was because my leaving had made such an impact that people were stunned by my return. however he brutally quashed my dreams of leaving a legacy by telling me "actually vicky, i think it's because i'm a boy...walking round an all girls school". i'd forgotten how we used to treat the male sixth formers you'd occasionally see in the corridors as local-celebrities, it was even funnier how all the small children assumed me and ryan were a couple- i was a bit naughty with this, i had a go at a year eight for saying she always thought ryan was gay ("i find the fact that you think my boyfriend is gay pretty offensive actually!").

but yes, it was nice to see everybody, although it served as a reminder that i am really happy where i am and certainly made the right choice in coming to college. i don't think i could cope permanantly with the stifling atmosphere and the overwhelming pressure to achieve, not to mention the stark financial situation of some of the girls' compared to my own (and most of my new friends'). i take for example one girl- who is absolutly lovely in her defence- who was upset because the courtesy car she'd been sent after crashing her new mini cooper is a fiat punto. i'm sorry but i would kill (not people, perhaps a bird or a small rodent) for a fiat punto or indeed any set of wheels. heck i wouldn't mind a three wheeler, in fact i think they're pretty cool in a vintagey way. just have to pass my test first, and that's the complicated bit. andrewboy passed his yesterday with one minor, the bloody driving savant. i'm going to full on make him take me on so many roadtrips in the holidays for all the times he's called me fat/nicked my hairband/been a general dick to me. scarborough here we come! haha.

so yeah, i'm knackered- i always am- and i'm psyched about skins tonight, and i can't believe i actually used the word psyched and i want to have some tea and wash my mop before it comes on and stuff, so i'm going to love you and leave you whilst i tuck into some lettuce. i've been so healthy today, it kills me inside. my effort to stay this side of twenty stone is wearing thin, i think i might just give up to the chips and cake and die a happy old lady, stuck to the sofa. haha imagine if they had to get a crane or something to pull me out, like in what's eating gilbert grape. oh wait no, they didn't get a crane, they just burnt down the house, with the fat woman in it, because she was too massive to move. that was a hilarious, if slightly disturbing movie. it's always weird to see a pre-titanic leo, and still find his 14 year old self attractive. even if he is past it now. oh leo, how disappointing. you were so beautiful in titanic, why did you have to die, just because stupid kate winslet wouldnt shove her ass up a bit on that floating door. you didn't deserve it leo, you should have been with someone like me.

anyway i digress! finally taking my leave :)
a bientot, victoria x

things that annoy and slightly worry me day

1) money, i hate not having it, i hate how it restricts your entire life only having a fiver in your bank account. i could have been out clubbing tonight with amigos but NO i had to stay in and have another pointless night on facebook because i haven't got the money to even get to pontefract, let alone entry to any clubs, not to mention drinks! urgh.
2) my stomach, hate hate hate almost as much as i dislike my face (so that's a great deal). no definition and it just jiggles about everywhere, has no tone whatsoever, and what's more i'm such a lazy shit that i cannae even be arsed to do anything about it.
3) my family or more specifically my brother- just because i am not out humping anything that moves, like you, does not make me a lesbian or a misfit, it just means i have standards that are hard to attain :). it pisses me off that i'm only seventeen and i'm already being seen as a failure for, oh gosh, not having a significant other, and that it's seen as odd to enjoy being single.
4) my wardrobe and how there seems to be nothing in it i want to wear anymore.
5) never having anything to do.
6) being so far away from fran and ryan nearly all the time when i literally need them to keep me sane sometimes.
7) bus timetables from hillam to just about everywhere, hate public transport, hate bus drivers.
8) the fact that i'm totally stupid and am likely to do shit in my a levels and not get in a good university and drop out of my degree and end up on the streets homeless except for the occasional cup of coffee bought by some kind old lady who thinks i'm a trampy man and i'll be a poor single-mother drug-addict by the time i'm 23, at which point some movie director will buy the rights to my story so i'll become a millionaire and maybe be slightly more cheerful.
9) not sleeping, like every night is supposed to be early night but i still find my brain whirring and ticking about until at least half twelve and then having to get up at the crack of dawn.
10) caring about people way too much and worrying about them too much, and when i'm exhausted about worrying about everyone else realizing i still have to worry about me.
11) being a perfectionist and not letting myself make mistakes- then beating myself up about it when i do.
12) the cold, i just want summer and sunshine and a beach where i can close my eyes and forget that everyone else apart from me exists.
13) how beautiful some people are- i mean i know beauty is skin deep and without wanting to sound all cocky, i like my personality (for the most part)- but seeing these girls with perfect faces and perfect hair just makes me want to scream. AARGH.
14) living in a village where the most exciting event to happen all year is the scarecrow festival, i kid you not.
15) the fact that i've lost all love for literature right now and that i'm actually regressing back to books i read when i was fifteen.

i am such a spoilt, idiotic, mardy little cow today. anyone reading this blog who doesn't know me in real life, doesn't know that in reality i'm a silly, happy girl with no reason to be angry at the world must think i'm a right emo. which i am so totally not, i'm just having a nice little strop about 'how the world doesn't understand me!' *slit slit* bahaha. need space to vent, AAAARGH. vented. grumpy old woman will shut up and go back in her cage, not to be released for several weeks. it's just been a bad bad few days i guess where i get pissed off with everyone and then assume everyone's pissed off at me- which let's face it, quite a few people probably are! haha. it will be right, i'm going to wakefield tomorrow to see ryan and becky (and take lots of cheesy pictures) and being around them will quieten me down, i think i just need someone to shake me and tell me stop being such an idiot. thursday will roll around and i'll walk into college happy as larry as usual :) and i'll do a grace and delete this blog entry for being so damn whiny and annoying.

sorry guys, as i'm sure you're all probably aware, i am so not usually like this! being a mardy bum and self obsessed and woe-is-me isn't really my cup of tea these days (i have too much to worry about my friends at the moment without getting all sad myself :( ), i promise that the infamous sourire (new french word i learnt today, it means smile) will be back tomorrow, tongue between teeth and everything! in the mean time feel free to call me an emo, i'm sure i deserve it just this once.

nanight guys, sending a hug to anyone who might be feeling as tired and cross as i am right now!
victoria x

when i grew down.

okay so last night equalled major gigglefest. i found my old diary from when i was twelve and it's full of the most cringeworthy, cliched rubbish, you would not believe. i actually can't believe i was so stupid, some of the things i wrote actually nearly made me pee with laughter. so i thought i'd share a couple of the highlights for anyone interested- names have been changed to protect the innocent!

"it was my surprise party today. it was brilliant- the whole year was there. i almost cried when they presented me with my birthday present- a stuffed squirrel."
"OMG JAKE ACTUALLY SPOKE TO ME TODAY. i was sat on the bus writing on the window and he asked me what I was doing. SQUEALLLL!"
"Jake+Vicky=happy Vicky :) Jake-Vicky=sad Vicky :("
"i think sam is perty fit. but he's got jessica. bet she's a fucking bitch."
"i've not been myself the past couple of days, i've had a really bad stomach ache. i hope it's not meningitis."
"i would gladly live a life without boyfriends if it meant having my cat back"
"well it finally happened! alex kissed me! but now he's going out with alice. am so confused, but MY FIRST KISS. it wasn't very nice, he was all rough and i didn't feel special at all. but i am still absolutley INFATUATED."
"chris u were fine, wish u were mine, but u went and fucked off, U BORING DRIPPY TOFF!"
(i believe the above is my first ever poem... well you have to start somewhere!)

i moved through crushes and friends so quickly back then, a lot of the names mean hardly anything to me now except for maybe a fleeting memory. i even kept a list in the back of my diary of who i fancied and was friends with every month (which i won't post because some of the names are excrutiatingly embarrassing!). but it's actually nice to look back and see how much i've changed, and to be able to laugh about it. things seemed so horrible and complicated back then but now i realize that really i had the ordinary problems of any new teenage girl. but then, i expect in five years time i'll look back on this blog (if it's still floating around cyberspace) and think 'god i was a pretentious little twat who believed the whole world revolved round me'. i guess it's all relative and you learn more about yourself and the world the older you get. still, i'd love to meet my twelve year old self, just for a day, so i could laugh at her and give her a hug and promise her that things will get a hell of a lot better, but they'll never stop being complicated.

quick blog plug- my ubercool friend ben has started a blog, it's www.liesofthecity.blogspot.com. he's a lovely boy who plays the cello. i remember once my brother hacked into my msn and asked him out for me, that made things awkward for a few days haha. and then my beautiful facebook wife/husband (gender issues there) miss bee henshaw has also started a blog, because i begged her to. her's is www.aviolaisjustforchristmas.blogspot.com. so check them both out if you have a minute :)

anyway! it's maman's birthday and we're going out for pizza and i really need to figure out what to wear, i'm thinking blue sweater and gold and black metallic skirt, but hmmm!
a bientot, victoria x

the news i have been waiting for

my obsession with the princes is at an all time high. william looks all manly and rugged with his beard, mmm, and HARRY HAS SPLIT UP WITH CHELSY. (check the bbc news website if you don't believe me). maybe i shall finally become royalty after all? (one day he WILL realize i exist.) oh dear god i need a new hobby...

i can't see further than my own nose at this moment

so yesterday was crazy day. i have them every so often. where everything just seems to be all crappy and stupid and worthless and it takes someone shaking me and telling me to stop being such an arsehole to make it better. i was talking to kathryn about it, after amy had managed to calm me down slightly from being in a general seething piss with the world, and i reckon it's because coming to college has made me so much happier that when i DO get in my occasional strop it hits me doubly hard. if that makes sense? probably not but since when did i ever make sense? i think it was just a general combination of being skint, having a really bad haircut and not filling my weekly quota of doritos that sent my brain a bit whack.

today's been much, much better thank goodness. driving lesson this morning which went surprisingly well. i managed to stop and start and steer the car (why are there so many st-s in driving?!) without killing anyone and i didn't come home threatening to quit, unlike last week. so it can only be an improvement. apart from that it's been a general day of nothingness except a quick trip to see grandmama and tante susan. it's funny but no matter how old i am, i still feel daunted by walking back from my grandma's in the dark. there's a wall across the street with a big wood behind it and i can always imagine little goblins watching me from the tree. and then next door to my grandma's house is the abandoned waterworks, sitting on a hill looking like some menacing haunted house with a half-expected ghostly girl grimacing out of the window. i still have to hold my breath and run past that, it's something to do with my phobia of mirrors and windows. i hate and cannot get used to having a mirror opposite my bed, if i ever have to get up in the middle of the night i have to actually run straight past it because i'm literally scared of my own reflection, i don't know, that it's going to come out and kill me or something. haha, i guess all the childhood stories about chanting bloody mary seven times in front of a mirror really affected me. same with windows- the curtains HAVE to be shut at night, couldn't do with waking up and seeing some old witch perving on me.

blegggg i feel so physically scratty at the moment, i'm having serious domestic issues with my hair and my face. one day i swear i will wake up and look like, i don't know, audrey hepburn or keira knightley or amy (it is so annoying having such gorgeous friends sometimes :P), AND i'll be six inches taller. until then i'll content myself by writing very silly poetry about how annoying it is having baby sized hands and ears and feet. i shouldn't complain, of everything i actually like my feet.

so i started watching pot luck (or l'auberge espagnole to give it its original french title). i have about half an hour left til the end, but all the way through i felt i was missing some big idea that was supposed to make the film really clever and funny like the reviews said it is. it just seemed a bit up its own arse, with directors and actors achingly aware of how 'hip' they were. i can't sympathise with any of the characters either, not even audrey tautou's martine who just seems really bland and one of those painfully irritating 'I MUST BE WITH MY BOYFRIEND 24 HOURS A DAY' kind of girl. i'll probably finish watching the film to see the ending, but i'm not expecting any miracles.

too many films i want to see at the moment, actually. benjamin button, the reader, revolutionary road, frost/nixon, arrrgh. i'm considering getting one of those cineworld cards, the amount of times i've been at the pictures recently. i'm becoming quite the little cinephile :)

i was hit with a very rare 'story inspiration' tonight, an idea that intrigues me so after i've finished this blog i might have a go at jotting some thoughts down. i haven't really ever written a decent story before (unless you count my 25 page teen romance opus written by my 13 year old self- even then i should have known better) and it's something i kind of want to have a stab at, so watch this space. i'll be letting you know how it goes.
victoria x

blairoholics anonymous

*goes into dreamlike trance* if i could have looked as hot as this in a school uniform, i swear i would have stayed at the girls' high. that's right, it's back and i am already hooked (how predictable). series two of gossip girl, which i have been looking forward to since...forever. okay slight exaggeration, but a long time. as predicted, my darling blair did not dissapoint. how hot was her outfit at the white party? although serena's dress just pipped it to the post, along with the best hairstyle i have ever seen in a gossip girl episode. speaking of serena... eeek! how happy am i that her and dan are back together? very, very- although something tells me the happiness isn't to last. i'm already counting down the days until next week's episode. oh blair waldorf. how easy life would be if i was you... *snaps out of trance*

hello everyone, sorry for that brief interruption! i am beyond absolutly knackered right now, i've reached the point where you're so tired that you feel wired. all thanks to amy and liv for keeping me up until 2 in the morning :D although we did have a good time at aerobics. sadly any hopes for a miraculous increase in my co-ordination were soon quashed so i just sort of bopped around and punched the air whilst liv and amy did complicated moves like 'grapevine' and 'square'. one day i WILL find a sport at which i can excel and become olympic standard. even if it's chess.


i'm so glad it's friday tomorrow, this week has gone by so slowly and really i just need some sleep. i'm planning to do nothing all weekend- my plans to go to a gig tomorrow night have been pretty much scuppered thanks to my never-ending skintness. i'm in the early stages of planning a charity- RSNMNV, the Royal Society (chief patron: The Queen) for the Nurturing of the Materialistic Needs of Victoria. All donations welcome to this very worthy cause, expect tear-inducing adverts on your telly any day now. i really wish i still worked at lush, i was thinking about how much i missed it today. it was the perfect job, selling (and getting to use!) products that i love, making customers feel great and putting smiles on their faces, and working with some really cool people who i actually do miss. i might beg for my job back when summer rolls around, god knows i'm in there badgering them often enough :) if anyone is ever looking for a job, i couldn't recommend working in lush more (the leeds one anyway!). it was the best bloody thing about my summer, i'll tell you that.

listening to mumford and sons right now. i don't know the lead singer's name but his voice is making me slightly emotional, and that is a VERY rare occurence so they must be a bit special. they're playing city screen basement in york 6th feb and i'm going to organise a gathering, or at least try. if no one wants to go, i will go on my own and look all cultured in the crowd. i still haven't forgiven my friends for not wanting to come see glasvegas in castleford last year and look how famous they are now. they will never come to cas vegas again, and i missed my chance! grrr.


okay so i've just watched the first episode of skins, and i'm having very mixed feelings. now i never was one of those "omfrrickinggod why have you got rid of the old cast" people, i was really looking forward to the new cast. and for the most part, i quite like the new cast. naomi (the blonde girl) and emily (the quiet twin) seem very intruiging, i think they're my favourites so far. however, the other twin, katie, cannot act to save her life. i'm sorry but in my opinion that was gcse drama grade C standard, not good enough for a show with a reputation like skins. i'm thinking already that they might do an anwar on her next series-realise she can't act and then cut her out of most of it. effy of course stood out, but to be fair to the other members of the cast, she's had an extra 2 years experience. one thing i didn't like was the amount of 'slapstick' humour. with a few exceptions, series one of skins was very understated when it came to humour with a lot of the characters, i felt this episode was slightly dumbed down. the stresshead teacher is not realistic at all, it's basically taking angie from series one and brechtifying her. however, i'm not going to be all negative- the preview for the rest of the series looks IMMENSE. me and our william were both sat there squealing- william more about seeing effy shag someone to be honest. bless fifteen year olds. he now thinks that all college students spend their time in the corridors taking drugs and having sex in the toilets. i had to tell him that sadly that's untrue, his little face broke my heart.

so, much as i'd like to write something interesting or relevant and prove that i'm not a boring old fart, i'm far too tired to even put my words together properly. bed time for me i think. i hope mr sandman is kind!

victoria x

I ran away
I could not take the burden of both me and you
It was too fast
Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break
When it was a promise I could not make
- from 'hold on to what you believe', mumford and sons, mmmmm yummy.

the demon blogger of main street

oh i am so having nightmares tonight. just watched sweeney todd, courtesy of harri (of harri-hate fame), and i actually can't get the image of alan rickman's slashed throat out of my mind. i've never been much of a blood-and-guts girl, i love a good old riveting ghost story but when it comes to all things gory i have a pretty weak stomach. i admit, i did have to bite a cushion at the first sign of blood... and my mum did run in to ask me why i was wailing... and i now have two broken nails after some very anxious nibbling! but i still managed to sit through what i thought was a very good film.

for a start, helena bonham carter is just wow wow wow. i've been a major fan of hers ever since she played the perfect anne boleyn back in errrm 2002 maybe? she has this rare quality which just makes me magnatised to her everytime she's on screen, and she had the whole victorian gothic chic thing down to perfection. i liked the complexity of her character as well- unlike sweeney, mrs lovett actually seemed to be wrestling with her conscience which was very interesting to watch. alan rickman as well, what a cracker. i know that he is given the part of the token villian in nearly every film (except sense and sensibility where he played one of my favourite austen heroines, colonel brandon) but damn it it's not surprising when he's got that smouldering sneering voice going on. i actually hate with a passion every character that he plays, in the best possible way. timothy spall was pretty good as well, although his face just makes me LOL. i know that's a bit harsh but it's something about the teeth... he reminds me of a rat.
johnny depp was good also, although to say it was 'his' film, he didn't stand out to me that much. i think sometimes he has a bit of a tendency to over-act things, i don't identify with his characters as much. i also felt that sweeney's character was a little one dimensional in itself. i have to say though, in johnny's favour, the final scene in the bake-house was AMAZING, the way he swung from mood to mood, calmness to hysteria, and then just broke down over a batch of bloody bodies. riveting stuff.

i'm becoming a little bit obsessed with lovely cinematography after watching a very long engagement, and this didn't disappoint. i loved the blue tint on everything, making the whole film seem slightly surreal (i actually didn't know it's based on a true story!)- i also loved the fact that even as mrs lovett daydreamt about her and sweeney's future her and sweeney were still portrayed as greying compared to the rest of the scene, i think it showed their inner corruptness. the songs were brilliant as well, my favourite being the gentle 'joanna' as sweeney cut everyone's throats, the irony did make me chuckle. oh dear i'm not too great with being clever about cinema! but i think i'd say ****. wasn't my favourite tim burton (nightmare before christmas please! although everyone HAS to say that) but it beat some- corpse bride i'm talking to you.

speaking of tim burton, mega eek excited about his alice which is coming out sometime later this year i think. i'm determined to go down to oxford where all the alice shops are and where lewis carroll met alice liddell. i might also have a look at the uni and remind myself of where i could have been aiming for, had i tried a bit harder in my gcses. oh i shouldn't be so pedantic about these things, i was never going to get more than a B in maths anyway so... i'm going to stop thinking about uni now because stressing already about what to write on my personal statement is doing my head in.

aerobics with the bland and liv tomorrow, how exciting, can't wait to don me trackies, it's been a while since i did any excersize and frankly i'm puzzled as to how i've still not managed to end up on one of those "half ton girl" documentaries, one of these days my metabolism is going to fail and i will wake up 50 stone. i look forward to it, it will give me an excuse to stay in bed and not move all day. and the fashionista in me is also singing out for joy as GOSSIP GIRL SERIES TWO STARTS TOMORROW. i repeat GOSSIP GIRL, possible the most fash-gasmic programme out there. oh jenny humphery, how i wish i was you with your cute little hair bands and coloured tights. i think i might actually cry with happiness when it starts, i've had to survive with just the series one boxset since september and it's been a long long wait!

anyway it's a bit of a disjointed blog again but i'm tired and my fingers are hurting from typing so much and biting my nails! so until next time :)
victoria x

talking trash under your breath

ode to my first love, or the sins of sauvignon blanc

he sits there, too smug and serene
there is light which shimmers from him, reflecting my thirsty eyes
i pour him in and wait for a kick in the teeth

he is my literal drug, he is my laughter and he is my tears
he is my phone call at midnight, he is my regretful morning after
he is a bucket, he is my slathered hair slapping my face as i curse my stomach
he is my mother's disapproval but he is the apple that didn't fall far from my father's tree

i am shaking limbs, hot clammy hands, thudding beats and 'where the fuck are ryan and fran i can't see them across this dancefloor'
i am dizzy eyes, dizzy feet and 'oh my god i hate my life, why am i here, please take me home'
i am a dress that rips, a mouth ripe for another, and 'taxi taxi, there's a girl who's pissed'

saturday morning and he is obstinatly empty
just glaring at me for my friday mistakes.

how depressing: i write better poetry (albeit only slightly better) drunk than i do sober. my literary pursuits are just laughable. i'm really quite tired now and not in the best mood in the world for reasons i won't go into because i never wanted this blog to be a place where i could channel my inner-emo. i don't even have an inner-emo, i'm just basically happy all the time, which is why on the rare occasions when i'm not, like today, i feel really pissed off. and then i get mad at myself for being pissed off because really i don't even have a good reason, i just feel useless and talentless. and i can't even be arsed with trying to write an interesting blog because right now i don't have anything of note to say, and even if i did i'm not really sure that anyone would care.

i promise i'll be happier tomorrow. reading sarra manning (guilty teen fiction pleasure alert) is cheering me up already.

victoria, x

bella swan's unlikeliest stalker

for some reason- don't ask me why- this picture has made my 2009 so far. i don't know what's funnier: the fact that qegs' very own ben gomersall (aka tit) is reading twilight, or the fact that he's reading it upside down, or his general facial expression. oh ben. what a character you are.

reports of my demise are greatly exaggerated.

i finally feel well enough to write a blog, although still not 100%. my nose is smeared in vaseline to stop it drying and flaking up, ick ick. but at least i'm sneezing once every 30 seconds so hopefully i'm well on the way to blissful post-cold recovery!

this weekend has been lovely and uneventful, just the way i like it. i took the promised day off on friday to recuperate, and ended up in my duvet in the living room watching winnie the pooh. it was just like being a five year old off poorly with a tummy ache and the adventures of owl and eeyore and pooh cheered me up no end. i'd forgotten how much i used to worship that bloody bear, i could still remember all the songs. disney films were SO much better pre 1990. okay, they had the whole lion king/beauty and the beast renaissance, but you can't compare to snow white/sleeping beauty etc. i remember when i used to literally think i WAS snow white waiting for my prince. that girl was my first hero. i still get goosebumps when i hear old disney songs, they remind me of a simpler time when it didn't matter who was pulling who and hangovers didn't exist, and the most taxing thing on my mind was whether to do some colouring or play in the sandpit.

friday night was immense as well, i met up with becky and we went to see slumdog millionaire. i cannot recommend this film enough to anyone who is reading this. the acting was out of this world, especially by the slum kids who play the younger version of anwar's character (sorry dev patel, you will always be anwar to me). it was a really poignant piece of cinema, one which made me laugh and cry (well nearly) and most importantly, think. it was one of those films which sticks in your memory for ages after, i'm still thinking about it now. dev patel was actually semi-impressive as well, from being a very weak actor in skins he has developed his skills. i still think calls for him to get best actor at the oscars are ridiculous but maybe in a few years time hey?

carried on the disney theme on saturday by watching mary poppins, which again i'd forgotten how much i love. i love the idealized view of london it represents, and it's just so magical and twee. mary is so becoming my new style icon, i need a parrot umbrella as a matter of urgency. julie andrews is just perfect, i watched some of the princess diaries on youtube so i could carry on my hero worship of her. what a legend. mary poppins pisses over maria, i don't know her surname, but the one from the sound of music. i mean if i could choose to have a nanny who could either a) jump into pictures and make them real, fly and tidy up rooms at a click of her finger or b) play edelweiss on guitar, i know which one i'd pick.

and then today i saw ryan, francesca and olivia lewis in good old leeds. i love the fact that no matter how long i stay away from the wakefield lot, when i'm back with them it's like we've never been apart. i also like how they don't know me as the "posh" one so i can be as disgustingly uncouth as i like in front of them. full on ran into ryan's arms in the train station, what a romantic moment. i swear one day me and that boy are going to have beautiful child, bahaha. no, he fills the "best male friend" role in my life very nicely and is still the only boy my own age i can trust will never hurt me. if you're reading this stones, evington and lewis, as you should be because i told you YOU ARE MY TARGET AUDIENCE, i love you i do. let's all see eachother soon.

ryan and fran got me thinking in nando's. we were talking about love lives and they said "what's going on with you then vicky?" (still find it hard to get used to people calling me vicky when i'm so used to victoria at college!) and as a joke i said "oh i'm having a full on romance" and they both started pissing themselves, like the idea of me having a relationship is hilarious. which to be fair it is. i've been single (not counting 1 week fling type things) for over two years now which does sound a bit ridiculous, but honestly i just can't find anybody to interest me enough for a relationship or if i can there's some factor that stops me from going for it- normally they're taken/emotionally unavailable/not interested in a 5"2 idiot who looks like topshop vommed on her. i've never been desperate though, i'm a firm believer that 'good things come to those who wait' and the reason why i'm so lacking on the romance front is that the right person simply hasn't come along yet, or if they have, i just can't see it. i'm quite irritating when it comes to men, i'll lust after a guy for ages and then the minute they're interested i'm turned off. last year for instance, i had a big thing for this boy in my friendship group at school who i was really close to. i watched in exasperation as he worked his way through all the girls we were friends with until finally it was my turn. and when it came down to getting it on with him, it was just like going through the motions, i didn't really feel anything except for "i might as well be kissing him, i've wanted it for so long". and after that one night where we were more than friends, we just reverted back to being good mates again, no awkwardness, no nothing. i'm good at being friends with boys, it's just a shame that i can never bring myself to be more. it's a shyness thing more than anything (yes i know, me, shy?!) but when i like someone, they never know about it, because i'm so scared of that feeling called rejection which over the past couple of years i've got to know all too well.

anyway i'm going to stop being all 'woe-is-me' about such silly matters. i might just turn lesbian. haha memories of being come on to by a really butch young woman in tenerife. bless. maybe it's because of fran's resemblance to katy perry? hmm, at least there's life in this old dog yet, i'm still attracting the lesbians!

and on that note, i've decided to go out on the town and get some lesbian action. expect me in college tomorrow with a crew cut and an eyebrow piercing with "cindy" tattooed on my arm. oh my gosh, my brother is playing sean paul's temperature in his room, forgotten how obsessed i was with that song circa 2005. time to groooove.

a bientot, you-can-call-me-victor x

manflu is unisex you know.

urghhhh i am so, so, ill. like on my deathbed, written out my will and been administred the last rites ill. okay so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, i haven't yet been given the last rites. the priest is on his way though. i HATE colds, i know they're only supposed to be a minor little ailment but they make you feel so poxy and crappy when you have one. i'm having to cancel my babysitting tonight (my current only source of income) because i don't want to pass on my disgusting germs to the kids. looks like a night on the sofa with my duvet and gavin and stacey boxset is on the cards. i might take tomorrow off college as well, i'm determined not to miss my outing tomorrow night with bee so i'll need my rest and recuperation!

it seemed a bit pointless going into college today, i only had one lesson- english lit, which was completly ruined. this awful boy was sat next to me and he smelt skeggy, although skeggy is NOT a word. and then he had the cheek to say i stank of perfume and then he called my face grotesque. it ruined my whole day i tell you, and now my self confidence is at an all time low. i don't want to name any names so i will use a code, h*rr*. i hope he's not reading this, i don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that his snide little comments have really got to me, sob sob sob. (bahahaha, hope you like your mention, as promised :), the first instalment of 'harri-hate'- my new regular feature!)

so then when juliette didn't turn up to theatre i gave up and decided to just go home. my bus ride was actually peaceful. there's something about listening to the beatles on winding country lanes through villages. it calmed me and my coughing throat down until i arrived at my grandmas and she gave me some special honey drink. which was ick to be honest but i gulped it down because it might help fight my illness. i doubt it though, i can feel life ebbing out of me every second.

found out today i've been selected for the sixties fashion show, this surprised and pleased me greatly. i only auditioned on a whim and because my friend ben is on the course, and i'm certainly not what i'd call model-like, but i'll give it my all. i love sixties fashion (i hope i'm allowed to be a mod or beatnik!) and music so it should be really fun times :D. the show's on the 26th february and i hope lots of people come watch it- the highlight will be seeing jamie in a lycra catsuit, muahaha.

today i was also thinking about the sims 2. now this is a weird thing to think about, i grant you, but does anyone remember when you used to make characters and you had to pick an aspiration for them? like money, love, all that kind of thing. i used to love making character versions of myself and i'd always give them the aspiration 'family'. i've always been the old fashioned 2.4 children, 1 husband and a dog kind of girl. however i realized today that my actual aspiration in life is the 'knowledge' option. i want to know EVERYTHING, i want to know everybody's gossip, i want to know the endings to every book on every shelf, i want to know what all those scientific theories really mean, i want to speak oodles of languages, i want to know the story behind every face that i see. i think the reason why i have this natural thirst for knowledge is my wonderful dad (who has this minute come into the house blasting about 'how fucking untidy it is in this cess-pit') insisting that instead of having a couch potato child, i'd be given books. i could read competently, as well as i can read now, by the age of six and a half, something my parents have always bursted with pride about. i think that's why i've always wanted to teach as well- wanting to know so much gives me a desire to impart any knowledge i might gain onto others. oh i am a pretentious twit.

wish it was summer. winter seems to be all doom and gloom after christmas, i miss light evenings and days without sub-zero temperatures. only a few months to go though, and it is getting a little bit warmer, i went out without a coat yesterday and didn't immediatly get frostbite so its a start!

anyway this cold is making me feel boring and unstimulated so i'm going to leave my rambling thoughts. i must warn you this may be my last ever blog as i feel the grim reaper hovering over me. please play the macarena at my funeral. see you all in hell.*

a bientot, victoria x

* disclaimer- i'm sure you're all actually going to heaven to be little cherubs.

hello pizzaface

ZITS. ARE. EVIL. here i am, complacently peaches and cream when suddenly my whole life comes crashing down as i look in the mirror and see one of those beasts on my forehead, raw red, shiny, just popped up to say hello to the world and make a nuisance of itself. time to dig out the old witch hazel. this is what you get, victoria, for not sticking to a decent skincare routine. i'm ditching the cleansing wipes in favour of some lovely sensitive skin lush cleanser. my skin is certainly feeling sensitive now :(

so today, certainly nothing out of the ordinary (not that my days ever really are!). i really like my outfit today, normally i am my biggest fashion critic but i think my peach topshop dominoes vest+grey anchor cardigan+leggings+pearls+black lace ups are totally channelling 80s dancer chic. not too bad considering i didn't get up until ten past seven and had to leg it for the bus, adam following me closely (anyone from the monk fryston/hillam area will know how traumatic this can be.). it's flipping cold out, but there's something lovely about being tucked up into my duvet knowing that other poor souls are freezing outside. is that too sadistic? i can't be "too nice" all the time! (if someone told me a year ago people would be describing me as "too nice" i would literally LOL in their face. i guess college really has changed me. i actually look back in utter shame at some of things i used to do... but i guess that's a story for another day.)

got the ball rolling for my travelling plan as well last night. i've decided to go on french work experience with acorn educational in the summer. this means i'll be jetting away for a week with a group of students from all over the country, to an as yet unknown city in france to do work experience. the whole prospect is a little bit daunting, but beyond exciting as well. if i go through with it (and i'm determined to!) it'll be the most independant, challenging thing i've ever done. but i feel like i need these experiences. in just over a year and a half i'll be at university in some far flung corner of the country, and i can't live in my mum and dad's pockets forever.

just been browsing postsecret, i'd forgotten about it in my little "no internet" blip, it was good to catch up. one secret really struck a chord with me, it said "i don't have the time to read all the books i think i should to make me a better person". now my close friends know about my literary troubles at the moment, i feel really stupid for not being able to understand the classics and even worse for not enjoying them. i think i have to bear in mind i'm only seventeen and i'm trying to read books that even academics find challenging. i read about three pages of madame bovary last night before falling asleep, it just couldn't hold my attention, but i REALLY want to finish it. i'd hate to have to say i gave up the "second most perfect book in existance" because i found it boring. maybe i'm destined to read trashy danielle steele for the rest of my life and write a six hundred page stonking bonkbuster. i wish i was as intelligent and sure of myself as everyone else thinks i seem to be. i realized last night how crap i am at french as well, my friend lloyd told me we should talk in french to help us with our exams (i'm AS, he's A2) and he was just so much better than me and i was making these stupid, crappy year 9 mistakes, urgh. i wish i had just one talent, one thing i could show off to the world and say "hey! i can do this! look at me!". instead i resort to my loudness and reasonable amount of wit to see me through with people. i'm scared that one day i'll be exposed as this big fake. who knew that gustave flaubert and his stupid, too difficult book, could make me feel this way?!

reading a couple of sylvia plath poems in the library today calmed me down though. i've decided i'm going to buy my own copy of ariel so i can scribble my ideas all over it. her poetry is so accessible to me, i love it, even though it is dark and gloomy and slit-yer-wrists depressing. i read w h auden's funeral blues last night as well, it seemed familiar and then i remembered four weddings and a funeral. but anyway the poem almost made me cry. you should look it up.

fajitas for tea, mmmm. as i said to amy, i could eat mexican for tea every night. nachos mmm. SALSA DIP MMMMM. being a greedy little shite is such fun. i'd hate to deprive myself of my favourites. sure i might have a little belly instead of the flat one i've secretly always lusted after, but its a small price to pay for foody goodness.. mmm. food. oh god. i am homer simpson.

so i'm determined to make 2009 a good year for finding music, as i got a bit lazy with this in 2008. i've started my campaign well, so this is a heads up for everyone to check out alessi's ark on myspace, and los campesinos!'s new album 'we are beautiful, we are doomed' which is a work of total indie purity. alessi's ark has the potential to become the new jose vanders in my heart, she's very marling-esque and just very pretty really. so give them a listen and let me know what you think. also fallen a bit in love with the cure thanks to gracie posting some lyrics on her blog. limewire is a good boy to me.

so i can smell my fajitas sizzling, i'll leave you all (yes, all three of you) to enjoy whatever you're having for tea. please don't be fish and chips. or i'd be a very jealous girl.

a bientot, victoria x

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

blinded by the lights

so, today was epihany day. sat in theatre studies and listened to my friend shuna tell the group that next year she's quitting college to go on mission in hawaii, paired with a theatre course. and i found myself thinking "wow". she's making something of her life- she's done so much with it already, and i realized that i've done pretty much nothing. okay it's all very well having these grand ideas about what i'm going to be when i'm 30, all the places i'm going to see and tell my grandchildren about. however, i know me better than anyone else does, and i'm one of those i'll-do-it-tomorrow sort of people. so now it's going to change. i had a long think about what i actually want to do. and i've decided, as so many people my age do, that what i want to do is travel. i want to see the world, i want to live it, not just watch it in films or read about it in books. i want to go to all the places, i want to spend weeks in paris, i want to travel round the rest of france and speak french all day long and discover everything there is to know about the country. i want to go to italy and greece. i want to roam up and down my home country, there's so many bits of fucking england i've never seen for christ's sake. i want to visit chawton (oh jane) and stratford (oh willy). i want to go back loch lomond, i want to go to stonehenge, i want to go to LONDON.

sorry, i sound overly excited here. it's funny, i've always been a homebody and now i've got this burning urge inside me to crack out of the house i've lived in for fifteen years, run away from this tiny little village i've always loved and find myself out there. problem is... when? summer seems like the perfect solution, however, selfish being i am, i'm not sure if i can give up leeds fest, endless nights drinking and the like. there's also the small matter of driving. i don't want to give up my lessons for a full summer, but i think it's unrealistic to say i'll have passed my test by then. so i'll weigh up my options as i come closer to that time, even if i only get to spend a week in paris, say, i'll at least feel as if i've achieved something. and then i am booking off summer 2010 for travelling alone. by that point i'll be 18, and legally old enough to take care of myself. this isn't something i'm going to think about and then never actually do, i'm comitted now to pro-actively making something of my days that doesn't revolve around facebook or mindless gossip. life is short, i want to grasp it.

so yes, i've got home internet AT LAST. it's taken seemingly forever but it's back now. so i'm going to post up no internet. i wrote this poem errrm last thursday i think? and i've tweaked it a bit. it's still really crap, and nowhere near as good as my year 11 poetry, but for now it'll suffice. so here it is in all its pretentious glory:

no internet

tick tick tick tick tick tick tock
goes my irritatingly correct alarm clock
another day with the wi-fi down again.

tick tick tick tick time won't stop
won't stop til i'm 16, 17, nearly 17 and a half now
i have little to show except a groaning bookcase, half finished poems and some tatty old shoes.

would i go back if i could? never.
one learns from one's mistakes, after all, and i'd say i've had my fair share.
pudding bowl haircuts, late nights and bleary mornings, my first cigarette.

too many moments with my personal paris, not enough with a romeo.
falling for wickham instead of darcy.
make do and mend, not looking gift horses in the mouth.

rosy pink memories of rosy pink cheeks, two little girls in a paddock
school uniforms, sports day, i always came last, i can piss myself about it now.
my literary career began with the babysitters club.

golden days, golden age, it's all still golden, everything we touch turns golden.
we're still such babies, we don't know yet know the years of gold slipping away and turning to grey dust.

this might just be the shitest little ditty i've ever put a pen to, but beggars can't be choosers
it's either this or crying over spilt milk and the fact that i can't check my facebook.

i now realize i have probably lost about half my blog readership (which is only about five anyway!) by showing how ridiculously bad my creative skills are. and here you all thought i was intelligent and interesting ;) baaah!

so for now, until you forgive me for posting up such tripe

a bientot! victoria x

tales from the secret annexe

i want to go on living, even after my death- anne frank.

yet another wet day.

i quite like rain, it beats the other forms of precipitation (hail, snow, eurgh) and it PWNS over wind. i swear, god created wind to piss people who spend meticulous hours on their hair, like me, off. but rain's pretty inoffensive, in fact i'd go as far to say it's pretty romantic. i've been kissed in the rain and it is quite lovely, although not half as lovely as the films would tell you.

so, according to mother, we finally have home internet (albeit a crappy connection) thanks to a mysterious object called a "dongle". i'm going to give it a try tonight, hopefully it'll be enough to get me onto facebook/blogger/other websites i peruse that i don't want people knowing about because it would damage my reputation (perezhiltoncoughcough). until then it's back to library on one at college, waiting for history to start. there's something wrong with me at the moment because i'm just not connecting with history at all. i think it's because i'm not paticularly motivated by the characters we're studying at the moment. henry vii just doesn't do it for me (unlike his altogether more interesting son). to tell you the truth, i'm much more of a feminist historia. give me joan of arc, katherine swynford or marie antoinette any day of the week and i can relate to and understand the history a lot more. hopefully things will pick up soon- in general i love history and i love zoe, my tutor. i guess i just need to find my own view on what i'm learning about.

so, le weekend. friday night was a bit of a downer. last episode of anne frank was on. it's amazing how anne's story, no matter how many times i read/watch it, has the ability to move me like almost no other. by the end of it i was weeping my little eyes out. what i loved about this adaptation was that it didn't show anne as a martyr. despite her being one of my personal heroines, i can see how easily people must have been pissed off with her in the annexe. dussel and margot were portrayed in a much more sympathetic light, which i really appreciated. i also liked the fact that peter wasn't presented as some kind of tragic romantic hero, he was presented as the often infuriatingly cloudy boy he is in the diary. lesley sharpe was inspired as petronella van daan, at first i didn't like the casting at all, but again she threw a sympathetic and understandable light on a character who is so maligned in anne's diary. i hope the programme helped raise awareness for anne's story for people my own age who don't know it. my own brother asked me who anne frank was, and i think it is important that she and her diary are never forgotten and serve as a constant reminder of the holocaust. anti-semetic jokes are rife these days, but personally i will not use the word "jew" as an insult, however much in jest, EVER. it's the first dangerous step to a repeat of the atrocities comitted just sixty years ago.

i went sales shopping yesterday, it was reasonably sucessful. i purchased a fred-perry-alike tennis dress and a illustratedpeople cardigan, both from topshop, and some cute little ballet flats from primark, so i came home a happy girl, even happier to watch the hilarious (and somehow quite sexy...) james corden present the sunday night project. giggles all around.

oh, this is a cry for help- if anyone knows of ANY job or work going in my area (selby-leeds-york), PLEASE let me know. i now have approximatly £7 to my name and when that's gone... it's gone. so please help me earn my keep before i get turfed out onto the streets and have to start selling myself :) none of us would want that!

wrote a very short story on saturday night, it's called "the looking glass". it's pretty shitty as all my original writing has been recently, but once again i'm getting back into the swing of things. i'll try to post tonight if i can get the dongle working. it's not an "erotic novel" i'll leave those to a woman we all know and love ;). i also want to tweak 'no internet' for posting, it's not quite ready yet but if i've got a spare half an hour tonight, i'll have a look.

aaah so i'm now sat at home on the dongle. that sounds very wrong, oh well, imagine what you will. how sickening. but yes, i had a right big brother moment whilst typing out this beast earlier, a little pop-up came up on my screen saying "this is not college work, please turn it off". the librarians scare me, i'm sorry to say, they really do. i read a bit of our english lit anthology on the way home. i hope for our other poetry unit we do auden, i gave him a quick deek and his poems seemed a lot more interesting and relevant than the other poets. hmm we will see, i have faith in bridget to pick us someone decent!

anyway, this has been a pretty long blog so i'll leave it now. poem and/or short story to come later in the evening hopefully. ooh whilst i remember as well, anyone from the girls' high/qegs (who i'm friends with, i'm well aware that most of the pathetic boys at that institution aren't my biggest fans) who fancies a meet up this weekend, give me a buzz on my mobile or facebook :).

a bientot, victoria x

my mind feels like a big squashy lump today.

baaah i wish i could post a picture to make this blog look a bit more interesting, however all my best photographs are on the laptop. at home. still without internet connection, urgh. i'm finding it harder than i thought i would, which is really pathetic i know. but i'm used to my home comforts and it's hard to fill my gappy evenings up without eating shitloads and watching friends re-runs again and again and again, there's only so much time you can hear ross say "we were on a break" without it feeling, well... a bit old.
so last night in a effort to do at least something productive, i wrote a poem. i'm glad because it's the first one i've written since...ermm... august? i think, and although it's not my best one (writer's block is still my favourite), i'm using the excuse that i need to get back in the swing of things before producing an opus! the new poem is called no internet (yes i know, original) and it started as a lament to how bored i was and ended up meandering about the passing of time. if (fingers crossed) my lovely mother has restored the wi-fi to its full glory at home i'll post it up, crappy as it is, and i guess you can judge for yourself.
finally finished my english coursework, it actually wasn't as hard or tedious as i expected. in fact i found the further i got with it, the more i have to say on the subject and it was quite hard to distill it to the word count. king lear is an immense play, i love everything of the bard's that i've read- but i'm glad to have moved onto something different now. madame bovary is picking up as well, now that emma bovary has stopped moping and actually started shagging people i'm finding the whole affair a bit more interesting.
first driving lesson tomorrow. i should be more nervous about this, i've never been the most...co-ordinated of people... and it'll be a miracle if me, the car, and the instructor come away unscathed. however i suppose it has to be done, i can't go catching the 403 forever, espcially as the timetable is becoming increasingly shite.
i'm suffering from a lack of creative inspiration today, apologies for how blabbery i am, i guess i can't be pretentiously intellectual all the time ;)
shopping on sunday as well, i want to get one of those oversized holey jumpers fearne cotton has. in my opinion that girl cannot put a foot wrong fashion wise. alexa is beginning to grate on me a little bit, she seems a bit stuck up and very aware of her hotness, but fearne is a girls' girl with a very accessible way of dressing. her and diana vickers were definitly my fashion crushes of 2008, with michelle williams shaping up to take over in 2009. post-heath michelle is an absolute fashion fox, her look is so undone. i love it.
okay so it's 4:15. it's about time to go i think, weekend awaits :D. have a good one, hopefully will post up soon when i'm feeling a bit less stupid than i am now.
a bientot, victoria x

new year, old ties.

so i'm returned healthy and happy from classy ol' tenerife and i'm now sitting in the glamourous hub on two in college, oh how the mighty have fallen. no seriously it's good to back with the muskateers amy, liv, jess, kathryn and the rest and i hope i haven't missed out on TOO much gossip ;). in any case, it's good to get back to work, although my king lear essay is still looming over me, urrgh. i'm considering taking a day off tomorrow to do it, however having had the first two days of the week off, i'm not sure it's a good idea.

ANYWAY, the holiday. well i got to spend a week with the lovely francesca and my lovely parents. francesca and me got on really well all week (well except for one minor sciff in a taxi on the way back from a night on the tiles, it was almost handbags at dawn!) and we had some right giggles for instance when fran got to grips with a very unsexy kevin, the cabaret man, in a version of livin da vida loca which left nothing to the imagination. i also took part in karaoke (i know, i know) with a ahem, rousing rendtion of lay all your love on me. the applause was...half-hearted, sadly. worst moment of the holiday was when i drowned. i kid you not, not one, but two massive waves pulled me under for at least 10 seconds each, it was so scary i had to run out of the sea coughing and spluttering. i am such a baby.

the weather was beautiful of course, it was horrible to come to back to -5 degrees cold, i swear i didn't get to sleep until half past one, i was shaking with cold, as well as crying myself to sleep after une grande dispute with the parents. gosh i'm turning so emo in my old age. i realized today that 2008 was my last full year as a child, in 2009 i shall reach fully fledged, official adulthood. this scares me as i don't act or feel like i'd expect an adult to feel or act. no matter how much i try, i still make irrational decisions and have stupid thoughts. i hope that by the time i hit the mystical eighteen i'm slightly more grown up, somehow i doubt it.

being alone in college for pretty much the first time ever is actually quite refreshing, i'm enjoying spending a bit of me-time with my new best friend, the iPod touch and rediscovering Hot Chip's second album, it's fun times. Seeing as my home internet connection has died, this is my only oppertunity to blog/check my Facebook. It's hard living a frugal, non Wi-Fi life I tell thee!

Making headway with Madame Bovary (still haven't started Anna Karenina). To be honest, it's not all that amazing. I'm a bit disappointed as it had been strongly recommended to me by someone I used to work with, but I'm finding the language stifling and boring as opposed to the elegant and charming Austen. As a heroine, Emma Bovary doesn't do it for me either- whilst I love the discontented bride Hedda Gabler (insanely psycho bitch), Emma strikes me as being pathetic and spineless. Still, I'm only halfway through so perhaps things will pick up pace a bit. Started Cat on a Hot Tin Roof in English Lit today as well, only a few pages in but so far the main thing I have learnt that despite my English teacher, Bridget's protestations that I had put in a "stunning" performance, I can't do a Texan accent without slipping into broad Yorkshire!

So yesterday I was thinking about resolutions. Now I don't want to make any strict ones, like I said, but I've come up with five "commandments" I'm going to try to follow in 2009:
1) thou shalt not lose thy heart so easily, thou shalt fix thy passions on attainable males as opposed to the pete dohertys and ron weasleys of the world and thou shalt not lust after other girls' boyfriends.
2) thou shalt be a better daughter and a better friend- espcially to the old one's thou has somewhat neglected.
3) thou shalt not spend all thy hard-earned (more like hard-begged) money on alcohol and mindless nights out, thou shalt save for thy future.
4) thou shalt get a better haircut, thou shalt try harder to be a fashionista.
5) thou shalt finally become alluring.

hmmm only time will tell, i guess.
and this is long and rambling and i REALLY need to do my king lear essay, so until next time.
a bientot, victoria x